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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to move far away from family?

26 replies

bells2810 · 05/11/2022 18:28

My DP and I are expecting our first baby and have been speaking about moving within the next couple of years. The area of the town that we live in is quite built up and we’d like to move somewhere more rural and closer to where I work (approx 45 minutes away), somewhere with more open space where we could hopefully have a garden and a good school for baby when she’s old enough.

Recently my DP has started saying he wants to move to a city over two hours away. He has always lived in our local town and had a tough upbringing, I know that he wants to move to get away from bad memories, but he genuinely wants to move to this city which I think is much too far away. Our families both live here, and especially with a baby on the way, I don’t want to be moving far away from our families. I don’t want our daughter growing up and having to travel 2+ hours to see her grandparents/aunts and uncles/cousins, I think it will put a big gap between us when at the moment, the places we had been looking at moving to are around 30-45 minutes away.

I know DP isn’t happy living where we are, but he gets frustrated that I don’t want to move so far away and says that I’m being dismissive, whereas I think I’m being logical in saying as much as we like visiting that city, living there permanently a long way from family and friends would be different.

I don’t want to indulge the idea when I am really against it and know it’s not right for me, at the same time I want my partner to be happy. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 05/11/2022 18:31

Put your foot down, do not go that far away. You will need support from family.

Taradiddled · 05/11/2022 18:34

Well, no, you’re not being unfair, but if you want to stay married and have different ideas about where to live, you’ll have to figure out some form of compromise. I’m with your husband, personally — I couldn’t imagine being limited to living within an hour’s drive of family and friends, just because that’s where I happened to grow up. But I married someone who felt similarly, and we’ve lived in another country (well, several different countries) to most of our families for much of our adult lives, and DS has lived in three countries in his ten years. We will stay where we are till he finishes his schooling now, but I feel sure we’ll move countries again, or at least spend half the year somewhere else when we retire.

Keyansier · 05/11/2022 18:35

Is it that one particular city he wants to move to, or do you think he's having second thoughts about living somewhere rural? (It is my personal idea of hell, so I can sympathise with him, I'd rather live in a warzone than the countryside). If it's the latter, could you live in a busier area which is still 40ish minutes away and closer to your work?

DPotter · 05/11/2022 18:39

We live about 2 hrs away from my family and even further from my DP's. Yes it made some aspects of caring for a small child difficult and she has / had a brilliant relationship with her grandparents / aunts / uncles and cousins. So it's not impossible.

MintJulia · 05/11/2022 18:41

YANBU, people normally live in the city while young adults...lots of social life, career opportunities etc, but once married, established in a career and with children, they move somewhere they can afford more space, a garden and less crime, fewer drugs, cleaner air etc.

I'm the opposite of @Keyansier , I couldn't comprehend going back to a city now, and I don't have family locally or in a city.

Runmybathforme · 05/11/2022 18:46

I completely understand your POV, but are you saying you'll always have to live close to your family ? It's probably not fair on your DH , he's you're family surely ? Your DD can still have a close relationship with your familes .

Original poster
bells2810 · 05/11/2022 18:46

We currently live in the northwest of England and DP wants to move to Glasgow. I have lived in a couple of different cities when I was at university whereas DP never has. I don’t specifically want to live somewhere rural, but the things that we said we wanted in our forever home (more bedrooms, garden, a garage) and places DP had pointed out before are definitely achievable, within sort of 20 miles of where we live now.

I know we could still visit family at weekends etc but it just doesn’t quite sit right with me. When I lived away from home I really missed my family as a support network.

OP posts:
FuckabethFuckor · 05/11/2022 18:50

Oh you shouldn’t have said that, Glasgow is amazing and a fabulous place to bring up kid(s)!

Sorry, Team DH here.

Aisling28 · 05/11/2022 18:53

I think your right and that's as someone who did raise my children a couple of hours away from family. Also as kids get older they have activities and friends at weekends and it will get harder to go home. Having family nearby is convenient for both you and them. Especially when you don't seem to have a big reason for moving like a job.

RandomMess · 05/11/2022 19:03

2 hours on the M6 means overnights- so that's a no from me stick to an hours drive away, easy to visit and have visitors for a day.

