To leave a message of condolence for wife of ex?

[todoornotto]

I recently found out that an old friend/ex has died. We were together for 2-3 years about 30 years ago when I was quite young. I hadn't seen him for about 25 years but we had stayed in touch - just life check ins and updates every year or two. He always said all of his past was important and that the people you are with in the past help shape you and become part of who you are, so he still cared about people from his past and wanted to know they were ok, even though he was very happily married. I never met his wife but I knew a bit about her because he would tell me about her and how lovely she is.

I realised something must have happened to him because I hadn't heard from him in over a year and I couldn't get a response when I tried to contact him ( we are not connected on FB). I had a terrible feeling something had happened and have been searching online for information for a few months. The other week unfortunately I came across information that confirmed he had died, nearly a year ago.

I want to donate some money in his name to his chosen charity. When I was looking into this I saw there was an option to 'let someone know' and send a message. He has no surviving family, apart from his wife, so I have thought about sending a very short message with the donation offering my condolences and that I hope she is doing ok. I thought it might be nice for her to know there was another donation being made in his name and that people were thinking of her. However because I am officially an ex I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do. I feel like an old friend but if that's all I'd ever been I wouldn't think twice about the message. I don't want to risk doing anything inappropriate but at the same time I'm thinking about her a lot and hoping she is ok ( even though I don't know her). I keep trying to think what my ex/old friend would want me to do but I just don't know.

There was a similar thread not so long ago and the almost unanimous verdict was to leave the widow alone. But the circumstances were a bit different. So I'm still a bit confused whether AIBU considering doing this?

If so or but just say you're an old friend, you spoken periodically which is why you've only just found out, and send your love / condolences. As long as it isn't about you it's fine imo.

No, just make a quiet donation.

I'd make the donation (either anonymously or leave my name without elaborating on how I knew him). I wouldn't message her.
If you feel you must get in touch with her then describe yourself as an old friend, nothing more. That's what you became after all.

I wouldn't dream of saying I was an 'Ex' by the way. Just saying that here for context. I loved him. I cared a lot about him as a friend. This feels like one last thing I can do for him. In my head I'm reaching out as stranger to give her some kind words of comfort. I can of course still donate in his name but she will never know as it's through the charity website and not through anything connected to him. She doesn't need to know. My words of condolence might be better left unsaid. I'm aware it's coming up to the year anniversary and don't want to do anything that would risk upsetting her. I don't want to do the wrong thing - but equally don't want to miss out on doing the 'right thing'. This decision isn't about me (or at least I want to make sure it isn't).

This decision isn't about me (or at least I want to make sure it isn't). then do it anonymously

Your words to her wouldn't make her feel any better. It might make her question his loyalty, why she'd never heard of you etc. leave it as it is

Make a donation if you wish but I wouldn't contact his widow. Especially not as an ex from so long ago and a relatively short relationship, and not a year later.

Make your donation but leave the wife alone.

In all honesty, you can't have been that close if it took you a year to find out that your friend had passed away so I don't think you need to reach out to his wife who probably has no idea who you are or you would have been contacted a year ago.

I think the small comfort this could bring her is more than outweighed by the risk that could be upsetting for her.

I personally wouldn't be very happy if my partner kept in touch with an ex and you contacting her is likely to raise questions. I think it would be disingenuous to just refer to yourself as an old friend. There is no non risky way to do this.

I think it’s a lovely thing to do.

In my head I'm reaching out as stranger to give her some kind words of comfort. I can of course still donate in his name but she will never know as it's through the charity website and not through anything connected to him. She doesn't need to know. My words of condolence might be better left unsaid.

Just do it anonymously. She doesn't need it dragging up after a year. Plus if she did some snooping she might find out you're an ex.

YANBU but don't do it. Make a quiet donation anonymously.

Is there a mutual friend you can share some memories with to help you get some closure?

I think this is exactly right. The risk is too great. I will just make it anonymously. I hope that somehow, somewhere he knows that I know now and how much I feel his loss.

Thanks to all who have responded to talk some sense into me. It is less than a week since I found out and I am feeling the grief intensely and probably not thinking rationally.
Unfortunately there is no-one I can share the memories with and grieving an ex is very lonely.
To the people who say things like 'You couldn't have been that close if you only found out after a year...blah blah", I think that is really insensitive. I wasn't close to the people around him. He would have wanted me to know but couldn't tell me because he was dead.

I think it's always kind to offer condolences to the family when you hear of a death, even if it's been a while. You were together 30 years ago, I don't think him being an ex matters in this instance, it's not like you were married or he cheated on his wife with you. Send her the message.

If you don’t know her don’t do it, my DH is terminally ill, I really wouldn’t want an ex gf from years and years ago popping up to give me her condolences as it’s not necessary and what if she didn’t know he stayed in contact with you? It could cause her a lot of grief and worry.

Thanks for this perspective. I'm sorry about your DH. Take care x

If I was the wife I would obviously know full well you were the ex and to avoid any upset I would put your condolences along with something that explains whilst you haven't seen him for 25 years or been in touch regularly when you did last message he told you how wonderful his wife was and how much he loved her and how happy he was etc and you thought he would have liked you to tell her as much. I would be grateful for this not so for an anonymous donation or message as I would always be wondering who it was or if you just left a message not addressing her and I saw it was an ex I wouldn't like it if you address her telling her nice things he said about her it will hopefully be comforting and reassuring and help bring some sort of closure perhaps.