To dream of co-parenting or bad mum?

[toweddingornot]

DS is a 4 months old and I am exhausted. I know it's the stupidest things in the world and I love DH but I was thinking being a co-parent might be nice. You'd have a few days off.

Obviously I am talking about co-parenting with someone who pulls their weight and doesn't just piss off never to be seen again (like my dad!).

A woman in my breastfeeding group got mastitis and needed 2 days in hospital on an IV, I thought that sounded nice! So I recon my brain is just a bit frazzled right now.

Am I a bad mum for even fantasising about these things? I LOVE DS but I'd take a break if offered one, I know most women seem to never want to be away from their baby so maybe I am bad/weird/wrong .

Everyone needs a break. This shit is hard. I've got two and I look up one bed flats on Rightmove that I could move in to alone.

You are not at all weird or bad, don't worry. Every woman at this stage of parenthood who I've ever chatted to has expressed a similar sentiment, and I felt the same way myself. Young babies' needs are huge and incessant. It's natural to feel overwhelmed.

FWIW things do improve a little at 6 months, when they can sit up but not yet crawl, so you can pop them on a playmat and at least have your arms free for a few minutes...

You're not a bad mum, you are exhausted. Is there a reason you can't talk to DH about this and ask him for help so you feel less frazzled and can get a break?

Crazy idea, why can’t your partner just equally parent while you are still together?

Why can't you take a break now?

Absolutely understand.

Do you get any time off? Just an hour or two to yourself on Sat and Sun could make a huge difference - and it’s good for your DP to have sole charge of the baby too.

To be fair DH does mind the baby. He is still mostly breastfed so that does put a lot more on me, but we give him a bottle of formula every evening now and DH does that. But after that when DS is fussy it's me he wants, and I know some day I will miss that.

This morning DS fed then DH took him to the kitchen while he had breakfast and I had 30mins extra sleep alone. He is a noisy baby and sometimes starts garbling in his sleep which keeps me awake.

I have been around kids my whole life I think I just didn't realise how much this would be. A few days of sleep without having to think about anything/ anyone else would be amazing, but I do know that I've signed up for motherhood and that doesn't happen!!

it’s good for your DP to have sole charge of the baby too.

Long time since I had babies but what astonished me was the number of mums who didn't let their husband look after the little one. First mistake they rushed in to take over. People make mistakes and he needs you to step back now and then to let him be dad. My OH was a great hands on dad who looked after the babies when I wasn't there, he made a few mistakes and had to learn but got there.

You're having these thoughts because you're exhausted and I wonder if you might possibly be affected by a touch of PND. This is really quite common and could be worth a chat with your GP about.

Aside from that, I think it's important to plan some breaks for yourself.

I'm a lone parent (properly single, no father involved at all) and something that has been important for me is to have a couple of nights away on my own every so often. Not as young as 4m but certainly from 12m onwards. Sometimes I've gone away for a couple of days for work, but I've also been on long weekend holidays with friends. It does the world of good to have a few days off the parenting treadmill!

I remember saying the exact same thing to DH when DD2 was a baby. I was in the midst of depression, exhausted and lonely. I honestly thought that even though I loved DH, if we weren't together I'd at least have half my time away from the kids just to breathe.

I don't have anything useful to really advise other than I don't think you're a bad parent. It's a huge cliche but it really does get better. It feels like it never will when you're in the midst of it, but it really will.

@ItsNotReallyChaos I have been diagnosed with PND and the GP started me on something a few weeks ago. I'm not sure it's helping but also not sure it's not! I can't imagine being a lone parent that must be so tough.

