Step-Son Abuse thread

[ketchuptomato]

Posting here for traffic. As I really need some help and advice.

My stepson has spent the last year saying he doesn't want to live with his mum. He then lives with us for a few weeks. Decides he misses his mum and returns home. Mum let's him do as he pleases. No matter how hard we try nothing is ever stuck to when it comes to him living here permanently.

1 week ago he come to our house and said he had finally had enough of mum. She tried to fight him, he has bruises, she drinks&takes drugs. Expects him to babysit his brothers (not my partners children) until early hours of the morning. Sometime failing to return home until the next evening. But this is all kept a secret until we find out when he decides to come here again.

However this time the police are involved. The school seem to be very Team Mum as stepson has been expelled due to bad behaviour. However this behaviour reflects what's going on at home. If him and mum have been fighting in a morning he goes to school in a bad mood and erupts etc.

So the police have been to see stepson regarding the allegations & have said they will need to do a social services referral. Which is fine. But what else can we do. Is there a way to stop him returning home or mum forcing him home. She will let him return if he decides to.

It's not a safe environment at all. No food in the cupboards. He owns 2 outfits. Various drug taking and drinking on mums part. Bare minimal necessities are not provided by mum. Its an awful environment. Mum Very violent partner that stops stepson seeing us as and when he pleases. He also has taken drugs but mum didn't give him any punishment.

We honestly have never been in this situation before. We don't want to massively fall out with stepsons mum as we have a civil relationship with her. it will make it harder to keep in contact with stepson. However we don't mind rocking the boat if it means he can stay here full time.

Stepson is very likely to want to return home as soon as mum is nice to him for a few days. What do me and his dad do to make sure his stay here this time is permanent. If he returns home I will feel sick to my stomach.

How old is he?

Sorry should of said in the post. He's 14

Can your other half not go through the courts for full custody? Have you asked your DSS why he wants to return each time?

Unfortunately at the present moment we could not afford to pay for all the court fees. DSS says mum promises no arguments. Takes him on a treat day. Everything is OK for a few days then it all starts again with the issues at home. It's a very vicious circle

Tell social services about what he has told you/injuries you have seen. The more people who report this, the bigger case social services can build against his mum and remove the children from her care. Your step son will then be allowed to live permanently with you and his brothers will be safe

Surely his dad has a duty to report to SS what’s going on at home? I can understand you don’t want to alienate/antagonise her but his wellbeing/safety takes priority.

Expecting him to be the adult and make the decision for his own wellbeing & long term care, though preferable (so that she can’t blame you & cause trouble) is too much to expect of a child still, in a volatile & chaotic environment, who is being emotionally manipulated & subject to neglect & harm.

You may need to report up police too. Just too many cases of poor children coming to harm at the hands of violent, sadistic parents /step-parents.

As his dad your OH needs to step in to protect him.

I wouldn't give a flying fuck at this stage about protecting your relationship with her. Fight for full custody and hopefully the other children will be removed.

You need to report to social services and to the school if you haven't done already. Your stepson needs proper support and protection and it sounds like there are other children involved in this situation too?

I don’t understand why there’s been any hesitation in insisting on full residency with supervised contact only. The court fees are under £250 to apply for a child arrangements order - and given there’s violence, neglect and drug/alcohol abuse with the mum, she’s not going to win or be able to drag things out. He can self-represent in court.

Given the police are involved and he’s already been excluded from school for violence, social services must be involved. Your H doesn’t even need to pay the court fees if the social worker determines that he should live with his dad.

There is no way I can imagine a good father allowing his child to decide that he wants to live in the household you’re describing.

Your husband needs to apply for a court order, they'll agree the days your son visits so the police will be able to be called if it's broken, they cost £232. He needs to notify social services that his child is living in a home without food, where his stepfather doesn't let him visit, and where drugs are present

I don't think he can keep making excuses and allow this boy back into this environment

Your partner needs to exercise his PR and stop the child returning home.
If he goes there, he's brought back.
He explains to his son this is for his safety.

Your partner can't sit around waiting for someone else to do something, this child is his responsibility.

He needs to get a court order. Is there really no way you both can't get the court fees together?

Social services might support this if they open an assessment but honestly, they will be looking to his dad to safeguard this child.

Your partner does need to contact social care and tell them everything.
Don't hold anything back out of loyalty to mum or not to upset the child.

That isn't true about the court fees.
Social services can recommend that the son lives when dad but they can't legally enforce this unless they go to court themselves for an order.

As there is a dad involved, they will look to him to keep the child safe with some support if needed.
They might support dad with an order or legal advice but it's getting more and more difficult due to budget cuts. I've seen it a couple of times.

I think posters don’t have experience with worldly 14year olds.
This kid has seen adults behaving very badly and has been expected to step up and look after a brood of younger siblings for entire days and nights. He’s seen drug taking and tried it himself. He’s seen violence.
It’s all very well saying OP and her DH should lay down the law and insist on full custody - but if a 14 year old with this life experience wants to run off back to his mum’s house he’s just going to get on and do it. Then you have a persistent runaway teen to deal with on top of the problems with his mum and his behavior at school.
OP I think you and your DH need to be the rock of stability for your DSS. Make it clear to him and to social services that he has a home with you and can live with you as much of the week that he wants (ie. up to full time) for as long as he wants. Make it clear you think mum is currently showing some poor behavior that DSS shouldn’t be seeing and experiencing but that you will support safe contact between mum and DSS - which at his age could be things like you all (DSS, his mum plus OP or his dad) meet for a coffee once a week.
If the stepdad is an issue you could sell it to your DSS as ´what if we can help you keep contact with mum but not have to see stepDad?’ Depends a bit on whether mum would cooperate or not - get some advice from SS before proposing anything specific to your DSS.

I’m sorry I don’t have any concrete advice but this is so sad for your SS and his siblings. Please contact Social care for support the family must have a social worker surely ?

@TeaAndJaffacakes you're right in that 14 year olds tend to vote with their feet and will to an extent decide where they want to be.

I think this boy needs to be supported to understand why he's better off at dads at the moment.
It would also be much better if mum could support this and this is where social services might be able to do some work with the young person and mum.

He might benefit from an advocate or a support worker to spend some time with him.

Your DH should be working with SS, to safeguard all of the children. He should be phoning the police when his son is left with the younger children. Based on his violent unpredictability, they will respond. That isn't to demonize him, but to get intervention into the house. Your DH has been negligent in contacting someone earlier. He should have been going into the school and getting pastoral support, if not first tier CP instigated. How much has he told you court fees are?

Show him the article about a teenage boy recently killed by his abusive dm and her dh... Time to get tough. And time for his df to step up big time.

This. Allowing a child to go back to danger is showing him nobody gives a crap.
Your DP should have stepped up a long time ago.