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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse a change in DD contact

23 replies

Rayray4 · 05/11/2022 12:14

I should start off by saying that I have an awful relationship with my DD7's Dad (he's been blocked for a couple of years). He's controlling and I've always felt bullied by him.

He works shifts which change every few months, he just tells me in advance what dates he wants to have her. I've always accommodated this when it comes to contact even though it meant she didn't have a set routine. The shifts would often change at the last minute. DD has always been really unsettled due to this, never knows when she's seeing her Dad (I do have a calendar where I write what days she is seeing her Dad). She also suffers from anxiety which seems to be made worse by this.

Anyhow, I've accommodated his shifts since we split up 5 years ago. A few months ago he was allowed to trial a set shift that meant he was off every weekend. We have been doing every other weekend and one dinner one night a week. My DD has been so much happier with this set routine, she knows when she is seeing her Dad and we are no longer having tears when she leaves me to go to him.

I've been told that come the new year, his shifts are going back to the old pattern. DD is going be so upset (and to be honest, makes life harder for me too as I never know when I have her more than a few weeks in advance). If his shifts do go back to what they were, would I be unreasonable to only offer every other weekend and a dinner once a week? I really don't want to dictate, or stop him from seeing her, but is my DD being much happier with a set routine not more important? Am really unsure what to do for the best.

OP posts:

Hoardasurass · 05/11/2022 12:40

When it comes to contact what is best for the child is supposed to come 1st so the question is what would be better for your dd and how will her dad react ie would he punish her to get to you

Ellmau · 05/11/2022 12:55

But surely that is what you're doing. If he physically can't have her on all 'his' weekends because of work, he won't get to see her at all those weeks, and wouldn't that disrupt the routine anyway?

pastabakeonaplate · 05/11/2022 12:59

If dad can't see her in that pattern with his new shift pattern how would your daughter react. If he's paying maintenance then it's in your best interest to make sure he keeps his job.

PeekAtYou · 05/11/2022 13:02

Every other weekend and a weekday dinner is reasonable and I totally understand how she'd like a routine because my kids were the same. Does he ever take time off over the school holidays ? If he wants extra time, that might be his chance to sync his life to her availability.

Original poster

Rayray4 · 05/11/2022 13:06

He does pay maintenance, although it's the bare minimum (less than CSA rate). He doesn't contribute towards anything else whatsoever.

It's always been a struggle to get DD to go to his but I've always encouraged their relationship. This new routine I've seen a change in her and she always seems happy to go, no tears.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rayray4 · 05/11/2022 13:11

Oh and yes he does have annual leave but he uses it on himself normally, not DD.

OP posts:

MuggleMe · 05/11/2022 13:32

Why on earth are you accepting less than CSA rate for your daughter?

I think you aim for keeping the pattern, and if on occasion you're willing to be flexible than great. Perhaps this will encourage him to swap shifts to suit DD rather than going with the flow.

Original poster

Rayray4 · 05/11/2022 13:33

@MuggleMe Because he threatened to take me to court for 50/50 otherwise

OP posts:

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 05/11/2022 13:46

What's best for the child is much more important than what suits the adults. But why are his shifts going back to the chaotic pattern? It's been so much better for his daughter's wellbeing so if he's a decent dad he should be fighting to stay with that. But I recognise sometimes that isn't a fight that can be won.

If he can't stay on set shifts I would suggest that you have a set pattern that is slightly more days than you'd expect him to actually have, because some will be missed, and then on those days if he is available he has DD and if he isn't she stays with you. On your days she is guaranteed to be with you so you can make long term plans and book things in. It's still not 100% predictable but there is a little more stability. Might

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 05/11/2022 13:47

Rayray4 · 05/11/2022 13:33

@MuggleMe Because he threatened to take me to court for 50/50 otherwise

He clearly wouldn't be awarded 50:50 as it's incompatible with his work and wouldn't be in the child's best interests.

Original poster

Rayray4 · 05/11/2022 13:49

@FaazoHuyzeoSix He said his family would help have her if he got 50/50.

Apparently the shifts are changing back because the current ones don't suit business needs.

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 05/11/2022 14:31

Well devil's advocate - he cant help shifts if business changes them. You can help dd by having a colour coded calendar on the wall showing her what the plan is for the week and talking her through it.

I think there needs to be some flexibility. It does remind me of a friend who's ex had always worked away 2 weeks then week home before they got together then when they split she demanded even other weekend and one night a week which couldn't happen with his work pattern.

