To end a 14-year friendship over this

[tammyrae]

I’ve been friends with Jade* since we were in our late teens. When we met, she was living in a flat provided by social services. She had an awful childhood and was in and out of foster care because her parents put drugs and alcoholic before their children. She was bullied at school for wearing scabby clothes and being too quiet and her biological family were also vile to her. I’ve helped her with money in the past and, to be fair, she has repaid me (although I didn’t ask). She was a bridesmaid at my wedding and at one point I’d have considered her my best friend.

These last few years, she’s really landed on her feet. She’s works really hard in a job that pays well. She’s bagged herself a rich boyfriend and they live rent and mortgage free in one of his parents’ property. She drives a lovely car and has multiple beauty procedures a year. I’m happy that she’s come so far I can’t stand her behaviour anymore.

I was looking in the charity shops for a coat for (my then) 2-year-old. She commented that I was “tight” and that I should buy him a new one because he deserves nice things. A mutual friend and I put this down to trauma so I let it go. (She has a huge aversion to charity shops) When I told her I was going to Iceland to get some shopping, she made vomiting noises and started talking about the “organic” meat she buys at the butchers. When DH got a new car, she had to compare it to her sports car. I work part-time as a waitress because I’m doing a degree. She commented that she earns more in a week than I do in a month and, at my age, I should really strive for better (hence why I’m doing a degree). She actually put it a lot more rudely.

Whenever anyone has challenged her, she’s written passive aggressive posts on social media about people being jealous. For example, she didn’t like being told it was stupid to get veneers done in Turkey. The only reason someone (not me) would tell her that is jealousy and not because they work for the NHS. She’s fallen out with a few friends but can’t see anything wrong with her behaviour.

She never used to be like this but is on a complete power trip right now and living on cloud cuckoo. It’s a shame as she was an amazing friend.

*some names and details have been changed

just back away slowly and without fuss. She's changed, you don't like what she's become. It is not compulsory to stay friends with someone out of sentiment, but you also don't need to "break up" with her.

That's how it goes sometimes, friends are supposed to enhance our lives, if they're not doing that - and it's not a time when they need your support - it is fine to drop it.

I agree with you that a lot of this behaviour is down to trauma from her horrific childhood, although she possibly doesn’t recognise that. As she’s such a long standing friend I’d have a really frank and honest talk with her before ending this friendship. Sit her down, tell her you love her and are so proud of the amazing life she has built for herself. But explain how some of the things she’s said are hurtful to you. Give her direct examples (for example, your job) and explain how it made you feel. It might take someone being blunt in a caring way to make her see.
I wonder has she ever had counselling to help her deal with issues from her past?

You don't have to drop her. Just put her on a back burner. Do not let her words/actions affect how you live.

This. Highly likely a trauma response and worth one last shot.

Peashoots put it perfectly above. If you value the friendship then try talk to her, it's obvious that her childhood has had a massive impact on how she views things.

Trauma response?!?!

are you joking this person is plain rude and rudeness is not necessarily related to trauma at her age

coming into some money does not mean you should be rude to others who have less than you

op run from this one

She sounds nasty. Let's hop her good fortune lasts because she won't have any friends left if she continues to be so rude.

I wouldn't make a fuss, or get into any discussions with her about it, but I'd probably be seeing a lot less of her than I did and keeping well away from any money topics.

She seems to have become a snob, imo. Coming from such an awful start in life you would think she would have a little more humility. If she carried on with this behaviour she will end up with no friends. All the money and posh cars in the world are no substitute for have people who care about you.
I would talk to her about her behaviour and if it has no effect I would be quietly stepping away

She sounds like that Harry Enfield character who went round saying "I'm considerably richer than you."

Trauma of the sort your friend endured leaves deep, deep scars. I can totally see why, for example, she is agin the idea of putting a child in second hand clothes - that relates directly back to her own experiences as a child, it's not really about you at all. I imagine she is very proud of what she's achieved and even more frightened of losing it all, so tells herself there is a direct relationship between how hard a person works and the rewards they reap because, if she believes that, then she'll be OK.

Doesn't make it any easier to live with though, so it's fine for you to decide not to.

are you a psychologist/ psychiatrist? no? then you have no idea

Yes, this. She is clearly utterly terrified of ending up 'back there' again and wants to assure herself that she can't and won't - to dissociate herself from it entirely - and, like many people, she subscribes to the idea that attack is the best form of defence. Her upbringing won't really have given her a chance to develop much emotional maturity. She won't be able to acknowledge the element of luck in her current situation* because that would mean it could all be taken away again.

(*You say she's 'fallen on her feet' but it also sounds as if she has worked very hard to get the job she has).

You don't have to stay friends with her, obviously, but if you felt up to having a kind but frank conversation with her, you may have helped her very much in the long term.

Chances are she's running with some sort of imposter syndrome. Just say to her, hey you know when you say that, it really hurts my feelings.

Give her a chance at least to correct herself. If she doesn't then drop then friendship.

Yanbu

your friends a snob and thinks everyone can afford the same as her & don’t have money struggles. I’m not very wealthy but im
not bad off, and I love going to have a mooch around a charity shop, can’t stand people who think a bit of money makes them think there the absolute shit & can look down there nose at others. Ditch her she’s a nob.

I suffered a horrible childhood and couldn't bring myself to shop in charity shops or put the children in second hand clothes.
I know its stupid but I just couldn't!
I was never rude though.

She's not a knob. She just sound like she has massive issues from her childhood. Just talk to her and explain how you feel.

Why are you even asking the question. If it happened to a friend of yours, what would you advice?

please dont be hurt, OP. some random guy told me on the beach last eve, "the past is behind you. leave it there." wow, huh??!
Dont fret or regret, she'll get back to you soon. HUGS.xx

My guess is this is a trauma response. By pointing these things out she's a)validating herself that she's OK now b)acknowledging that she deserves it. My guess is that she's actually feeling a bit of imposter syndrome and isn't sure how to handle her new lifestyle and the social cues that come with it. Can 100% see why someone who has grown up in serious poverty would value those things as a way to feel safe and secure when trauma means they never ever truly feel safe and secure. I'd put it down to that and let it wash over me. Or next time she says something just jokingly mention well we're not all married to a millionaire now are we. Hopefully it's a phase and she'll settle into it. If she doesn't then just reduce your contact gradually or focus on safe topics when you see her. Just because life is good for her now doesn't mean she's not feeling the same instability inside and trying to make sense of it in her own way. That's how trauma works.

Living rent free in her boyfriends parents house isn’t super secure, if they split up she would be out on her ear. Having to fork out rent would mean less money for cosmetic procedures, she might not be as financially secure as she makes out.