Posting here for traffic, really. This will be long!
So apologies if this is worded poorly, trying to gather my thoughts!
My relationship with my dad has always been kind of distant. I've never felt fully comfortable around him. Not in a physical way (he's never physically harmed me and I don't fear he will) but in an emotional way? I don't feel like I can open up and be myself around him, or show strong emotion around him. I'm on emotional guard, I suppose. I never really understood why until recently, when I've begun to think he may have been and still is emotionally abusive. I'm now in my late 20s and have DC of my own and some of the things I recall him saying and doing I would never dream of doing to my own children.
He was always making 'jokes' at my expense. Jabs about my appearance, weight, personality etc. Often when I was a kid or teen he would grab a roll of fat from my belly, laugh and say 'what is this? You need to stop eating pies!'. Or he'd go the opposite way and say I was too skinny and needed to eat more. Refer to my hair as a rats nest or say I look like a witch (my hair is very thick and curly). Call me 'speccy four eyes'. I had cystic acne as a teen and he would call me 'spotty' as a nickname. If for example a witch or comically ugly woman appeared on TV he would laugh and say 'Hey, that's Bonatos!'. I remember one incident distinctly. I was around 10/11 and tried to apply makeup for the first time. I ran to show my parents and my dad laughed and said 'Jesus, you look like a man in drag!'. I'm sure I DID look awful but surely you would smile and say your child looked lovely and then cringe when they weren't looking? Even years later that still hurts. He doesn't do it so much now I'm an adult (and am better able to stand up for myself!) but recently, after having my 2nd baby, he commented on the size of my 'pot' (belly) and breasts (🤢🤢). One time I told him I wanted to be a midwife and he laughed, incredulous, and said 'You? A midwife?'. Still not entirely sure what he meant by that.
If I got upset at his 'jokes' he would either laugh and say he was just joking, or get angry and say I needed to stop being so bloody sensitive. If I cried he would tell me to stop or call me a baby. Even now I hardly ever cry because I feel ashamed and embarrassed if I do.
I do understand having banter and jokes with your children, but when it's constant and upsets them surely it's gone beyond a joke?
He would also say some pretty horrible things out of anger, looking back. I remember one time when I was around 13 I missed the school bus home and had to call him to pick me up. I appreciate it's annoying and he'd be irritated, but he said 'Oh FFS, I really fucking hate you sometimes'. Another time I refused to wear my glasses to school because I was being bullied for wearing them, and he said he 'didn't care' I was being bullied. Another time he said 'if you were a boy I'd have battered the shit out of you' (I can't remember what I'd actually done, I was about 14 then). Again I understand losing your rag and saying things you might regret, but these seem a little more than that.
It has gotten better now I'm an adult but even now he will sometimes take a jab at my weight, or my hair, or some other aspect of my appearance. All in the guise of 'joking'. If I mention a struggle I'm having such as mental health, or money etc he always has to one up it and lament how he has it so much worse, how I need to toughen up. I always find conversations with him emotionally exhausting.
Now I know this all sounds terrible written down, but he did and does have times where he is funny and warm and giving. He tells me he loves me and I know he does. And I love him. He does suffer from severe depression and has done most of his adult life, and he also did not have the best upbringing himself. His own dad was a violent alcoholic. I don't think he's a bad person, just misguided? I don't know, I feel so conflicted. I feel guilty for even writing this down but part of me keeps saying that the way he treated me as a child wasn't right and shouldn't be excused. I suffer from low self esteem, anxiety, and depression and wonder if some of it is linked to my childhood? I have a great life now but still struggle to show emotion and let people in. If I mention any of the incidents from my childhood now he will tell me it didn't happen or I'm remembering it wrong. Or that I'm too sensitive and he was only joking. I grew up thinking I really was just this boring person who couldn't take a joke.
As for my mum, she would sometimes stand up for me but then tell me 'you know what he's like', 'you wind him up' etc. I don't really talk to either of them very often, maybe once every few weeks?
I don't know. I feel so conflicted. Was I really suffering emotional abuse or am I really just too sensitive?