In laws and illness

[Mumofgirls1990]

I have a SIL who has two kids. We have had issues in the past when she’s knowingly brought them to family Sunday dinners/ soft play etc.with them having sickness bugs- she only mentions it as they are leaving and as you can imagine it spreads through everyone there like wildfire.

She has just had covid and went to her mums for dinner two days after testing positive and her mum welcomed her in. Obviously this had a knock on effect. Her mum (my MIL has a huge inability to say no to her daughter)

I have premature twins who are 10 weeks old. Yesterday my eldest was a bit under the weather so we stayed away from the big family Sunday dinner that my MIL summons us to once a month, only to find out SIL and partner were there with kids loaded with cold and hadn’t told us about it. Thankfully we had stayed away. AIBU to expect SIL, and MIL to at least let us know when they’re ill? I would have been furious if I’d got there and the kids were snorting and coughing over my tiny twins, who have had lots of problems with feeding, weight gain, and hospital re admissions since birth.

SIL is an incredibly selfish and self Centered girl. Her mum does everything for her as she’s completely incapable, and is absolutely terrified of upsetting her precious only daughter.

I know the twins will catch things but at this stage in the babies life I’d rather try and avoid viruses if I can. My eldest had serious bronchiolitis as a baby and she had a lot more reserve than these twins do.

I wouldn't risk seeing any of the selfish gits until your babies are stronger. Some people are unbelievable.

Yeah at 10 weeks and premature they are being extremely unreasonable.

And I’m a mum who is fine with sick kids being around my pre-schooler.

You don't need to be angry or annoyed or critical when you speak to them. Just be firm that you are being cautious with your babies.
The thought of broken nights with 2 babies once they''ve caught colds or coughs is horrendous.

I would be as blunt as to say to them if you don’t pre warn us of things like that so we can make an informed decision we just wont come at all

Your babies need their energy to develop en gain weight, not fight a cold or other diseases at this stage in life. YANBU

YANBU at all. People can be so inconsiderate. I’m betting a lot of them wouldn’t bring illness to elderly people but will to vulnerable babies, children or adults.

YANBU Id politely tell them for the forseeable you will be staying away from family events in order to give your twins the best start in life without the risk of catching illnesses.

To me that makes it clear that you are pointing the finger at those that dont respect that, without spelling it out.
If they say 'they could catch a cold/etc anywhere', you simply state that whilst that may be true, you wouldnt willingly let someone in your house with a cold and out in public you can choose not to go, or to leave.

YANBU at all. I often post on threads here about sick toddlers, saying if it's just a snotty nose or lingering cough then we carry on as normal. But I wouldn't dream of seeing even a healthy newborn in that situation.

i wouldn’t even dream of going anywhere with my preterm babies until they are at least 6m old.
(My twins were preterm)

I also wouldn't see them until the twins are much stronger and strong enough to easily withstand a sickness bug. I wouldn't think there was any point in asking them to let you know if they're ill, as they may not, and it's not worth the risk.

Have you ever had a conversation with either SIL or MIL about this?

You weren’t going this time anyway, there was nothing to tell.

in future as this is something that worries you, if make a point of asking rather than waiting for them to tell you. Their judgment will probably be different from yours and something you think is worth cancelling the day over might not be to them.

The way your speaking about your MIl isn’t very nice. She’s probably happy to welcome her beloved grandchildren any time, even if they are a bit poorly, and good for her!

Honestly I think if your twins are premature you should keep them away from these gatherings until they're stronger anyway.

Once they're ready to mix safely they're going to catch germs wherever they go anyway.

Honestly, I’d ask the MIL if Typhoid Mary and her herd were likely to be there and say no every time she answers in the affirmative.

Just stay away until you're comfortable that your babies are big enough to deal with infection.

You know they're idiots. Your babies are yours to care for. The onus for decision-making falls fully on you.