To try to avoid the neighbours

[Goingforplatinum]

DD2.3 is waking up in the night at aroun 1AM like a child possessed, literally screaming and can't be comforted until I've pinned her down and forced ibuprofen down her throat (think withering around and kicking and hitting me when I go near her) this can last for around 45 mins before she settles again.
I think it's teething as she says her mouth hurts, and her gums are swollen where her last molars should be.
To top it of this then stresses H as he can't comfort her so he starts shouting and swearing at me (telling me it's all my fault and I shouldn't of cuddled her as a baby as modern parenting is stupid and we should go back to the old ways of leaving them to cry 😡)

Now I have lovely neighbours, but my god what must they be thinking. They are a couple that are elderlyish and never had children. I'm mortified and now actively look out my window before making a mad dash to the car.

Should I carry on avoiding them or should I knock and apologise, or wait till I see them in passing?

And no leave H comments as believe me I'm already seriously contemplating that.

You haven’t got a neighbour problem, you’ve got a ‘D’H problem. But you already know that

(hugs)

don’t worry about the neighbours, it never sounds as bad to other people as it does to the parents!

Yep, it’s a DH problem.

Oh I know, I packed him a bag last night and asked him to leave. He wouldn't.
Unfortunately I have no mode of transport so I couldn't go, and didn't want to take DD away from her home when she was already distressed.

I worry the neighbours think DDs reaction is to H shouting but it's not H shouts in relation to DD (not that that makes it better)

I'm just really embarrassed

Jeez, is it useless man week! Another OP with a child for a husband. He needs to get a grip OP but if your neighbours are nice, don't hide. If you see them in passing, mention the little one is having nightmares, so don't worry about the noise if they hear anything, hopefully it'll pass. If your DH happens to be there, you could mention the large child is having tantrums and you're not sure what's causing those.

I don't know how to vote on this. Your neighbours are not your problem. You should be talking your daughter to the GP to find out of it is anything more serious than teething and you should be telling husband to get out of the 17th century. He is the issue here and if you don't want to leave (your choice and everyone is entitled to make bad ones) you do need to tell him how very very wrong he is.

If I were you and was worried about the noise level affecting your neighbours, I’d approach them and just explain the situation .. it would mean a lot to me if I were the neighbour, and I’d very much appreciate it. If they’re not getting woken up or it’s not bothering them, no harm done by having the conversation anyway.

Shame DH isn’t making the situation any easier!

@ChattyPat love it, but your right, it's like having another child.
I'm off to see friends today and will probably stay there for tonight so we can wake my friends neighbours up instead.

Although unfortunately this is like a treat to H as he then gets a whole day and night to himself.

If a man is shouting because of a distressed child then that is no man to be with. What sort of housing and financial situation are you in?

That sort of behaviour will have a hugely negative affect on your child’s development. MN often too readily says LTB but having seen the affect on children and having done some work with DV survivors you need to not be with this man.

Get a stringe and dream feed her the nurifen at 12 noon through the corner of her mouth. It’s not just your DH forcing medicine down her mouth while she’s half asleep is going to traumatise her as well.

@PruSarne, we have just purchased a house together in an area I have nobody. I don't really have family as only child, mum passed away and dad isnt what you would call supportive, as in wouldn't take us in.
I have a career however part time atm, couldn't afford to go FT as would be hardly anything left after child care.

Unfortunately I know first hand the effects of DV has on children as I often saw it from my dad towards my mum. Unfortunately H very much reminds me of my dad, although has never been physically violent.

Is it the flavour she hates? You could try hiding it in a yoghurt before she goes to bed.

Think you may be ok now as the windows are shut and they probably can’t hear!
Our new neighbour has a young child that used to scream for about an hour when going to bed and then at 6am every morning… now the windows are closed we can’t hear them!
My neighbour did see me and apologised and advised that X was going through a difficult stage.
obviously, it wasn’t ideal but my poor neighbour looked so tired and unhappy that I gave her some reassurance and said it’ll pass soon enough! I wasn’t going to add to her feelings of helplessness.
I really appreciated her saying something-
Maybe you could do the same so they know you are acknowledging it and you could say that X is teething etc so they realise it’s not going to go on forever?

@user1471462428 she will have it at any other time without any problem, its just she wakes up so distressed she wont let me near her and the only way to calm her is to ease her pain with medicine.

I think it's teeth as she states her mouth is hurting, gone off some foods and her gums are swollen with a slit in them, however she came in this morning and was telling me about the spider going up her nose when she was in bed, so maybe a nightmare that woke her up, or a spider generally did wake her up.

Re your child, this sounds more like night terrors than teething to me. My DD had no idea what she was doing, nor any control over her actions when she had them. And they tended to happen at the same time every might.

If you are concerned about domestic violence you might want to think more deeply about what you have written about your 2.3 year old daughter. An adult is so much bigger than a child it must be terrifying for her that you are pinning her down. She is clearly trying to stop you pinning her down by kicking and hitting you when you go near.

“I've pinned her down and forced ibuprofen down her throat (think withering around and kicking and hitting me when I go near her) this can last for around 45 mins before she settles again.”

@saraclara that was the other thing I was wondering about, do they happen at this age and do they remember the dreams.
She literally sits up in bed crying out, or stands on her bed in a daze, then when I go in she screams abs screams and if I go near her will crawl across the floor away from me, then if I pick her up she will lash out and hit, kick and scratch me all the time screaming.

Ita not ears as I've had them checked and she's not constipated, no cough or cold

The behaviour you describe is classic night terrors. And yes, my DD was about three.
She had absolutely no memory of them in the morning. They're not like dreams that can be recalled. She used to desperately try to get down the stairs, almost throwing herself. Yet to all intents and purposes she was not actually conscious.

@saraclara she said this morning a spider went up her nose, that's why I wondered if they could remember them. However we live in the country so a spider generally could of run over her nose.

How do you stop them or manage them?? Or is it something they grow out of?

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/sleep-terrors/symptoms-causes/syc-20353524#:~:text=Sleep%20terrors%20are%20episodes%20of,an%20undesired%20occurrence%20during%20sleep.

This was a long time ago, so my memory isn't that clear. But basically I just had to initially hold her to keep her safe, and stroke her, talk calmly or sing to her until it passed. She grew out of them fairly quickly thank goodness.

Is it the same time every night? I agree with other posters, sounds like it could be night terrors

try gently rousing her about 30min before you expect them to happen. You can even try giving her the ibuprofen then. It might just break the cycle

@Goingforplatinum if it is her teeth that is causing this have you tried ambisol liquid it's a local anaesthetic that you dab/rub on their gums with a finger or cotton bud and gives instant relief

Would a night light help her. I used one for one of my kids and hoovered her room before she went to bed to make she no spider there.

It sounds like night terrors, dd had them around that age.

The only thing that worked was rousing her before the time they usually happened to break the sleep cycle.

Also second Anbesol for the gum pain.