To ask how to stop the guilt?

[ElephantHouse]

Hi all,

Posting for traffic and possiblysome hard truths here :-

I've NC but you may recognise some details

I feel so guilty that my children got two different mums when they were born so basically I have an almost two year old and a week old:-

When I was 36 weeks pregnant with my first my father became very poorly and was in and out of hospital for weeks well a couple of months actually so I was visiting him which meant I had to leave my new born with my in laws or his dad which I didn't want to do but had no choice, my dad then died when my little boy was 5 weeks old and I didn't handle it very well, I became severely depressed, couldn't get out of bed, had to rely on other people to look after him and actually I made an attempt on my own life so had to spend some time ( a couple of weeks) away from him but all the mental health professionals like the peri natal team etc was happy with our bond and said he was securely attached and he was okay despite everything that went on.

But there was times we needed to take him to the hospital (luckily nothing serious) but I couldn't go as it was the same hospital as where my dad died and I couldn't be there for him.

I started to feel better and recover and then when my son was 16 months old I found out I was pregnant again (16 weeks, thought my period stopped because of all the stress) during my pregnancy and stuff I got a lot better, felt better and really started to recover.

My daughters a week old now and I'm such a better mum, I haven't left her side, I feed her and I'm just there if that makes sense I guess like a normal mum should be.

But I feel this immense amount of guilt because my little boy will never be a baby again and I'll never ever get that time back and because I'm a better mother to my daughter I feel like I'm replacing him or love her more when that's not true at all, I love him with all of my heart and I like to think I'm a good mum to him now but I just cannot forgive myself.

I guess I'm just putting it here as I have no one to speak to as I don't want DH or family to think I'm getting unwell again or anything - I just feel a bit shit and don't know how to shift my mindset.

Thank you for reading.

I’m not the best person to advise you but I am sending much love to you.
You were ill. That’s what happened. You were ill and needed help looking after him. Your dear Dad died and you were grieving. I’m sure many women would find it hard looking after a newborn when dealing with bereavement. You have come through it and can now look after both your little ones. I’m sure you’re doing a great job and he knows how much he is loved. Lots of us have regrets that we could have done things better first time round, but tell yourself how well you are doing when you see him happy and well. Give him a kiss and a cuddle and feel that connection that you have with him - and know that it is a good one and you are a good mum.
💐

Don’t beat yourself up any more over this - you were ill and you did your best at that time. Focus on spending this time and love on your bond with your son now - you wallowing in what might have been won’t change the past and will only rob both of you of more previous time together. Babies are very very resilient. Enjoy it now with your children. Forget what happened and realise the truth here - the truth is you were ill and you got help; and then you’ve been building a strong loving family with your babies. That’s a wonderful truth and makes you a great mother. Hug them close today and forget the darker past; you’re through it now and you’ve got lots of lovely time to enjoy them Xxx

If the problem was that you were physically compromised somehow - like you had a c-section that resulted in complications and a long hospital stay where others had to step in to support you - would you feel as guilty? I dare say you wouldn't. You didn't have a choice. You were unwell, because you are a human being and were experiencing one of the most overwhelming kinds of grief in life - the loss of a parent. It was just awful timing for you. And your son is still only a toddler, you haven't lost these formative years with him!
Another tactic that helps with guilt is to ask yourself what advice you'd give a good friend who shared these same feelings with you? Write your advice to that friend down. Then show that same kindness to yourself.

I would recommend seeking help from the perinatal MH team again, this time to process your feelings of guilt.

you were unwell and grieving, you did your best, you love your son and he is and was well looked after.

best of luck

Would it help to think of yourself as one mum, a mum who was struggling but is in a better place now? Your son is securely attached and that’s a great credit to you.
Grieving is a natural process, born out of love. It’s something everyone will experience at some time, sadly. For your son, that - and the effect on you - happened early in his life but you did the best you could and have a lovely bond to see you through as he grows up.
Be gentle on yourself. You’ll all benefit from you being kind to yourself.

Oh op

Be kind to yourself.

You did the best you could under terrible circumstances. You could have died- you got better and your son has a mum because of it. You did the right thing to focus on your recovery.

He won't remember it. And because you took your health seriously, he has a wonderful mum and baby sister now. He is a very lucky boy.

This is exactly what I was going to say. You worked hard to heal for him, you clearly adore him, he won't remember those early days (and even if he did you clearly loved him very much as a baby too)
Try to talk to yourself with the kindness you would offer to others x

Thank you everyone

I don't know if I'm being too hard on myself but you're right I have the rest of my life to make it up to him x

Usually I find this is a good way to tell if you're being too hard on yourself, if I had written the OP instead of you - would you be writing to me the things you're saying to yourself inside your head?

I understand OP. I didn't go through anything remotely as traumatic as you did losing your dad. I did suffer with PND and bad anxiety after having DS1 and an awful birth. I didn't really feel a competent parent until he was 18 months old and I was pregnant with DS2. I still feel guilty about it now and DS1 is 9YO.

Having DS2 really helped me to heal, and it helped strengthen my relationship with DS1. I was able to spend my mat leave on lots of lovely days out with both DC. I have so many happy memories and look back so fondly on those days. Even though it was hard with a newborn and a toddler. I then worked part time evenings until DS2 was 3YO and in nursery. So I was able to be home with the kids in the day. We have a great bond even now.

Your eldest won't remember the baby days. They will hopefully remember some of the toddler days. I hope you enjoy the time you have off with both your kids.

I just want to give you the biggest hug. Please don’t be so hard on yourself, you have always done your best, and your son and daughter get the best of you now, that is enough. You were ill, please give yourself some grace.