I hate my course ! AIBU to finish it from home

[Candycanecat]

Just that really. Seriously regret choosing the degree although I find the work incredibly easy .
The first two years I barely attended ( maybe 10 occasions ) but everything was uploaded online so I quietly and diligently worked through it and scored in the high 80’s.
I spent most of the summer planning my years work as I knew what was required , did a lot of research / writing etc and it’s all coming together nicely and should be fine.
I hate the actual course though, I dislike lectures , meeting and seminars , I hate groups , gallery visits and having to pretend to be interested in other peoples stuff . I have social anxiety and I don’t socialise or have friends , I can’t imagine ever choosing to work with others I just do my thing on my own . It’s how I was built . I read all the time because I’m a loner , every time I’ve been forced to attend a tutorial every single text or exhibition they suggest is something I’ve already read or seen. They mean well but I never learn anything and I spend the days leading up to it feeling unwell because of the anxiety of having to travel to the place and interact with them. I could quite legitimately get my doctor to sign me off from physical attendance for the rest of the academic year and I could just submit at the end . My social isolation is the result of trauma and my autism so it won’t change . I see my future as one where I work from my house and garden and via the internet .
I think I’m concerned that they’ll deliberately lower my grade as ‘penance’ for not attending and conforming though. My last degree was an online one anyway and my PHD will be research based so less of a concern . But once again I was supposed to be there today and had planned to attend , had a nice outfit hair done etc and just couldn’t bring myself to leave the house . The upset wasted all of yesterday feeling anxious , cost me my sleep last night and then this morning. I was drained and needed a nap after finally deciding not to go , but then I’ve had a really productive afternoon of work.
it’s stupid to keep this up isn’t it ?
I need to stop trying to go in . Even receiving emails from the tutors makes me feel a bit panicky because they are invariably demands / invitations that I then deliberate over until I’m Ill. Sometimes getting as far as the bus stop / train and then freaking out and walking home .
All this money to just feel so deeply sad all the time . Panicking about the next time I’m supposed to go there, being reminded of how strange and hopeless I am.
I feel like just through the project and dissertation and sending it in to be graded and just blocking the entire institution from contacting me . 6 months feels like forever .

Don't just stop turning up. Speak to your tutor or student services and make proper alternative arrangements. Presumably you declared your difficulties when you enrolled? Perhaps start the ball rolling with an email explaining your issues and how you will still be able to meet the course requirements.

I think if it's causing you this level of anxiety to try and go in, it would be worth seeing if there is a way you can finish it from home in agreement with the university, possibly the Student Support service (or equivalent) should be able to help you go through the proper channels. This should be seen as a reasonable adjustment for you if you have an official diagnosis that you can give to the university (if you haven't already).

Universities respond better to being informed as far in advance of deadlines as possible.

I have attended hardly any . I usually make excuses and follow that up with a sample of my work so they can see I’m plodding through it. It’s a very self led type degree , the visits and talks are supposed to be enrichment , inspiration and networking . I’ve just been in denial really , promising myself that ‘next week I’ll go in’ I rarely do though. When I get there ( and it’s a fair commute ) I spend the whole time just trying to mask and stop myself bolting out the door and watching the clock so I achieve nothing whatsoever . It’s a waste of my time and I have other things I need to do as I’m a career and have a small business online etc .
They know I can submit the work to a high standard without attending. The feedback I’ve had is incredibly positive .
I was too embarrassed to say anything when I sent the application so they aren’t really aware of my situation at all. I think I sort of hoped that the covid year would repeat and the whole course would stay online . Silly really .

I say this gently, but yes, YABU. All those things, the interaction with others, the groups, the visits, the polite interest are part of the course and indeed of life. You need to find a way to cope with doing it. Speak to your tutors or the student support team about ways of managing the aspects that you struggle with.
You might see your future as working completely on your own from your own house but will that really be good for you? And is it realistic in your line of work? I work from home 80% of the time but I'm still expected to have some face to face interaction with colleagues.

I would love to change who I am but I can’t . I’ve been like this since childhood and I’ve had to adapt my life to it. I wasted most of my youth teetering on the edge of suicide with multiple attempts to carry it out .I had about the highest exam scores in my year but I couldn’t attend the prom or the ceremony or even most of the lessons leading up to them. I’ve only been okayish for the last few years because I’ve been kinder to myself and allowed myself sanctuary areas home . The hideous days on that campus send me right back to the darkest places though.