To find friend quite pushy?

[Freshott]

She’s a good friend with good qualities but I’m noticing these pushy traits with her.

For example, I decided to go with a new hairstyle very opposite to what I had. I found a hairdresser, had a consultation, got the date I wanted, strand test done and paid a deposit.

But friend was insistent that I went to her hairdresser and was messaging me her details. She’s not even a hairdresser that specialises in what I want doing.

Also I’m studying right now and I decided to take an exam last minute (they don’t usually run them during November) and when I told her she was insistent that I cancel it and move it.

I’ve had pushy people before so maybe I’m being too sensitive and she’s not actually being pushy? Aibu?

I find with these people it’s best to tell them nothing. why is she trying to control you ?

Do you normally let her force her opinion on you or is this a new development in your friendship?

We have this in our family with BIL, I’ve taken to saying in response, oh BIL it’s so unlike you to have an opinion 😎

Why not just ignore her or say “thank you for the info but I have already decided to do xyz, but if it doesn’t work out, I’ll give your xyz if needed.

I grew up with pushy parents and often just let them talk and do my own thing. Drove my mum nuts as a child because I was too nonchalant about things to her. I just didn’t see the point of stressing myself out when she is just going to talk at me anyway.

She wants the validation of you using her hairdresser so she can be " right"
Then go "I told you blah blah"
Just be firm and avoid telling her too much in future.

No, like I still went ahead with my hairdresser and doing the exam.

I just find the behaviour odd I guess. Like I don’t get the benefit for her. It doesn’t have any impact on her life if I get my hair done by the same person she uses.

I’ve had pushy people before so maybe I’m being too sensitive and she’s not actually being pushy?

I hope @watchkeys sees this sentence because she is very good at this "am i too sensitive" stuff.

OP - why would the fact that you've encountered pushy types before, make you feel that encountering a new one means that YOU are the one somehow in the wrong?

If I'd been run over by a car several times in my life, & this week had yet another incident of being run over - would you expect me to question whether I am "too sensitive" to cars running into me?

What's bizarre is the level of control she is attempting to assert over you. Usually it's more about "but you MUST come out to the bar with me on a schoolnight, I insist!" or "you MUST swap shifts with me because my time is worth more than your time" kind of manipulations from the pushy. All done in order that they gain at your expense.
But your 'friend's' insistences are weird.

To imagine you 'ought' to change the hairdresser you'd consulted, tested with, & booked - on her say-so is beyond pushy OP. It's getting on for reverse-Single White Female territory. And your exam, & your decision on when to sit it, has fuck-all to do with her! What would she know about your subject, curriculum, & readiness? That one is just as weird, & sounds like sabotage, frankly.

Either cut down on the info you give her as PP suggest - Grey Rock - www.e-counseling.com/articles/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/ - & accept that you cannot have a vibrant, interesting conversation or relationship with this friend because she will latch on to your life & try to turn in into hers. This will be boring for you, & also for her, & you will be able to do the slow fade.
OR - ask her WTF she is playing at.
"Sandra, why are you so set in making me change my mind? I am happy with my decisions, it's bewildering that you put so much energy into telling me they are wrong. What's going on with that?"
& see if she is able to perceive her own actions - & from there, acknowledge that they are out of line & amend them ... or if she just doubles down with bluster & justifications.

TL:DR if she can see, & amend, her bossy ways, hurrah.
If she cannot, & focuses on how you are STILL in the wrong, this time for raising the subject of how she is always in the right ... fade her out of your life, because she will bring nothing but frustration & misery to it.

Yes she sounds like one of those people who thinks everyone should do things her way. Bossy boots.

I find just saying things like "no thanks" works best. You should never try to justify your decision.

In fact, sometimes it gets to the point where you have to say I'm not asking you for your opinion. I don't need you to tell me what to do.

By that point you're ready to bin them anyway so you've nothing to lose.

My DD can get ultra controling when her anxiety is bad. We've learnt to not discuss certain stuff with her and if we are getting decorating etc done, we tell her after it is arranged. The anxiety causes excess worrying, so she worries that things will go wrong for us. Sometimes if you stay on the phone with her, that's when it starts, so we've learnt to cut off calls. She also has ADHD. It doesn't help that she is a manager in social care and has to be in control/take charge for the majority of her waking hours. We have to remind her that she isn't our manager.
It isn't necessarily coming from a bad place, but you don't have to accept it. Just learn how to be assertive and move the conversation on.

Both the hairdresser and the exam would really piss me off. I think next time she starts pushing I would look at her straight in the eye with a slightly confused look and say it is really puzzling you why she is saying to use her hairdresser, move your exam etc when it has no impact on her and when you have everything under control and you are finding it quite odd and a bit disturbing and why on earth is she doing it .

Actually I probably wouldn’t because these days my tolerance for rubbish like this is zero and I probably wouldn’t bother with her as have found life is much better when you cut people like this out of your life and spend time with good friends who don’t do things like this .

Yanbu. Offering a suggestion or information is probably okay, if done politely, but insisting and making demands about minor issues that don't even concern her, that's strange!

Stop telling her things

There’s no such thing as too sensitive. You like what you like, and if that doesn’t include having pushy people as friends that’s fine. Maybe she’s just the wrong type for you. Maybe she thinks she’s being caring or wanting the best for you.

you could have a conversation with her about how you don’t experience it as caring and you experience it as pressure instead, and see if you can ask her to stop and accept that you’ll work out what’s right for you unless you ask for her opinion etc - whatever it is that you’d prefer. But it depends if you think she’d be open to the discussion. Often controlling people aren’t able to cope with a conversation about relationships, and they’re controlling exactly because they find relationships scary.

Btw the alternative would be to accept her as she is, and enjoy the good parts of the relationship and ignore the rest. Depends if you feel you’re strong enough keep verbalising boundaries with her when she pushes things, and whether you have enough of what you need from other relationships in your life. You might find you need to clear the space she takes up to find relationships that give you more of the acceptance/freedom you need. It’s a pretty personal decision!