Ok this is hard for me to write.
My daughter is nearly 5. We moved out of my ex & his mums place when she was 5 months old. He was abusive (all bar physical)
He also decided to start doing drugs at night after I went to bed.
I've tried so hard over the years to the point it broke me. I moved away, started a new life with our child, who still had contact with him up until recently. He got so bad with drugs & harassing me I blocked him & stopped contact with our daughter. He got lazy seeing her, would rather go out & party. He kept letting her down.
I have moments where I feel deep deep sadness, like it actually hurts if I think about it all too much. I imagine silly scenarios like going to see the fireworks together or having a day at the beach, normal things we can never do because he would always ruin them.
Anyway, my question is where do I go from here? His mum text me saying he's crying every night while looking at pictures of our daughter.
He has proven himself over and over again to be unreliable & untrustworthy. He puts his needs first always, he chooses drugs over his family. We could have had a great life together, when it was good it was amazing, I've never ever in my life felt a connection like it.
He's chosen his way, I cannot stand by & condone his behaviour any longer. I can't even have contact with him because it turns into harassment, I wake up to 30 texts & missed calls sometimes (not even joking). He ended up in hospital a few weeks ago, I don't know if he was trying to end his life or not.
I don't want our daughter going to his house, they can't even talk on the phone because it would give him an opportunity to speak to me which I can't allow.
I have tried everything, I've even attended days out and visits to make sure it runs smoothly. I've tried giving it another go because he said he needs me to get better.
Deep down I love this man, but he's destroying me.
Life in general is brilliant, I have a good job, a lovely new house, daughter goes to an excellent school. I'm getting to know new people. It's just this one thing that hangs over me, especially at night when I can finally sit down & think. Why am I craving him? He's a nasty toxic person, and I know this. It's like my mind has two opposing views & it's exhausting.