1st Pregnancy - Family Expectations

[user33]

Hi all,

I've recently found out i'm pregnant with my first baby - i'm only 5 weeks in so its early days. I live with my in law (just MIL) and husband. we are from an asian ethnicity group where my MIL was born in Pakistan.

my husband is born and brought up in the UK. We were not going to tell family for a few weeks just as we wanted to make sure we had scans etc done to confirm everything was okay but we ended up telling the MIL yesterday.

Now i dont know if this hormones or expectations but i kinda expected once i told her i was pregnant - some empathy and care to arise towards me from her. Her reaction was very cute but then it kinda went back to the cultural norms of a DIL and whilst she wasn't actively saying make dinner clean up etc she was looking at me funny and was setting off a weird vibe so i naturally got up and did what i needed to (now this wouldn't be a issue but i'm suffering from extreme tiredness and a cold with alot of coughing that i'm trying to get over and she knows this)

Shes a very typical asian MIL with expectations that the daughter in law foots most the work and the son doesnt - although my husband has been trying to break those barriers and helps now with domestic tasks and shes backed off making them an issue.

I'm just feeling super rough right now and I thought there would have been some love shown during this period..i went into work and there isn't much care like she would have for her daughter which i suppose is upsetting me abit. i haven't got any messages of care or asking if im feeling better etc

i kinda feel like i'm alone with this journey from the start. my husband is abit withdrawn right now also and i think hes trying to just digest the change coming, although very happy, hes more involved with his mums happiness than his wifes sickness? i dont feel i'm much of a priority right now for him either.

i suppose what i want to get out of this post is - is my expectations too high thinking once we announced we were pregnant it would be this flood gate of care towards me and the baby and what really matters in the first few weeks of pregnancy? i'm kinda thinking its okay as long as i'm looking after myself to the best way i can then i'm doing this for my baby and thats okay regardless of anyone else looking after me. i'm not usually dependant but since becoming pregnant i kinda realise i am

Kindly, YABU

you're 5 weeks pregnant, you haven’t lost a leg

What do you want from her specially?

I'm afraid that pregnancy does not magically transform anyone into the different people we might have wished they were, so YWBU for expecting that.

@CherylCrows you are being unreasonable. Pregnancy is different for everyone. My morning sickness started at 5 weeks and it was completely debilitating and was signed off sick from work at 6 weeks for a month. Luckily I had no interfering MIL and my DH did all the housework! The first trimester was exhausting.

She just wants a little reassurance and her MIL to ask her how she's feeling. Very normal I would say.

With all kindness, I think YABU. Pregnancy is 40 weeks - I don’t think you can be wrapped in cotton wool and not expected to do any housework for most of a year…

If that was the case for the OP she’d have mentioned it

She wants a floodgate of care opened

unreasonable

You sound like you're being precious, and i suffered worse at the start of my pregnancy than the end (i could stand fine on trains etc most of the time, the real problem was being so bone tired for a few weeks in the first bit - the kind that hits you like a truck and you can barely keep your eyes open if you're having a conversation - bizarre experience).

However, your family setup sounds toxic and like you assumed that it would change if you were pregnant. your DH has been raised in a family where he's a prince and DILs get the shit work, and MILs dictate what happens.

get use to it or get out.

having a baby in this situation is only going to make those little niggles far, far worse.

why are you living with them if you're trying to establish a more modern (equal) dynamic with your DH? it's impossible to set a new tone if you're basically living with people who have different values to your own.

you are shortly going to be very, very vulnerable - emotionally, physically, and financially.

is this what you want your life to look like with a small baby?

Your husband is the one who should be demonstrating care for you. Tell him what you want and need.

Your relationship with MIL sounds pretty poor, are you going to be living together forever? She doesn’t seem to care about you so I wouldn’t have expected that to change because you’ve known you’re pregnant for a week.

Early pregnancy can be tough but it’s your job to look after yourself and your husband to support you. Floods of care are very unrealistic.

Congratulations OP!

You’re in very early stages of pregnancy, you’ve gone early on the Comms!

Not sure your definition of floodgates of care - did you expect family to say ‘here, put your feet up for 9 months’? YABU I’m afraid. You do need to able to ask for help when you need it - as you’re feeling ill or getting too big to carry things etc but otherwise you’ll need to crack on as usual.

Sounds like you need to move out