For being upset for being called out for saying something horrible to someone's face?

[strupel]

That I didn't say?!

A bit of a weird one. Dinner last night with girlfriends who I met on our graduate training programme. For context, this was a highly competitive social environment, lots of drinks and gossiping. I had a shite time because after turning down a male friend, he proceeded to spread all sorts of nasty things about me, all our mutual male friends joined in. I was off for an unrelated illness, and by the time I got back, lots of people, including seniors, believed it.

My girlfriends obviously heard all the nasty things about me. This led to lots of well meaning but upsetting comments like "oh I thought you were such a bitch but then I got to know you".

Last night - we were talking and friend A said made a similar comment to previous, but then added, "especially when you said that nasty thing to me to me".

She claims one of the first times she met me she was upset about a particular aspect of her appearance. Apparently I reassured her, but then went on say a really nasty thing about another aspect of her appearance?! I have no memory of this, but there is absolutely no way I would have said that. She then went on to say how she spoke to another of our friends about it, and he repeated all the nasty things he'd heard about me.

I was pretty upset by this. I would always apologise to someone if they said I'd hurt their feelings but I am adamant I did not say this. Friend A has complained a lot about her appearance in the three yeas I've known her, and I've always given her loads of compliments and reassurance - she's gorgeous and was one of the smartest people on the programme.

I feel rude for not apologising and reassuring her. I feel like a terrible person for insisting a memory she has can't be true - it feels like gaslighting.

FWIW friend B agreed there's no way I would have said that, and gave some suggestions as to how a misinterpretation could have happened.

The male "friends" I told everyone I was a bitch and a nasty manipulator who would play the victim and and gaslight people. Even though I consider these two women close friends, I feel like anything I do now just plays into these stereotypes and I just want to hide from them.

Any wise words?

To add - the male friends would also say I'd said things I'd hadn't, making me feel like I was going mad. This situation has brought this all back and now I'm questioning my own memories :/

I would back away from the whole group, it sounds bloody toxic.

Those guys sound like they deserve a formal complaint made against them that's horrible behaviour and bullying. I'm sorry you went through that op. I probably would have apologised in that your friend clearly has remembered this in a dissent way to you so you could say something along the lines of I have no recollection of saying that but if I did then I'm sorry. We tend to remember the things that hurt us more than the flippant throw away comments we make so there's a chance you did say something and that's how she picked it up? I don't think it's unreasonable to feel defensive about it especially after what you've been through but I think you need to draw a line under the experience if you can because otherwise you'll be tiptoeing around everyone rather than just being yourself.

I think the only mistake you made was in thinking these people were your friends.

Thanks, I wish I had made a complaint but at the time I was struggling with programme director and getting them to take my illness seriously, so didn't want to muddy the water with this too.

so there's a chance you did say something and that's how she picked it up?
I am wondering about this - but am so sure I wouldn't have - it was incredibly rude.

Beyond anything else I was so paranoid and anxious about being percieved badly by people - I'd go to the toilets and hyperventilate about conversations I'd just had and go through them word by word, obsessing about if anything could have been percieved badly. I just don't think I would have made any kind of flippant comment at this time!

How old are you all? This sounds like a pathetic he said she said, over-sensitive bunch of teenagers.
Do your job but steer clear of all of them socially.

Too old for this nonsense honestly. I genuinely did try and rise above it when it happened, but it's so difficult when there's prolific gossip about you that impacts how people percieve you.

I steer clear of everyone directly involved, but I would consider these two women my friends.

You need new friends.

Just reading this stressed me out, you need new friends OP. Sounds like some sort of story life off of a bitchy reality show

Story line*

Have you posted about this previously? I'm sure I've read this exact scenario on here a while ago.

No - definitely not. I might have posted about it when it was happening but that would've been 3-4 years ago.

If this is a graduate programme, do you have a useful mentor/buddy to help you navigate this nonsense?

Agreed, it certainly felt like it. My industry is notorious for this kind of stuff, it is pretty ridiculous when you talk to people outside of it.

Work (and everyone in it) basically becomes your life.

Thanks @Agapornis - so I've completed the programme and went to a different comapany than the one attached to it. My friends (and "friends") are either still training or in the main company.

There is a lot of collaboration which is why I'm still very much involved.

At the time there were people I could talk to, but I was already struggling with my illness and getting that taken seriously, that I didn't bring this up too.

I hate gorgeous looking people who always complain about their looks so you all say how gorgeous they are. You obviously failed in this important task - good for you!

It really is hurtful. Gossip is vicious and nasty and anyone doing it is no friend to you. Especially if that affects your reputation and performance at work.

This happens in my work on nearly every intake including mine.

Try and focus on friends outside of work, otherwise it becomes all-consuming.

This in spades!

OP I'd back away from these people, gently let them fade away. They are not good friends.

Agree!

Thanks - yes it really did.

I was put forward to apply for an external award, part of this involved making a video and circulating it to a team of assesors.

I found out one of my ex-friends was on the panel, and knew he would probably share bits of it with the guy and others and make a joke out of my performance.

It really affected me.

(The video was me doing a presentation - it makes you feel self concious enough recording something like that, let alone when you know it's going to be viewed by people who bullied you)

Ughhh if he does this he is clearly too immature to be evaluating anybody's work.
OP - when you can, look for another job. Being miserable at work is just that - miserable. I have been there, and it made me very ill in the end. I have a job I love now and great friends.