To feel a bit used by friend now she’s with someone new

[Hubbabubbaboo]

Probably really minor and fully prepared to me told IABU but wanted to get others thoughts!

My closest friend (30s) and her partner broke up around 8 months ago. When she was with her partner we’d message through the day all the time, and were always in touch. Since the breakup this has been upped a notch, and she’ll message me all the time, send voice notes etc. this isn’t a problem at all, it doesn’t take long to reply to a message and obviously I like speaking to her!

The problem is that she’s been seeing/dating (don’t know what it’s called these days!) someone recently, and whenever she’s with him I don’t hear a peep out of her. I know how this probably sounds, and it’s absolutely not a jealousy thing! It’s more a case of me feeling used.
For example, I could be working, or travelling across the country for work and feeling really stressed out - she’d send me a message, I’d say how busy/stressed I am, and she’d proceed to send me back to back messages anyway (I’m talking 10/15 messages).

It seems that my time and feelings don’t matter if she wants to talk, but when she’s with the new man i get crickets from her. It’s getting to the point where I won’t hear from her all day and night, then the next day she’ll go back to normal with the constant messaging because he’s not there.
I’ve talked to my DH about this and he said that it’s normal for people to act like this in a new relationship type thing, and I’m being a bit too sensitive!
What do you think? Should I just drop it and speak when she wants to speak?

If I were you I’d be glad of the break - that level of contact from anyone would drive me mad.

In any case, if she is actually in a room with someone else who has come to see her it would be rude and weird to carry on messaging you during that time. Similarly though, if you are busy with something else and don’t have time to chat then you don’t have to!

Back off. She's diverted her attention to her new man. It's normal to need intense support during personal trauma but to need far less when things settle down.

It's rude for her to be messaging someone whilst she is with them. How would you feel if you met up with her and she was constantly on her phone replying to other people?

Thanks all, I will definitely back off and leave her to it!

to answer @MardyBumm yes she does reply to others when we’re together, granted she’s not glued to her phone but she will be messaging away while we’re chatting.

I think what’s bothering me is that she doesn’t seem to care if I’m busy, such as working, visiting other friends or family. I’ll tell her that I’m with family so will chat later, but I’ll still get a bunch of messages and voice notes asking me questions or talking about something that’s just happened.

I just think that if she feels she can’t message me when she’s with this man as it’d be rude, surely she should extend the same courtesy when I’m with others? And I know I don’t have to reply (and I don’t if I can’t) but the messages I get are constant! One after the other, 3 minute long voice notes etc. very distracting hearing my phone buzz constantly!

I think what’s bothering me is that she doesn’t seem to care if I’m busy, such as working, visiting other friends or family. I’ll tell her that I’m with family so will chat later, but I’ll still get a bunch of messages and voice notes asking me questions or talking about something that’s just happened.

But yet

she’ll message me all the time, send voice notes etc. this isn’t a problem at all, it doesn’t take long to reply to a message and obviously I like speaking to her!

Which is it?

FYI this is why I never reply to people's messages straight away. Unless it's very, very urgent, they can wait an hour or so if I don't feel like talking to them.

I think what’s bothering me is that she doesn’t seem to care if I’m busy, such as working, visiting other friends or family. I’ll tell her that I’m with family so will chat later, but I’ll still get a bunch of messages and voice notes asking me questions or talking about something that’s just happened.

But yet

she’ll message me all the time, send voice notes etc. this isn’t a problem at all, it doesn’t take long to reply to a message and obviously I like speaking to her!

Which is it?

its both! I don’t mind replying to her straight away when I’m not up to my eyeballs in work, in a meeting, or visiting my mum - I think that’s fair enough? If I’m at home watching tv etc and she messages me then of course I’ll reply.

My point is that I will chat to her the majority of the time unless I can’t (I don’t think my team would appreciate me pulling my phone out during a meeting), however when she’s with the new man for a whole day and night I won’t hear from her. She’s happy to not respect my time and plans, but expects it for hers.

I get it OP. It's the double standards that are getting to you, and that's rude and self absorbed of her.

If I were you I'd take some time to review the pattern in a wider context. Was she the same when she was with her previous partner, so is this a regular thing that you've only noticed now it's ramped up? How was she after the split and before she got together with new man? Whatever situation she was in during those two times, you still had your own life, you still had work and meetings and family. Did she respect your time and life then, or was she equally demanding?

I wonder if the friendship has always tended to go one way when you look back at it.

OP, mute her.

You have poor boundaries.

Just because she texts a lot doesn't mean you have to reply instantly.

Stop replying until it suits you to do so.

If you mute her you can choose a time to give her multiple messages attention when it suits YOU.

It all sounds very intense.