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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To drop this friend?

17 replies

ldontWanna · 06/11/2022 15:27

Background:

Her : 2 bedroom council house,3 kids, both her and her husband work

Me: 1 bedroom owned house, 1 kid , both me and OH work.

When she complains about cost of living,benefits,having 3 kids,finances etc I'm always sympathetic, I listen and offer help and advice if I can.

When I complain about similar things,or worry about how we'll manage when DD is a teenager(not far off) or express heartbreak that I would've liked another child but couldn't afford one(mainly the space) so didn't she's very dismissive that we at least own, I don't realise how lucky we are to be on the property ladder and so on. I've tried to explain to her it's not all unicorns and pink fluffy clouds, that we are basically trapped in the flat for various reasons and will never be able to move "up" . I told her that it's hurtful when she dismisses my issues and it's not exactly like I'm in a mansion living the life of Riley. She nods and awws but then does it again because owning property is only a dream for others, it's so hard to buy etc.

Because of this, despite the fact that we get on really well otherwise and our views are very similar in most things, I don't think I can be a good friend anymore. When she complains I either don't care or just want to reply "well you made your bed (just like I did) now lie in it".

So AIBU to want to end the friendship? I suppose we could keep some form of casual and superficial thing going , but I don't really see the point. I don't have many friends , so maybe I'm the issue or I expect too much.

OP posts:
Idontevenknow · 06/11/2022 15:30

It's up to you if you don't enjoy her company anymore- you are not forced to continue friendships.

Sometimes I find though that a break/ keeping distance for a little while works if you are getting on each others nerves at the moment.

GoldenGorilla · 06/11/2022 15:35

I’d be inclined to reduce the friendship rather than drop it totally - if you enjoy her company but don’t find her supportive it’s fine to keep her as a more casual friend.

I do have quite a lot of friends but most of them aren’t people I would moan /vent to about finance or wanting more kids etc. it’s ok to readjust your expectations of this particular friendship without letting it go entirely.

Original poster
ldontWanna · 06/11/2022 15:54

GoldenGorilla · 06/11/2022 15:35

I’d be inclined to reduce the friendship rather than drop it totally - if you enjoy her company but don’t find her supportive it’s fine to keep her as a more casual friend.

I do have quite a lot of friends but most of them aren’t people I would moan /vent to about finance or wanting more kids etc. it’s ok to readjust your expectations of this particular friendship without letting it go entirely.

We are(were?!) quite close. I know more about her than some members of my family. She set the tone in a way as she "started" the complaining first ,which tbh I think it's quite normal and natural when you talk a lot. She's also been asking me throughout the years when I'm having more kids, do I not want more kids etc. so that opened up that conversation. In her eyes, we'd manage and it would all be ok if we really wanted to and of course "at least we own a home".

I suppose i could keep it more light and superficial (a bit harder when she texts) but then if she starts complaining I honestly can't be how I was so I don't know if that would end the relationship anyways. For example if I change the subject or don't listen at much.

I'm not doing anything yet,just gathering opinions and trying to put my own thoughts and feelings in order.

OP posts:
Proamble · 06/11/2022 15:59

I think maybe stop moaning at each other. It sounds quite tiresome to have these same conversations all the time, what are either of you expected to do about it? She has the extra children you want, you have the home ownership she wants. I think it’s time to just make peace with what you have and talk about something else.

Original poster
ldontWanna · 06/11/2022 16:23

Proamble · 06/11/2022 15:59

I think maybe stop moaning at each other. It sounds quite tiresome to have these same conversations all the time, what are either of you expected to do about it? She has the extra children you want, you have the home ownership she wants. I think it’s time to just make peace with what you have and talk about something else.

We've been friends for nearly 7 years and talk most days. Is it that unusual to end up talking about this kind of stuff every now and then?

OP posts:
UnstableCarHouse · 06/11/2022 16:25

If a friendship isn’t bringing anything positive to your life and you don’t enjoy spending time with the other person then end it. Nothing big or dramatic, just let it wither on the vine. Alternatively, carry on seeing her but avoid the subjects that irritate you.

Seekandyeshallfind · 06/11/2022 16:40

Are you waiting for someone to come along and be outagesld that they live in a council house (claim benefits? Although not sure what if both she and DH work) and so shouldn't have 3 kids, whereas you are being sensible/not a drain on public purse not to have more children? I'm not sure what the relevance of how many bedrooms/kids each of you have is?
Maybe you should both accept that at some point you're both going to need an extra bedroom, that everyone is going through a rough time, that everyone is having to economise and compromise, everyone needs someone to moan at sometimes and either be mutually supportive or admit that you don't have that good a friendship

Original poster
ldontWanna · 06/11/2022 16:47

Seekandyeshallfind · 06/11/2022 16:40

Are you waiting for someone to come along and be outagesld that they live in a council house (claim benefits? Although not sure what if both she and DH work) and so shouldn't have 3 kids, whereas you are being sensible/not a drain on public purse not to have more children? I'm not sure what the relevance of how many bedrooms/kids each of you have is?
Maybe you should both accept that at some point you're both going to need an extra bedroom, that everyone is going through a rough time, that everyone is having to economise and compromise, everyone needs someone to moan at sometimes and either be mutually supportive or admit that you don't have that good a friendship

Not at all. Just that I am /was supportive and she isn't on these particular issues. Whether that's enough to end a friendship and if I'm right to be annoyed by it or it's OTT.

