Would this concern you?

[skyrus1]

Looking for an unbiased opinion.

DS is 17 and has ASD, emotionally he's about 12-14. He's been in a relationship with a boy (18) since earlier this year and I'm concerned. They've already broken up once due to bf cheating.
My concerns are:

1. BF buys DS alcohol regularly, I don't mind him drinking a little at home but he drinks out and about with BF and I don't want him encouraging it as he is vulnerable. I've spoken to BF and he says DS asks and he wouldn't let DS be in any danger. Just so I'm unbiased I will add BF does bring DS home when drunk and make sure he's safe.

2.DS doesn't seem to listen to us anymore, it's all about BF, for example I ask him to tidy his room and his response is ‘Ben(not his real name)says I wouldn't need to tidy if I lived with him’ etc.

3.Sex, I don't think DS is mature enough for sex but I can't stop him. I have been reminding him about condoms and consent etc but whenever I mention condoms his reply is “Ben says we don't need to use them” and seems to get frustrated at me mentioning them

Am I right to be concerned or overreacting? I don't know what to do (if anything!)

1. I would be telling Ben myself about the risks no way would I let that one slide!

1. Long as Ben brings him home safely I wouldn't mind at 17. Long as he's not getting to the point of being unable to stand up and walk from being drunk.

1. That's just a typical teen thing to say.no 17 year old likes cleaning their room.

Yes because from what you describe he seems heavily influenced by his bf.

I would remind Ben it is illegal to supply alcohol to anyone under 18...

Yes I would be concerned based on what you've said about your sons emotional age, he sounds vulnerable. It's very tricky due to his physical age. I guess you don't want Ben to manipulate your son so that he no longer talks/listens to you/moves out. I don't really have much advice unfortunately but does he have any support from teachers/outside agencies that you might be able to seek guidance from.

I'm mainly concerned as he does seem to be influencing DS, the not tidying his room was just an example but whenever I ask him to do anything else/ask him not to do something, I get the ‘Ben says...’

I also don't believe DS would ask him to buy it, as he isn't that bothered about drinking at home although we do let him occasionally.

BF also seems very touchy, he comes over here for dinner and they normally sit in the living room, and he always seems to have his arm around DS or holding his hand. There was one occasion not too long ago, bf was holding his hand, DS didn't want him to at the time so told him to stop touching him and he listened, I then left the room and when I went back about 10 minutes later, bf was holding his hand again.

Ben has already cheated and likes barebacking. If your son contracts chlamydia or any other std, I would be heartbroken. Whilst hiv is manageable, unless Ben is using PrEp when he cheats, your son might be at risk of having to take antiretrovirals for the rest of his life. U=U but Ben's stance on condoms would scare the hell out of me.

Did you make a similar post last week or so?

That's what I'm worried about, also the fact Ben has shown that he doesn't respect BF as he's already cheated but DS won't listen to me about condoms, because of how influenced he is by Ben whether ben has done it on purpose or not, I don't know but I am still worried.

www.nathanieljhall.co.uk/shop

Does he read? Nathaniel Hall got hiv first time he had sex in 2004, wrote a play about it. It's a sin covers how it was back in the day, before hiv became a manageable virus. RuPaul's drag race had Cheddar talk about PrEp last week.
But none of this confronts the fact that there are still stds out there and having to take meds every day isn't fun.
I tell all mine that condoms are still a must, unless they are testing regularly.
Syphilis and chlamydia were on the increase last time I looked at stats.
Riskiest behaviour is being a bottom/bottom and a top.
You can be an ally but still show common sense concern without being judgy...but as with any partner/any orientation - if your child is so blinded by love they cannot hear any worries without interpreting as a perceived slight or attack on their loved one, then you have to tread carefully. Do they have a sibling or cousin who could approach this?

DS doesn't read unfortunately and he is the eldest sibling and cousin. I don't think he really understands WHY condoms are important, I have tried to explain to him multiple times even before he got into this relationship I'm not sure he gets it which is why I don't think he's mature enough for sex, but I know I can't stop it. I don't let them go to DS’s room together but DS does go to bf’s house and I don't know his mum so I don't know what she allows.

