To be really upset about this

[Glowinthedark1]

I’m probably (definitely) being over sensitive about this, but I’m really upset and I just want a good cry and rant.

I’m over half way through studying a degree where I need to know a lot about people’s health (I’ll try and keep it anonymous but I’m sure it will be obvious regardless). I’m doing well in my exams and practical assessments. Earlier last week, my mentor who i was shadowing and working with was asking me some questions. Not in an exam, just for general teaching. Really basic things that I should know. I couldn’t answer them.

I don’t know what happened. I study so much and i thought I knew the stuff, but I obviously don’t know it as well as I thought because I couldn’t explain it. I gave some crap answers for signs and symptoms and it was obvious I was floundering. I could barely describe the treatment. I was like that for every question, even the easy ones he gave me to be nice. I sounded like an absolute idiot. Just to be clear, my mentor is a lovely and honest guy who was NOT trying to upset me. He was very kind about it and said I did well. But he also said I need to work on this and that he would have expected better knowledge by my stage which is absolutely fair and I agree with. I just wasn’t good enough

I felt so upset and useless. I know it might sound dramatic but it’s made me start to question it all. What if I’m never good enough, what if this is the wrong career for me and I never make it, what if I let everyone down, what if I can’t do it. I should have known the answers to those questions and I didn’t, some of them were really basic. I was so embarrassed and cross with myself- i just felt so useless and stupid. He was really kind and could see I was upset, but there really is no excuse. I should know this by now. I cried the entire way home and haven’t been able to get it off my mind since.

I study so much and the techniques I use work for me (I’ve used them since a levels) but i think the problem is that I’ve spent a lot of time studying other areas and have forgotten other things. If I sat an exam on the questions he asked me I probably would have got 100%, but when it actually came to answering in a real life setting I couldn’t do it

I have no idea why I’m posting this- I know nobody else can fix this apart from me and in some ways this is the kick up the butt I needed to put some more work in- I’m grateful for the opportunity to find out exactly what I need to work on. But I feel so down about it all, and I’m worried I’ll never be good enough.

So you can write easily about it, but not speak about it?

There's your answer. Actually practice speaking about each topic, as though you're explaining it to somebody else, somebody qualified like you and to patients/clients. You don't even have to be speaking to another person, you can rehearse it by yourself, record it on your phone, play it back and look for improvements.

Are you sure it was as awkward as you fear? If he is your mentor he will want you to improve your skills, ask him for feedback and guidance.

You are still training and you are a human being. I'm sure your course is an extremely challenging one. If it's what I assume it is then you probably are really not used to getting things wrong/not knowing things because you're an extremely high achiever even to get on it, but being able to make mistakes and even - gasp - fail a bit is an incredibly useful life skill. It doesn't make you an unsuitable person or a stupid one, it just means you need to try again and that's ok. Sure it's not ok every time, but it's not every time is it? You need to be tenacious and pick yourself up and make it right. I'm 100% positive you can do this but worrying at the mistake/failure is going to make it harder, so let it go.