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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist on choosing the name for baby

52 replies

goldenflowers95 · 06/11/2022 12:42

I was in a long term relationship that resulted in a pregnancy, dp at the time stated he wasn't ready for a child and wanted me to have an abortion - I didn't, so the relationship ended. He then blocked me and didn't speak to me for months. In that time I found out I was expecting a girl and picked out a name for her. Ex dp has now decided he wants to be involved after all and doesn't like the name I have chosen. I said I'm not changing it because I was under the impression he wouldn't be involved and chose her name when he wasn't around. He says it's not fair and he should have a say in the name now that he's going to be involved. I'm quite annoyed because I love the name I've chosen and can't see myself naming her anything else! AIBU?

OP posts:
Ivyonafence · 06/11/2022 13:03

Nope, sorry mate. He missed it.

The child has been named. Give her your surname as well.

If you want to give him a go at being a dad, great. But he can prove himself by supporting you and being helpful, not by coming and going and then making demands.

What's he contributed so far?

Keep an open mind going forward but he's missed the boat here.

Fernticket · 06/11/2022 13:03

If it was me, I wouldn't be putting him on the birth certificate either.

KettrickenSmiled · 06/11/2022 13:17

He says it's not fair and he should have a say in the name now that he's going to be involved.

"Fuck off - you wanted me to abort her. Your sole input is going to be monetary. The CMS will be in touch to let you know how much."

InsertSomethingInspiring · 06/11/2022 13:24

I think the middle name suggestion is a good one if it's something you're happy to do to compromise, but I certainly would be giving her the name you've chosen and your surname.

You don't even know if he'll stick about after his previous behaviour. It's quite telling he's whining 'it's not fair' instead of apologising unreservedly for disappearing when you're at your most vulnerable and carrying his baby. He should be supporting you not causing drama over something that is a consequence of his own actions. You already identify your child with this name so he can bugger off.

bewarethetides · 06/11/2022 13:34

Tell him to jog on.

And go through CMS.

TangoBrava · 06/11/2022 13:56

No to name
Yes to your surname
No to him being on the birth certificate

You can always add him onto the birth certificate once (if) he proves himself. But he can never be removed. Not ever.

If you put him on, he'll have an equal say to you over absolutely everything for the next 18 years.

The name argument is him showing you who he is. Listen to that.

HermioneWeasley · 06/11/2022 14:01

Your choice of name
your surname
only you on the birth certificate
and breast feed so you get to determine contact for the first year

let him prove he’s fit to be in your daughter’s life

SpookySally · 06/11/2022 14:12

Whatever you do don’t put him on the birth certificate.

MerryMarigold · 06/11/2022 14:24

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

What a cheek!

Bumzoo · 06/11/2022 14:40

No.

That's all you need to say.

LulooLemon · 06/11/2022 14:49

Your choice of first names.
Your surname.

Do not budge on these!

Hai2012 · 06/11/2022 14:58

Give her the name you've chosen, your surname, and don't add him to the birth certificate.

Barbie222 · 06/11/2022 15:06

Wait until she's born m, named with the name of your choice and your surname, and the birth certificate is done and dusted. Avoid contact with him before this time. Let him know you'll be in touch after the birth, when you can discuss the terms of possible contact, and not to contact you again before.

Barbie222 · 06/11/2022 15:08

Just because it bears repeating:

No contact with you until after the birth, and then as and when you see fit as the primary carer.

StrangerOnline · 06/11/2022 15:13

TangoBrava · 06/11/2022 13:56

No to name
Yes to your surname
No to him being on the birth certificate

You can always add him onto the birth certificate once (if) he proves himself. But he can never be removed. Not ever.

If you put him on, he'll have an equal say to you over absolutely everything for the next 18 years.

The name argument is him showing you who he is. Listen to that.

Exactly what I was going to write

But you could pretend to have discussions with him about it – if you want to try and stay diplomatic and maintain civil contact.
Just make sure that you do not commit or promise anything, and stay strong - you get the final choice

Notthetoothfairy · 06/11/2022 15:18

Don’t let him choose the name, don’t give DD his surname and don’t put ex on the birth certificate. He deserves absolutely no rights here.

