Birthday lunch. Should I choose or let my mum choose?

[BabyClubYEEAAH]

It’s my birthday in a few weeks and my mum wants to take me out for lunch. However, I’m already dreading it and feel like I have to choose somewhere she will want to go rather than what I want. Almost to the point where I want to say not too bother but she will be very upset.

my mum never had anything nice to say about anything. Ever. She will moan about the food, the decor, the service, literally everything. She will moan if there’s nothing slimming world friendly. She will moan about the price. I’ve listed places to my husband and he says what’s the point in going if I’m not actually going anywhere I want to enjoy on my birthday.

what would you do?

Let her choose! Or suggest something else.

You're doing an awful lot of moaning yourself in that post, OP and being negative about something that hasn't even happened yet. Do you recognise any of her own behaviour in you by any chance?

'Mum, we never like the same restaurants, so I'd hate you to waste money on somewhere only one of us will like.

How about we go to theatre/museum/opera/musical/crazy golf together then grab afternoon tea/a burger/tapas/cocktails?'

Just shift the focus from dinner.

Some people think that the gift is a reflection of the giver, some of the recipient.

My mum complains and judges if anyone gives anyone in the extended family (not just her) presents that "could be from anyone", whereas I judge (if I'm honest) people who give gifts because of what they think it says about them as a giver rather than thinking about the recipient primarily. Obviously presents brought home from a trip are different, but birthday presents should IMO be about the recipient not the giver.

It's a bit of a "never the twain shall meet" thing though as people with both opinions think they're definitely right...

I think we must have the same mum 😂

God, that will be a miserable meal worrying about what the hell your mum moans about.

I'd swerve the whole thing, your husband has it nailed.

She would never do any of those things in a million years 😩

I’d let her choose, then you won’t feel responsible.

I always have to just go along with an outing that will keep my difficult parent happy. We don’t get together often, so I figure I can deal with 2 hours every now and then. As long as the outing isn’t actively unpleasant, I just deal with it and then commiserate with my husband.

since it is your birthday, I would suggest shifting the meal to a day that isn’t your actual birthday. That way you won’t feel quite so cheated and she can feel like she is doing her motherly duty of celebrating your.

Do you enjoy spending time with your mum?

If you do, use CorvusPurpureus suggestion to suggest something you are likely to enjoy with her, even if it’s just going to her place.
If you don’t, tell her you’ve already got plans for your birthday and suggest meeting up another day for the meal. Let her choose the restaurant and think of it as doing your duty, not being treated for your birthday.

Your DH is right that there is no point in going out for a meal you won’t enjoy for your birthday.

What else does she like doing? Is there anything you both like doing?

I can manage a few hours with her tops. I’m not fussy and will eat pretty much anywhere so it’s not too much of a problem if she chooses it’s just she will spend the ENTIRE meal moaning about it. What I mean by her choosing is I’ve been trying to think of places she really likes to keep it to a minimum.

Nothing. She does nothing. Her whole life revolves around food.

Ask her to cook for you!

Then I’d have to travel an hour to hers and she wants to come to me so she can go shopping (I live in the city)

Ignore this unsupportive nonsense. My mum is very similar. I usually just let her choose but if I pick then I go knowing that's what she'll be like and I just let it wash over me. As long as she's not complaining to the staff there I can deal with it. I also tend to have a few one liners ready to shut her down when needs be like "but sure isn't it nice to get the time out together " and just move on. She gets the message if I say the same thing 2-3 times and it's made things noticeably better.

She wanted to go to the place where I had my wedding meal but I said no as it’s our first wedding anniversary next month as we wanted to go back there for a special occasion. So I know she’s just going to spend the whole lunch comparing it to the wedding restaurant. Bloody nightmare.

My birthday is the only day I’m free unfortunately!

If the thought of this lunch is so off putting that you spend time posting on MN about it, it’s probably worth putting it off for weeks or months in order to protect your birthday.

But if it really is the only day, I would just say no. You’re clearly really busy and don’t want to be stressed on your birthday/just want some space to yourself really/ actually have a work thing on/etc.