NumberTheory · 05/11/2022 19:16

Other than “I want to” does he have any actual case for move that would benefit you or the child? I think that’s a huge switcheroo from your DH at a point when you already have massive changes about to happen. He isn’t unreasonable to want to try it, but that doesn’t make it the right thing to do. Him seeing your lack of agreement with him as being dismissive is massively unreasonable.

Changerofthename1 · 05/11/2022 19:17

Biggest mistake i made was moving away from family, should have stayed in the smaller house, worst area and been close. It ended badly

borderterrierr · 05/11/2022 19:59

Neither of you are Unreasonable but you don't have unilateral decision over this.

Brigante9 · 05/11/2022 20:22

Having family support (if you get on well) is vital, imo. What is his reasoning for moving?

mamabear715 · 05/11/2022 20:23

You'll be home with children, he won't..
Plus, even if he hated growing up in the area, 20 miles is far enough away.

helpfulperson · 05/11/2022 20:34

why does 2 hours on the m6 mean overnights? 4 hours in a day is nothing especially with 2 drivers. And it may not be even that depending on where in northwest england. I do edinburgh to keswick in 2 hours.

RandomMess · 05/11/2022 20:36

@helpfulperson because that stretch of the M6 is f'ing horrendous and the supposed 2 hours is often more like 4!!

Not all families have 2 drivers either.

pewtypie · 05/11/2022 20:57

The person who doesn’t want to move far decides.

He met you here and had a baby with you, he doesn’t get to move you away from your family.

I’d be wary of a man trying to move away from your support network, especially after a baby…

KangarooKenny · 05/11/2022 21:00

If your home is south of Lancaster and you’re heading up to Glasgow, it will be an awful journey. Lancaster is a pain.

NancyJoan · 05/11/2022 21:06

When you go back to work, you’ll only see family and friends at the weekend, whether they are 30mins or 3 hrs away. Why not rent in Glasgow for a year, and see? I’d love to live there, and once children are older they usually city living, not rural life.

Taradiddled · 05/11/2022 21:18

mamabear715 · 05/11/2022 20:23

You'll be home with children, he won't..
Plus, even if he hated growing up in the area, 20 miles is far enough away.

Assuming she’s going to be a SAHP is a bit of a leap, isn’t it?

Sidking · 05/11/2022 21:24

Totally depends how you feel about it, you both have to at least kind of want it. Could you compromise and move between the 2? An hour from Glasgow and your hometown?

We moved 4hrs miles away from everyone we knew almost 5 years ago, before I could drive I couldn't imagine living outside of our hometown, but as soon as I had my licence distance seemed less important, and we had to go where we could afford to live.

I do miss my family, my dad was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year and not being nearby to pop in and see them or be there in person for my mum (who I'm incredibly close to) is hard, and having a baby at the start of covid was difficult; but we love where we live and we wouldn't go back, if anything we want to move further into Wales (I'd love to be in Snowdonia) but we won't simply because of the added travel. We see each other every 6-8 weeks usually (when we lived locally it was weekly), it would be more if fuel hadn't gone up or my dad was up for travelling more

mamabear715 · 05/11/2022 21:24

Maybe so, @Taradiddled .. putting myself in OP's shoes! But we all know it's mainly a mum's task..

BurntOutBusyBee · 05/11/2022 21:25

It would be a no from me. Very important to have family support , especially if you'll be the one taking Mat leave etc

FurAndFeathers · 05/11/2022 21:51

RandomMess · 05/11/2022 20:36

@helpfulperson because that stretch of the M6 is f'ing horrendous and the supposed 2 hours is often more like 4!!

Not all families have 2 drivers either.

The M6 doesn’t even go to Glasgow! Most of the drive would be M74.

if OP is in NW England, 2 hours from Glasgow, she’s not much further South than Carlisle.

the stretch of the M6 that’s goes through north Lancashire and Cumbria is not ‘horrendous’ - I drive it 3-4 times a week from Lancashire to Scotland. Never had an issue. - certainly no need to plan an overnight stop for a 2 hour drive.
South of Preston - that’s horrendous, the Northern bit is fine

However @bells2810 your anxiety about moving away from family at a time when you feel you need additional support us perfectly reasonable. How about suggesting to your DU that you park the issue for a year or two and then reconsider before your DD starts nursery or school? You’ll hopefully feel more confident then.

Also remember Scotland has the offers over system - do you need more cash than when buying in England - a mortgage won’t cover all of it.