@MrsGamgee glad I'm not the only one. I have no intention of leaving DH, just a fantasy I have sometimes. I did say it to him, he was like WHAT! I said to the gp about wanting mastitis and she was like right......
I am very lonely too, we live rurally. Not in a little village, as in about 1 mile from the next house. My car broke last year and I still haven't replaced it, I WFH so didn't need to. Before DS was born I went to my mums every few weeks for few nights. She lives in my home town about 3 hours from me. I caught up with friends/ family. I don't think I will be able to afford a new car until at least after mat leave. Logically/ realistically I know it'll get better even if the challenges are different but right now I am in a loop of baby/ laundry/ lonely

Good afternoon :)

I am new on here and have never posted so please accept my apology if this is the wrong thread but I’m struggling to find a new post link.

i just need some advise regarding my ex who I have a 2 1/2 year boy old with ( I am male btw)

so me and my partner split up when my child was 6/7 months, for the first 10 months after moving out I went down every night after work till about 11pm to help with things.
also paid rent for the first 11 months then Money went down and I’m still paying well over what I should be, I would go down at all hours of the night if I was needed and my ex was struggling through the night.

my partner also dropped my child to my work during the week on my lunch and I walked him to nursery 2/3 times a week. Which eventually I had to stop as my work started getting a bit funny about me leaving 2 / 3 times a week.

i have had my child every weekend Friday -till Sunday evening without fail since he was born also once a weekday on a Tuesday till about 7:30/8ish. Which I cannot complain about as I love spending time with my child as I don’t live with him, this isn’t my problem and I would still love to live with him but you will realise why I can’t further down the post.

the problem I have is the contact with my ex partner and how I feel anything I do or so is wrong,

I couldn’t pick my child up the right way without being told “ oh no not that way “

or when I used to get home from work I’d say I’m just having a quick shower I would then get a reply of …
” why should you get to shower when I haven’t had one all day I’ve had a child to look after “

my ex constantly watches “ advice videos on Instagram or TIK TOCK and how to talk your child and how to raise them”

For example if I say “ you love your food don’t you “ to my boy.
my ex partner will then say to me “ oh don’t say that because it might put him off his food “
or if I say “ come on … let’s put your pj’s on now “

my ex will reply “ no don’t mention PJ’s or night time because he won’t do it , you have to say “ I’m here ready for you when ever you want to put your pj’s on “

i work 5 days a week full time, even if I am ill and I mention this the day I am due to have my son I will get a message back “ your still having your son even if your ill because I’ve had too when I’m ill so you can too “

my ex works 2 1/2 days a week and on those days the boy is at nursery for.

i get phone calls at work “ can you take tomorrow off , or can you leave work now and have your son cos he’s ill “

over the past 2 years I’ve counted 25 times or more I’ve had a phone call or a text on the day my boy is due to go back home on the Sunday saying

“ can you have him an extra night and take him to nursery tomorrow I’m knackered “

or

“ can he stay with you again tonight because I’m tired and got loads to do here “

but as soon as I say, I’ve been invited to a party Friday I get shot down and my ex will say “ no I’ve planned something and it’s the weekend and your time with him “
or I will be told I’ll have to have him on the Sunday night too because I’m not seeing him on the Friday.
even if I suggest popping round to see him for an hour I will be told no because it would be confusing for him if I just popped in on a day I don’t usually see him.

anything I do, is wrong or I have to make up for it if I don’t see him.
If I suggest 6 o’clock on a Sunday I will receive a text at 5 saying oh can it be 7 tonight instead I’ve got loads to do.

i have apologised for maybe being loveless and could have shown more affection but I just felt so drained by it all But my ex partner just doesn’t apologise or see she is doing or done anything wrong and makes me constantly feel bad.

Is this controlling behaviour? Lots of family members mine and her family have said it’s a sign of it yes definitely and her dad also said she has always had to have it her way and will never admit wrong doing.

has anyone ever been in a similar situation or any advice you could send my way that would be really really helpful.

Thanks in advance

@Mike29uk this all sounds very stressful. I don't have any advice sorry. You probably won't get any replies on this thread. Up the top there is a 'start new thread' button, maybe copy the above into a new post. Hopefully someone can relate.