Partners working hours

[Moonswing]

For background, my partner works very long hours and also works away 1 or 2+ nights a week. As a result, childcare/school drops/extra curricular stuff/homework/housework etc is left entirely up to me from Sunday bedtime til Friday PM. I work part time and luckily I am very fortunate to have a job that allows me to work from home & to work around school hours for the most part, so this isn't really an issue, though at times of course can get a little overwhelming/stressful, especially when the kids are missing their dad and I'm the one that has to deal with the fall out from this. When he is home, he is an amazing dad, he is very attentive with them, though often when it comes to quality time with me by the end of the day, he is tired (which is to be expected with how hard he works) but can be frustrating for me, despite me understanding why. When he finishes work on a Friday he has got into a habit of going for dinner & a few drinks with his mates. I've mentioned a few times that if he finishes early, instead of going to the pub, it would be nice if he could pick the kids up from school as they've missed him, or even if he can try and get back for dinner time to spend some quality time with us, rather than getting back just as the kids are going to bed. He has also started going out more often at weekends, maybe once or twice a month, this will often be day drinking meaning the kids will only see him on Sundays that week. Quality family time is really precious to me and although I'm not the most sociable person myself, I completely understand his need for that down time with his mates, he deserves a little breather, as do we all. However, lately he feels that I am pressuring him to spend more time at home and I will admit I have been feeling quite lonely at times, so perhaps this is coming across without me actually saying anything as such. I don't want him to spend all his spare time with us, but I would like him to spend most of his spare time with us, given that our time together as a family is already limited. AIBU in asking him to try and ease up on the Fridays with mates after work, perhaps doing that once a month and spending the other 3 Fridays with us?

I think it’s fair enough that he does family time on Friday, they are his kids.
Make sure you get kid free time when he’s home too.

Absolutely would not tolerate him going out that often.

I wouldnt tolerate him working away but we're all different so you've already made your compromise

He chose those working hours and having kids so he gives up the Friday and weekend sessions

When do you get a weekly session with your mates plus a monthly one?

You're absolutely right to insist on this - partly so they get some decent time with their dad and partly because you need time off.

I sympathise. My partner works long shifts which includes nights so I do a lot of the childcare and admin, it's exhausting. I work 4 days. He does do pick ups and drop offs whenever he can, but I don't get much child free time as I can never socialise in the evening as he's at work. I find the lack of me time really hard. I'm always either working, looking after children or asleep!

Topgub I'm not exactly a fan of his working hours or his working away, but unfortunately it is part and parcel of his job and I knew this before we chose to have a family. It is very hard at times, but I'm a pretty independent person and just crack on with it & the only compromise I've ever asked him to make with work is that he doesn't work weekends, so that we at least have that family time together on those days. This balance usually works to keep us both happy but his work has become extremely busy lately and it always seems that the harder he is working, the more time he then needs with friends, so only then does the balance go off kilter.

I don't really get much time with my friends, I see them for a good catch up once every 2-3 months & perhaps the odd catch up with kids in tow here and there. I'm not the most sociable of people though I will admit, so this is enough for me personally. I prefer trying to have a little alone time once in a while when I get chance.

I don't think you're helping yourself. When are you socialising? But more importantly, when are you exercising? This needs to be a priority. Not his drinking.

so find a chunk of time when he is home and ensure you use it every single week. Get in the habit.

@Moonswing

So he isn't working weekends but is socialising instead?

And taking advantage of the fact that you apparently don't want to?

That's not ok.

I usually go for a walk on my lunchbreak or do zumba from home when the kids are having their dinner, or do it with them.

I do need to start helping myself more and making sure I take that time to myself every week. I'm my own worst enemy with this, as I really struggle giving myself what I need because I feel guilty and like I should be spending that time with my partner and kids. It's the classic mum guilt I think. I know its only me that can change that though and I am working on this as much as I can.

I think perhaps he is in his own head too much and not actually realising how it is affecting me. Like you say, because I'm not wanting to socialise myself, he is taking the opportunity for himself, without actually thinking about what else I might need instead (ie. him giving me a break from the kids or spending some time as a family together)

YANBU.
My husband is away with work a lot, works crazy hours (and never claims it back), but he rarely spends free time with friends, maybe once every few weeks and it's never the pub or whatever- not that that would be a problem once in a while.
I think you need to stand your ground more with him, he's not pulling his weight.

If I was you I'd be booking a weekend away a month.

Starting from a fri am.

He sees you as default parent and his family as an optional extra.

Fuck that

I think his behaviour is absolutely outrageous!

When he works away he gets his one or two evenings to go out socialising. Weekends should be 100% dedicated to you and his children.

He's taking you for a mug. Do not stand for it, OP.

I do longish hrs, but we spend most of our time together. Who meets friends every week, how do people find the time or indeed the energy? I do think in this case he's prioritizing his own downtime above his relationship. I have to admit I find relationships like this pointless. The op prioritizing her downtime too means they'll grow further part. I don't think he'll have an epiphany and think oh where's my wife gone?
Quite the opposite. Shitshow tbh.

You've all made some really good points and made me realise I'm not being unreasonable. I will definitely be addressing this with him properly and it's absoloutely something i'm not going to continue to deal with. He is usually a very considerate partner and we have always managed to work through our issues well in the past so I think it's mostly a case of sheer exhaustion on both parts and him not handling it the way he has in the past and the way he probably should. His priorities clearly need to alter in order to compromise with me. I asked this AIBU to ensure I wasn't the one in the wrong as I was starting to question whether I was being needy or perhaps just not seeing it from his perspective. At times I am my own worst enemy and have a history of giving everyone around me too much and expecting nothing in return, so this is something I should and will be continuing to work on.