Original poster

Rayray4 · 05/11/2022 14:37

@Hankunamatata I've always had a calendar for DD and it doesn't help at all!

OP posts:

pastabakeonaplate · 05/11/2022 14:52

Rayray4 · 05/11/2022 13:06

He does pay maintenance, although it's the bare minimum (less than CSA rate). He doesn't contribute towards anything else whatsoever.

It's always been a struggle to get DD to go to his but I've always encouraged their relationship. This new routine I've seen a change in her and she always seems happy to go, no tears.

Well that's shit then. Put a claim in.

pastabakeonaplate · 05/11/2022 14:55

Hankunamatata · 05/11/2022 14:31

Yes I agree. If he was in this job or type of job when you met him its a bit off to suddenly demand certain contact.

PeekAtYou · 05/11/2022 14:56

50/50 would require him to stick to a routine so dd wins in this scenario too.

Is he likely to pay for mediation and a Child
Arrangement Order?

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 05/11/2022 15:07

Contact is supposed to be in best interests of the child. That’s what my DH and his ex wife were always told. My DH and I work around his contact days as do his ex and her DH. DH has turned down a job in the past that would have meant a bit more money but time away from home/his DD. Your ex needs to prioritise a routine for his daughter in my opinion.

Original poster

Rayray4 · 05/11/2022 15:10

@PeekAtYou We tried mediation a few years back and he deducted the cost of his session from that month's maintenance (so I got none!). Am therefore a little wary of going down that route again.

OP posts:

MyGrandmaLizzie · 05/11/2022 15:16

Rayray4 · 05/11/2022 15:10

@PeekAtYou We tried mediation a few years back and he deducted the cost of his session from that month's maintenance (so I got none!). Am therefore a little wary of going down that route again.

What an appalling man he is.

smileandsing · 05/11/2022 15:44

As someone who works shifts and isn't able to change the pattern to fit into a regular weekly schedule I would say you're being unreasonable to demand he does so. However he has to do what he can to maintain contact with his DD. Has he put in a flexible working request to accommodate when he is currently seeing DD? If so and it's been refused then there's not a lot he can do, save for leaving his job (which is ridiculous before anyone suggests it). If he hasn't then he should do so, he shouldn't assume they will say no, particularly if he's flexible outside of the times he has DD. Worst case scenario and he has to work the pattern he did previously then make a plan for his time with DD and insist that it doesn't get changed at the last minute. That is not an unreasonable expectation.

Both of you need to remember that you have to do what is best for DD, not what you think should happen. It is not in her interests to go to her Dads when he's not even there.

RandomMess · 05/11/2022 15:55

If he takes you to court for 50:50 you can ask for "first refusal" as part of the CAO meaning that if he isn't personally looking after DD then he has to offer you to have her instead of use any sort of childcare including friends or family. So that's a hollow threat.

I think it's ok for you to insist on some days remaining static such as term time she has every Friday night and Saturday until say 6pm with you to give her stability. Same that certain week nights are "yours" perhaps so she can do hobbies/activities?

It's also reasonable to find out how far in advance he gets his shift pattern and that it is shared with you and DD immediately and contact is arranged then for her benefit.

With him working shifts you do need to offer more flexibility with contact than you would otherwise.

MolliciousIntent · 05/11/2022 15:58

If those are the shifts his employer demands, what do you actually expect him to do about it? Stop work and go on benefits? You'll get nothing then.

You say if you go through CMS he'll take you to court for 50/50? That would give your daughter the solid routine she craves, surely? Maybe you should offer that to him pre-emptively as it might well be a good solution to her current upheaval.

ElsieMc · 05/11/2022 16:30

@MolliciousIntent Well, op is certainly not getting much now is she? A solid routine a child craves is a good balance for her, moving between two homes on a 50-50 basis is unsettling with a feeling of lack of permanance at each address. Would op's dd actually want this and would she be happy?

A father who does not want to pay any more than bare minimum and keeps his holidays for himself shows selfishness. I honestly don't think he would want her 50-50 because he will be left sorting out childcare as his shifts change. He is still trying to control you with threats of court and keeping you short of money for your dd.

My gs lives with me and it was always my fear his dad would apply for 50-50 but I soon realised he wanted the occasional weekend and did not want the everyday drudgery of childcare. I also struggled to get any CMS payments which I believe to be neglect - I would pick up the pieces for his son.

Gs hated enforced weekend contact and once he got to 16, absolutely refused to go again. Courts think a one size fits all approach benefits a child, whereas the truth is miserable enforced contact does more harm than good in the long term. My gs should know, he says it blighted his childhood.

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