Longdarkcloud · 06/11/2022 15:19

He didn’t get his way with an abortion yet is continuing to try to control you ( and his child). Take the above pps advice and protect yourself and your DD by keeping him at arm’s length.
It May be tempting to envisage a nice cosy family life with him but he has shown you it will never be like that so don’t get trapped. Have your DD and don’t weaken and allow him to be at the birth. Don’t put him on the birth certificate and don’t discuss plans for her future with him.
When you are ready and stable you’ll find someone who will treat you both with the love and respect you deserve if that is what you want.

Foolosophy · 06/11/2022 15:25

I’m not in the UK so unsure of laws but I would absolutely put him on the birth certificate, otherwise your daughter would lose out on inheritance and other rights she would have as his daughter.

DelphiniumBlue · 06/11/2022 15:32

He blocked his pregnant girlfriend? That is a supremely selfish man with no judgment, why would you go with his suggestions?
Give your baby the name you have already chosen. There is nothing in what you have said that suggests that he will stick around longterm, or that he is trying to make amends ( though not sure what amends he could make, his behaviour was callous in the extreme, shows the type of guy he is). In 2 or 3 years time, he might be out of contact again, blocking you again, yet is asking that he gets to choose the name?
I wouldn't even bother discussing it further, he's had his say, you disagree and don't have to do what he says.

TangoBrava · 06/11/2022 16:33

Foolosophy · 06/11/2022 15:25

I’m not in the UK so unsure of laws but I would absolutely put him on the birth certificate, otherwise your daughter would lose out on inheritance and other rights she would have as his daughter.

What rights do you think the child has? This is solely about parental rights and responsibilities. Arguably the only thing one could argue that a child has a right to is the right to be loved and to have the adults involved in their lives acting in their best interests.

And so, given his behaviour, if this deadbeat sounding guy who tried to bully his partner into having an abortion, then ghosted her, then is now back trying to bully her again, actually is secretly Elon Musk with billions to potentially pass on in inheritance, this is still not the right thing to do at this time.

HermioneWeasley · 06/11/2022 16:36

Oh, and he has absolutely no right to be at the birth. Don’t have him there, you need people who are 100% supportive of you. Tell him after you’ve given birth, whenever suits you

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 06/11/2022 17:40

Foolosophy · 06/11/2022 15:25

I’m not in the UK so unsure of laws but I would absolutely put him on the birth certificate, otherwise your daughter would lose out on inheritance and other rights she would have as his daughter.

That's not how the law works in the UK

BertieQueen · 06/11/2022 17:53

I will only repeat what others have said, keep the name you have.

I did exactly that and let my ex pick one middle name. My child also has my surname.

We haven’t seen ex for nearly 9 years now, I guarantee he will disappear again and you won’t hear from him in the next few years.

Sagealicious · 06/11/2022 19:05

Sounds like he wants to be in control of everything. Demanded that you have an abortion but when you refused (quite rightly) he threw a hissy fit and refused to speak to you. Now the manchild is back and demanding that you give your daughter another name because you chose it and not him. Blind Freddy can see it most likely won't end there. What will his next set of demands be?

Thisisnotmyname2 · 06/11/2022 22:24

I think if both biological parents are known they should both be on the birth certificate for the child's sake. People should know where they come from and it costs a lot of time and money for a man to fight for thier parental rights in court even if they are on the birth certificate and mum is refusing access to the child. I know a man who had to fight to see his child and he's still in debt now after only being given every other weekend at the end of the whole process. So imo it's not true that just being on the birth certificate will give the dad equal rights. Maybe legally it is but it doesn't actually work out like that in real life.

Op I agree baby should have your surname in this situation and sod what ex thinks about the first name choice. Definitely apply for child support too. Not sure if you can claim child support without him being on the birth certificate either.

If he does want to see his daughter make it clear that he will have to show up at the same times every week and be consistent for her. Don't let him just rock up whenever he wants. It should be on a schedule and supervised by you until you're comfortable for her to be away from you. Im guessing he won't be able to afford to fight you on that. Good luck op.x