Just to clarify, they have already broken up because of BF's cheating? And he refuses to use condoms? I would be extremely concerned.

Do you have any Sexual Health groups for teenagers in your area? Some do drops in session to collect condoms and to give advice.

Yes, they split up a couple of months ago because BF cheated and DS was quite rightly upset and told him he didn't want to be with him, but after a couple of weeks DS went back to him and BF has said they don't need to use condoms so DS has believed him. I'll look to see if there's any sexual health groups nearby.

I would be doing absolutely everything in my power to disrupt this relationship. And this Ben would be getting the cold shoulder from me too. Who does he think he is?!

Is your DS at school or college, OP? We have quite a few sixth formers with Autism at the school where I work and there is loads of support we can put in place or signpost to around healthy relationships, boundaries, consent, protective behaviours etc. As safeguarding lead if one of our vulnerable 17 year olds was in a relationship that had signs of being controlling and parents were worried I would want to know. We couldn't stop it, of course, but we would see it as our responsibility to at least try to support you as parents to manage the situation and hopefully educate your DS around what a healthy and respectful relationship looks like.

I was thinking of telling DS that Ben isn't allowed to come around but that might push them closer together and to them spending more time at bens where I can't keep an eye on them. DS is at college but I hadn't mentioned it to them as ben doesn't go to his college so I didn't think id be able to do anything, but if they can speak to DS then I will.

I would be doing absolutely everything in my power to disrupt this relationship.

As a parent, I fully understand this pov. But as someone who has worked with vulnerable teenagers for many years I would say you have to be very careful about taking this approach. I have seen it backfire spectacularly on too many occasions. If OP makes it difficult for her DS and Ben to see each other then she could be playing right into Ben's hands. Given that he already such a hold on her DS, who is likely to be highly suggestible due to his Autism, he could use it to drive a wege between them... "See, I told you your Mum doesn't want us to be together because she doesn't want you to be happy, I'm the only one that understands you, it's me and you against the world" etc etc. Given that Ben has already planted the idea of them moving in together ("if you lived with me you wouldn't have to tidy") then this could easily segway into persuading OP's DS into leaving home because "its the only way we can be together".

That's what I'm worried about, I don't think DS would move in with Ben yet as he still lives with his mum so I don't think she'd allow it (I hope not anyway) but I don't know what she is like so I'm not 100% on that. DS has gone out with Ben tonight and I know when they come back DS will ask if Ben can stay as he asks every single time and the answer is also no, he then argues. Ben always seems to be fine with it and just tells DS he'll see him on x day but I obviously don't know what Ben is saying to DS when they're away from me.

Ah, you see, if I know they are having sex then I'd rather they were shagging under my roof rather than outside, in cars or in toilets. I might be tempted to have Ben in my kitchen with a hot chocolate and a chat, even if it is embarrassing, to talk about PrEP and precautions. The one advantage to being gay is no unwanted pregnancies. The downside is the vulnerability to STDs. Have him in your house and try and get to know him. I am aware that neurodiversity often means taking a third off the age for emotional maturity, but Ben may just see a lovely young man one year younger.
Also on the plus side, it is lovely your son has someone. Everyone deserves a rich and fulfilling relationship.

I don't feel comfortable with Ben staying over but maybe I should let him as I don't want DS pushed closer to him. I will try and get to know him. Last night, DS got back and didn't ask if Ben could stay and was very quiet, I managed to get him to tell me that they were with Ben's ‘friends’ and the friends were saying things about DS and telling DS that Ben could do better etc, in all fairness to Ben, DS told me he told them to leave DS alone, that he's happy and they left. So Ben does seem to care about DS, I just have my concerns that I've listed mainly the condom one.

I did try and speak to him about it today again, but he told me to go away and said he's only going to talk about it with Ben, which he has probably told DS to say as DS has never said anything along those lines before.