Navigating life as a shy/quiet/introverted person

[Freehotchocolate]

I am all of those things to an extent. I find very outgoing/extroverted/loud people intimidating, even if they are nice to me. I don't know why I just do.
I was in a pub with my partner and a couple of his friends. The friend is quite a bit older and very 'wild'.

I know how you feel. I’m a low energy introvert and find excitable, high-energy extroverts overwhelming (and irritating). It baffles me when people screech with laughter or get super animated over NOTHING.

When I was young, I felt ashamed and apologetic for being this way. Now, I don’t apologise at all. I love peace and quiet, love empty fields and silent woods, love reading and nature and dreaming and living in my head, etc. It’s weird how society favours extroverts and makes introverts feels like the weirdos. Personally, I find people who can’t bear to be alone weird. I just wish I lived in a quieter, emptier world. For people like me, the lack of personal space is awful. I often think that Hell will be a giant commune!

Another thing that irritates me is the way extroverts make introverts feel ‘boring’. In my experience, introverts are often fascinating people, because they read and think things over. But they never get a chance to speak because the extroverts are making too much bloody noise - much of it tedious gibberish.

It sounds as though some people are describing themselves as 'extraverted' as a more favourable term for 'immature loud-mouthed show-offs'! Dancing in someone's face is something you'd expect of an overexcited 5-year-old, not a grown adult. In any case, not everyone is a life-of-the-party type; in fact, most adults, including many extraverted 'people persons' are not.

It’s annoying how often they’re conflated on here. Two completely different things. You won’t necessarily know whether someone is introverted or extroverted if you meet them in company — it’s a matter of how you recharge, not your social self-presentation, talkativeness, drink or drug preferences etc. The single most confident person I know — she owns any room she walks into, and I don’t think has ever suffered a moment’s self-doubt in her life — is an introvert, who needs vast swathes of time entirely alone.

What really gets me is when obviously extroverted people declare they are actually introverted, just to appear cool and deep-thinking. I just want to slap their stupid skull.

But you won’t know from meeting them, unless you know whether they find social occasions enlivening or draining — they might well be the life and soul of the party, but then hide at home solo for a week to recharge.

At lunchtime I like to disappear on my own and recharge.

God yeah. There was a woman at work who insisted on spending every lunch break with me. It really got to me because lunch was the only time I could have to myself. These days it's okay because we do hybrid working and it's once a week, tops.

VeronicaFranklin

Jesus, I’m not surprised that you cried. At least you didn’t have to put up with him for much longer. He sounds like a bully as I’m sure that he knew it would upset you later on.
I’m pleased that you have reflected on that incident and seem like you handle things better as a result x

Im So glad I’m not alone on this!

I used to be so insecure about the fact I was an introvert/shy/quiet. People at school and uni always made comments about it which knocked me so much it gave me even worse social anxiety and I had to get therapy (confidence got so knocked I basically stopped talking)

But I understand you OP - I have a job where I have to take lead/be very confident and I am perfectly capable of doing that - because I’m talking about something I am knowledgable on and good at, not struggling to come up with small talk. Confidence and introvertness/shyness can coexist

I'm a teacher too, and very introverted and kind of socially awkward. Just ignore the idiots and maybe don't hang out with people who are patronising towards you like that. Some people think being introverted is a bad thing, and they are not the people that will make your life better by being in it. The older I've got, the more picky I've become about people I want to invest time and energy in and I'm very happy with who I am. If other people don't want to appreciate you for you, cut them loose.

And to those people who find it odd that introverts are teachers, teaching is very different from socialising at a party or in the pub. I can enjoy all day teaching classes, but avoid 20 minutes in the staff room!

But I understand you OP - I have a job where I have to take lead/be very confident and I am perfectly capable of doing that - because I’m talking about something I am knowledgable on and good at, not struggling to come up with small talk. Confidence and introvertness/shyness can coexist

Exactly! I have a PhD and present at conferences and feel more confident doing that than chatting in a bar. And I'm known as being quite bolshy and pushy when I get cross about something (I will happy argue with strangers out and about for instance if they have annoyed me) but I am definitely very introverted. I think people don't understand introverts actually.

Thank you JoonT, you've put that into words better than i ever could have done.

Watching this thread as my DD is an introvert. Not shy - she will talk to people but she will join in a conversation when she has something useful to say. Rather than just be a gobshite (like me, a massive extrovert). I love her for who she is and I get really angry when people see being quiet as a character flaw. I actually started a thread on this a while ago and said “not every child has to be an ostentatious gobshite” and some people got VERY butthurt over that comment 😂 and the guy in your OP isn’t an extrovert he’s a dickhead

I totally agree with this.You can have an attention to detail which some extroverts totally lack. I'm reserved but have become quite forensic in the way I can highlight issues, errors etc.

Perfectly possible to be a total introvert with a good work “game face”/able to mask when needed.

Not sure why anyone thinks introverts are inherently more interesting than extroverts. Extrovert does not equal “loud person”, and even if it did I have known plenty of interesting loud people, and some incredibly dull quiet people. And vice versa.

Like others I can stand up and do presentations but hate parties or rooms full of people. Conversely I knew someone who always seemed so confident, able to chat with everyone and hugely social and he said he hated public speaking. It made me feel better that even people who seem confident and outgoing aren’t always as you think either.

What a way with words.

You would not have done yourself any favours by talking like that.

Shame if you can't handle a situation without resorting to that.

He's not a twat he sounds like good fun actually.

He obvs has abit of a personality and something about him.
I'd prefer that anyway to some miserable and boring zombie who dosent have any fun about them.
If you can't handle people being outgoing instead of running them down try being more like them.
If you can't handle it not their problem.
I've observed that people who run outgoing and lively people down are abit jealous and wish they could be like that but they can't so they moan.
What do they themselves bring to the party?

A personality? Dancing in someone’s face isn’t a personality. I wonder what you bring to a party if you think that’s the height of wit and fun.

And why on earth would I try being more like someone who is embarrassingly attention seeking and socially incompetent? I think he’s an idiot. Last thing I’d want to do would be dance in someone’s face.

They weren’t ‘butthurt,’ they were just pointing out that it made you sound stupid to say a teacher shouldn’t mention that your child doesn’t participate because it’s better than being an ‘ostentatious gobshite.’

But I agree that the man in the op isn’t extroverted, just a garden dick.

@girlfriend44 your only contribution to this thread has been to tell off multiple posters for swearing. Nothing to help to OP at all.

If you have a problem with swear words, such that you need to follow people around chastising them for using the word “fuck”, MN may not be the most suitable forum for you.