To still say he isn't allowed over?

[frodnas]

... Or am I overreacting?

DD turned 18 2 weeks ago. When she was 14, she got into a relationship with her friend, this was early 2019, there wasn't any major issues really, he was nice and respectful, and I got on okay with him. Then a few months later, just before the first lockdown, DD found out that she was pregnant. I was worried as DD was only 15 and BF had turned 15 a few months earlier, and they still would've been in year 11 when the baby was born. So I advised an abortion, which the bf didn't like as he wanted DD to keep it so he could be a good dad to the baby (his dad was abusive towards him so I suppose I do get why he wanted this), DD sadly had a miscarriage and after this he seemed to change, he got involved in drugs, and drinking and seemed to go off the rails so I told him he wasn't welcome around here. They broke up not long after as he told DD he cheated after an argument, he later denied it and said he just wanted to upset her.

They then got back together early last year and they were together for about 3/4 months, the whole relationship I said he wasn't welcome around here and they then split up again due to the arguments. He blocked DD a few months later as he got into a new relationship.

A few months ago, he unblocked her and sent her a very long message apologising, I advised DD to ignore so she did. He messaged again and DD replied and he told DD he wanted to be friends, so DD agreed. Yesterday, they went out together and she brought him back here, later on I told her that he still isn't welcome, DD argued and said he has changed, apparently he's being diagnosed with autism which is the reason for his previous behaviour and she said I should understand as my youngest DS(5) is autistic.

Am I BU? WWYD?

YANBU

I honestly don't know how I'd react, since my children are much younger. The relationship sounds very toxic. And I would be worried.

The trouble is that banning him doesn't really help solve the problem. They won't break up just because he can't visit her at home. It could drive her to spend time with him in places where she could be unsafe. I would probably encourage her to go to uni so that the relationship would reach a natural conclusion if that is an option?

They aren't in a relationship yet but obviously with them being friends and them getting back together in the past, I am concerned as DD did seem to really like him even after how he treated her.

It sounds very immature and toxic.

I wouldn't allow him round either unless he had a massive personality change.

I would stick to my guns. He didn't even respect your boundaries enough to ask permission before visiting.

I also wonder why your DD has such low self-esteem to keep going back to this boy.

He sounds like a pain but I’d rather keep them close were you can see them. Whilst totally understandable, I can’t see how pushing them away will help unless you think it will actually stop your DD from seeing him. And of course at his age it’s possible for him to change.

Stand firm. I would not allow him in the house.

I don't know how it’d help either, but I didn't know what else to do and I have 3 younger children so I didn't want him around them, and still don't as I don't believe he's changed 100%.

I understand why she wants to believe he's changed and that possible autism is an acceptable reason for him to treat her like that. (That's not my opinion but she's young and naive so wants to see the best in people)
However yanbu to say no to him coming round to yours. I wouldn't interfere in their friendship but I wouldn't have him coming round either. I hope that she hasn't used "autism diagnosis" to try and emotionally manipulate you into backing down.

As she's 18, I wouldn't ban him from the house. They will still see each other, you just won't know what's going on.

You run the risk of them thinking of themselves as a Romeo and Juliet situation and your DD won't come to you if it does break down because she will expect to hear "I told you so".

DD has accepted it as an ‘excuse’ unfortunately, I don't believe he has changed though as DD goes to sixth form with who was at the time his best friend, she told DD she didn't speak to him anymore as she told him she had feelings for him and he told her he thought the same, they apparently had sex then his ex wanted him back and he blocked this girl when she was quite rightly annoyed and around the time of the message to DD, he also messaged the other girl apologising which makes me think he's messaging them for a relationship/sex which isn't right.

DD had an 18th birthday party and invited him and he told bee he didn't want to go as her friends don't like him, but surely if he's ‘changed’ he’d want to prove to them too?

She has been trying to get me to back down with the autism diagnosis as her brother is autistic so she's been saying I should understand him etc and he deserves a 2nd chance although this isn't a 2nd chance more like 3rd or even 4th!