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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder how we can stop abuse cases like this happening

41 replies

stripyspider · 03/11/2022 19:30

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-11386701/Mother-bodybuilder-partner-jailed-39-years-murder-15-year-old-son.html

Sorry, it's a very, very upsetting link, (probably the most upsetting thing I've read in a while).

But simply, how do we stop such awful cases ?

As an aside, the fact the "mother," and "stepfather" have been allowed to marry after being convicted of this is just disgusting.

OP posts:
DazzleRazzles · 03/11/2022 20:37

This case is slightly different to other recent abuse cases in that it would be nearly impossible to prevent.

He kept marks etc. hidden, didn’t display any signs of being abused when at school, had limited English so was unable to speak out (and that’s if he wanted to or felt able to)

Unfortunately we will never stop people abusing their kids, the mindset behind it is still not fully understood from a forensic psychology POV either (unlike most other crimes against children)

Sarahcoggles · 03/11/2022 20:39

It's easy to see how these cases don't get reported. You just have to read a standard MN thread in which someone is upset by seeing a parent yell at a child, or be short tempered, or be drunk at school pick up, or leave their child home alone etc - everyone piles in saying it's none of your business, don't be so judgy, maybe the parent has mental health problems, you don't know what's going on in their lives, and so on.

Until we accept, as a society, that abusing vulnerable people is EVERYONE'S business, this kind of thing will keep on happening.

The "keep your nose out, it's none of your business" brigade have blood on their hands.

Kanfuzed123 · 03/11/2022 20:39

My 2 cents is we can listen to children when they come forward and act. I think there is a mentality to ‘not get involved’ out of fear of repercussions or messiness or actually that the authorities wont actually do anything so why bother. That has to stop.

another thing is to shake up the stereotype of the ‘abused child’, the nspcc adverts whilst great at raising awareness all centred on small children, which I think creates a perception that teens cant be victims of abuse or that its somehow deserved or less severe. I imagine its that teenagers dont make very ‘good victims’, you know they’re moody, talk back, have more ‘challenging behaviour’, so be other adults in charge of safe guarding it gets missed.

to speak from personal experience, my mother abused me (physically, mentally and emotionally) as a teen, and after years, I broke down and told a friends parents, they did nothing. A friend’s parent (a GP no less) heard me getting dragged down a flight of stairs by my hair, did nothing. I told my head of year in school, did nothing. Drama teacher saw the abuse, did nothing. I even told the police, and you guessed it they Did nothing, even though I begged to be taken into foster care. In fact, aside from the parents who always gave my mother a wide berth and no longer let me go to their houses, everyone else sided with my mother and assumed I must of had it coming. In my experience, teens are easy to dismiss or its easy to ignore signs of danger

BobbysGirly · 03/11/2022 20:44

Sarahcoggles · 03/11/2022 20:39

It's easy to see how these cases don't get reported. You just have to read a standard MN thread in which someone is upset by seeing a parent yell at a child, or be short tempered, or be drunk at school pick up, or leave their child home alone etc - everyone piles in saying it's none of your business, don't be so judgy, maybe the parent has mental health problems, you don't know what's going on in their lives, and so on.

Until we accept, as a society, that abusing vulnerable people is EVERYONE'S business, this kind of thing will keep on happening.

The "keep your nose out, it's none of your business" brigade have blood on their hands.

I couldn’t agree more. Child abuse is everyone’s business.

Greenshake · 03/11/2022 20:45

@Sarahcoggles you are so right. I have been on posts on here before and mentioned that I have intervened when I saw a parent hitting a child and I got roasted for it by some posters. People SHOULD be stepping in.

DazzleRazzles · 03/11/2022 20:48

Sarahcoggles · 03/11/2022 20:39

It's easy to see how these cases don't get reported. You just have to read a standard MN thread in which someone is upset by seeing a parent yell at a child, or be short tempered, or be drunk at school pick up, or leave their child home alone etc - everyone piles in saying it's none of your business, don't be so judgy, maybe the parent has mental health problems, you don't know what's going on in their lives, and so on.

Until we accept, as a society, that abusing vulnerable people is EVERYONE'S business, this kind of thing will keep on happening.

The "keep your nose out, it's none of your business" brigade have blood on their hands.

The issue is people are put off by the lack of action.

For many it would be reporting those known to them, taking a massive personal risk, for very little ‘reward’

anyone who understands the current thresholds that need to be met for intervention would tell you it’s pointless to report half of what you’ve posted about.

Itsabitnotcold · 03/11/2022 20:50

Sterilise anyone that abuses or allows the abuse of children. I really don't think they have the right to produce children. Even in cases where they're victims themselves in all honesty.
Less children being abused. Less children in care. Less damaged, abused children growing into adults that continue the cycle ( not all abused children do obviously but abusers were often abused themselves)

Having children is not a human right. It's a responsibility.

MrsDThomas · 03/11/2022 20:54

As a mum to a 14 year old boy, im absolutely horrified and upset about this. An innocent boy. With 2 grown up people who were supposed to love him, abused him to his death.

what the fuck is wrong with a mum or dad who think this is ok? In most cases there us a step-parent involved.

children again and again being let down by very people there to protect them. Parents, schools, social workers. Always letting kids down.

adding Sebastian’s name to this ever growing list of kids killed by their mum or dad, let down.

NOTHING Is being done about it. Nothing. Same old “investigations” that account to nothing. Boils my piss😡

give your kids a tight hug tonight. This poor child could have done with one.

only hope is that someone will hurt them in prison. 🤞🏻

LexMitior · 03/11/2022 20:54

It is hugely common, along with domestic violence. This is a horrible case but lots of people grow up in violent homes. Unless you filled prisons with the perpetrators it will never change at all. Violent homes make violent people.

Lockheart · 03/11/2022 20:56

You will never be able to stop this completely. It is a sad fact of life, but you will always get people who are very unwell, traumatised, mal-adjusted, or even just plain evil. And there will always be people who suffer at their hands.

Humans aren't perfect. There will always be tragedy.

PotatoFamily · 03/11/2022 20:56

ConnectFortyFour · 03/11/2022 20:20

Awful. The accounts from neighbours and teachers do seem like they genuinely didn’t have cause to report. covid lockdowns and useless father seem to have compounded the invisibility of the abuse.

the CCTV aspect is so odd too.

It seems a lot of these controlling abusive men install these cctv systems.

LexMitior · 03/11/2022 20:57

They are called pet cams. Creepy stuff, don't be fooled.

girlfriend44 · 03/11/2022 21:41

Just put them in a prison cell leave and shut the door. Just leave them to die.

There is no place for people who act like this.

To disgusting for words.

Greenshake · 03/11/2022 21:54

girlfriend44 · 03/11/2022 21:41

Just put them in a prison cell leave and shut the door. Just leave them to die.

There is no place for people who act like this.

To disgusting for words.

That won’t stop it happening.

DazzleRazzles · 03/11/2022 22:06

LexMitior · 03/11/2022 20:57

They are called pet cams. Creepy stuff, don't be fooled.

There is a difference between in home CCTV and pet cams

Valeriekat · 05/11/2022 19:54

IncessantNameChanger · 03/11/2022 20:27

I'm not going to read it, buy I agree your mum.is expected to protect you. I had no other family involvement growing up. Same for my kids now. There's no grandparents investment or aunties or uncles. They are alive around but uninvested. Everyone assumes that mums care so unless the child has a confident who will know? You mum.hating you is the ultimate shame as she should be your best cheerleader. If mum.cant love you, your the problem. Because that's how I have always felt

No! If your Mum can't love and protect her baby SHE is the monster.
Please don't feel otherwise.

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