I felt the background was necessary as it's directly connected to this issue, and it is the only issue I have with her. Anything else, she reacts the way a friends would.

OP posts:
Wildmamma · 06/11/2022 17:56

I had a friendship were they would moan that it was alright for us with out gold plated pensions.. which we dont actually have .. we working at the front line of very intensive public service work and dealing with very challenging things day in day out.

Compared to their active choice to work part time , top work up with benefits and have lots of free time gentle lifestyle.

We had opposing views on this and how to live.

We chose to put the differences aside as we had more in common than we didnt

.. would that be a thing for you ? .
How much do you want to keep the friendship?
Talking daily is probably too much . Maybe you need more variety and more/ different things to talk abiut together and maybe you have got stuck in this groove .

pumpkinelvis · 06/11/2022 18:02

You both sound resentful of each other's life which is not a good recipe for friendship.

There's things about my friends life that i could be envious of (mostly that they had 2 dc and I couldn't have anymore after dc1). But I also have more financial security than they do. So swings and roundabouts. If you don't want to be friends with them then don't.

albapunk · 06/11/2022 18:10

I've had a friend like this. They vewiwed the fact I have no children and a reasonable joint income with my partner that my life was "fine". They genuinely DID NOT understand the added expenses that come with owning my home, they didn't quite realise that any major repairs or problems fall on me. She assumed being a home owner was a luxury, stress free thing which as many of us know, can be far from the truth. I acknowledged her feelings of wanting to own a home, but also explained how there were aspects of her life that I would absolutely love for myself.

It's not a race to the bottom, and likewise being envious of a friends situation is toxic, chat it out properly and see if you can help each other to understand why you each feel the way that you do. It worked for me and my friends and we are closer than ever, but also be prepared that it may not go that way and sometimes breaking off a friendship is the healthiest option.

HeckyPeck · 06/11/2022 18:16

You've tried telling her it's hurtful and she keeps doing it.

I'd you get on well otherwise, I'd do the same back to her i.e.

Her: it's alright for you as a home owner. You're so lucky. It's only a dream for others.

You: no, no, you're the lucky one. So many people in private renting. They could only dream of the security and affordability of a council house.

Or her: it's so hard having 3 kids.
You: you're so lucky having 3 kids. Some people can only dream of having children.

heartchakra · 06/11/2022 18:26

I thought you said it's a house? Then you mention it's a flat you're in?!

Original poster
ldontWanna · 06/11/2022 18:27

heartchakra · 06/11/2022 18:26

I thought you said it's a house? Then you mention it's a flat you're in?!

Sorry that was a mistake in the OP. I live in a flat.

OP posts:
Original poster
ldontWanna · 06/11/2022 18:31

pumpkinelvis · 06/11/2022 18:02

You both sound resentful of each other's life which is not a good recipe for friendship.

There's things about my friends life that i could be envious of (mostly that they had 2 dc and I couldn't have anymore after dc1). But I also have more financial security than they do. So swings and roundabouts. If you don't want to be friends with them then don't.

I honestly wasn't resentful until recently, and even now it's the lack of understanding/support rather than what she has and I don't.

OP posts:
TreesAtSea · 06/11/2022 19:09

Sounds like someone I knew, though not a close friend. She: council tenant in 3 bedroom house, big garden, one child. Me: 1 bedroom leasehold flat, no children. Her monthly rent was half my mortgage, she never had to pay for repairs etc whereas I've had a series of massive bills beyond my control. Fine, that's life, but she was obsessed with my financial position, or at least what she thought she knew about it, despite saying she would never want to buy because of the risks etc. Endless snide remarks about how I was loaded and so on. Hurtful and plain ridiculous, especially as we were on identical salaries.So glad she's not in my life anymore.

junebirthdaygirl · 06/11/2022 20:28

I have a few different group of friends. We all have different lifestyles; houses, holidays, etc. Some are millionaires (not us)mainly due to inheritance. Some have three holidays a year others have a weekend in a caravan. Some are just regular and all in between. We all go back a long way when we were all sort of equal as students. It is never an issue. We never compare. It just doesn't arise. Just stay off the subject and enjoy the part of the friendship you enjoy. I would hate if it got to complaining and comparing.

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