No, cheating is not just "biology"

[Parkingmoan1]

I've just had to block somebody on another forum for continuously spamming me with comments about how cheating is simple biology, is acceptable and inevitable, and the real problem is "people like me" who want monogamy.

Its because of people like me and the majority in society (who don't agree with infidelity) that men feel "forced" to take vows that go against their basic biology.

Apparently all of our husbands are at it, will have been at some point, or will be in the future.

She isn't a troll, just an aggressive twit in a polyamorous relationship who thinks those of us who don't want to be - are fools.

What's your take?

(Disclaimer, I have nothing against polyamorous people - power to them if that's what makes them and their partner(s) happy. What I have an issue with is how people like this person believe that their way is the right way and the rest of us are fools)

She's an idiot. Nobody is forcing men to be in monogamous relationships. They can stay single and shag around until they're 90 if they want - nobody is stopping them!

Just because being in a monogamous relationship for the rest of your life is a trade-off for some people, that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of men who are happy with that trade-off and will stay faithful because that's the life and the partner they value.

Well cheating is a big part of sexual biology and is practised by a wide variety of supposedly monogamous or polygamous species. And evolution of male and female traits makes most sense if viewed in the context of reproduction and getting your genes into the next generation. So there's more than a grain of truth in it. But even within species their are different reproductive strategies and monogamy and provision for young is one of them, so it's not inevitable in any given relationship.

Well I agree that cheating is "biology" but I disagree that it is acceptable and inevitable. We are smart enough to be capable of resisting biological urges so that we don't hurt the people that we love.

However the majority of men that I know have cheated on their wives/partners, and a fair amount of the women I know have too. So I do think that cheating is incredibly common. So I suppose that imo people find it very hard to resist those urges.

Why has she targeted you? Have you been equally vocal about monogamy? If so, the way I see it, if you don't want to hear dissenting voices don't air your opinions and let everyone just get on with their own thing. Or accept you'll get disagreement and respond with a rebuttal.
I don't disagree with your views, but people who do have the right to say so.

She sounds like a knob to me...
Well done on blocking her.

My ex was like this. When he cheated on me after 6 years he tried to blame it on the fact that his dad had cheated on his mum and maybe it ran in the family 🙈 trying to take the blame off themselves imo.

Your views are perfectly reasonable and I am glad that you don't accept excuses for what I see as unacceptable behaviour.

This one ☝️

I think there is something in it actually.

The very wealthy have never been monogamous, mistresses accepted as normal among the aristocracy, but for the grrat unwashed, where it was important couples stuck together long enough for children to be raised/no one could afford to support more than one family, society came up with a moral code to force it on them.

Obviously it's all wrong if he's using it to justify lying and cheating, but I'm not convinced lifetime monogamy is a natural state. The old thing about a partner (one at a time) for every decade is probably about right.

I mean if I look at my life experience the greater majority of relationships that have supposedly been monogamous have not in truth been so.

I’ve never cheated on a partner when I have been supposed to be monogamously committed to someone and according to most people I’ve asked and every study I’ve ever seen this is a minority position!

yanbu to feel annoyed with her though

Polyamory prophets are at best boring and at worst predatory.

Neither way is right or wrong

There are good and bad ways to do either.

live and let live

Technically, it's correct. Greed is part of biology. Self-entitlement is part of biology.
But that's not what she means, I know. She means that it's not 'natural' to have sex with one partner for your entire life. OK, tell her it's not 'natural' to shit on a toilet - she should get herself down to the woods and shit amongst the trees.
Plus, she forgets all the other wonderful human traits which balance the desire to procreate and temper our carnal lust! Traits like compassion, respect, duty, faith, faithfulness, kindness. But maybe she doesn't have those.

There was a post about the excuses men make for cheating (although it applies to women too)

I replied to say that instead of looking for excuses to cheat just don't bother getting married in the first place. Cue the barrage that followed where I was called a Karen, religious (?!) and part of "the problem"

The amount she harps on about it, maybe she's not so happy or comfortable in this polyamorous relationship as she want everyone to think and she's trying to convince herself by having everyone agree with her that it's a good idea, Biology.

I believe monogamy is unnatural and only so prevalent because of patriarchal societal conditioning.

She is trying to convince herself. If she were content she wouldn’t care what you think

That's fair enough, but do you aggressively go after people who don't have the same beliefs / way of living? I'm betting not.

Well, I suppose it kind of IS biology, in that it's natural to lust after other people. But lots of horrible things are 'natural'. It's natural to lie and cheat and steal and think only of number one. The point is we're better than that. We can rise above our animal selves.

So women would prefer not to be monogamous but are forced to do so by patriarchy? Creative.

I knew a guy who had Jamaican heritage and he said cheating was in his DNA because of his ethnicity 🤔

I also don't think her argument stands up to scrutiny because loads of the people who cheat would certainly not be happy for their significant other to do the same. They don't want a truly polyamorous relationship, they just want carte blanche to have sex with whoever they like whilst the SO remains faithful.

The thing is everyone seems OK with men doing it awwww it's biology awww his dad did it he had a mistress so his son thinks it's all normal "sister wives" etc etc, try doing it as a woman see how fast you get slut shamed

Slightly missing the point, but if all these men are cheating, who are the women they're cheating with?
Surely approximately the same number of women must be cheating too? 🤔🤷‍♀️

Certainly women's monogamy is very important to the patriarchal society. Not least, so that men can feel more confident they are investing in and raising their own children. But also because a model that encourages a woman's relationship with just one man gives that man greater power over her. It also reinforces ideas of women as the possession of a man and for his use only.
I'm not suggesting women are forced into it against their will, but it would be naive not to acknowledge there are strong incentives to steer us towards it and that societal messaging does just that.

Biologically speaking there is a hint of truth in what they said but humans as a species have evolved to try and supersede their biological and biochemical instincts. Its why we have civilization, technology, philosophy etc. We have social pressures, social conditioning and even emotional conditioning which has for millennium pushed humanity to form monogamous partnerships (patriarchy). Economic and societal norms are probably the largest pressures today which push towards it.

Being a rampant arse about 'biology' necessitating all men to an inclination to cheat and want casual sex however is abdicating all ideas of self control, consciousness and will-power to make informed choices. If you argue 'cheating' is all biology then you are admitting to having no self control and being no more evolved, emotional or intelligent than Bonobos or dogs.

Polyamory is fine for those who choose it when all parties are all on board, but its not for everyone. Some people, men and women, really do prefer monogamy and that is cool too.

Having lived happily in both types of relationships I see the positives and negatives. Currently in Monogomous relationship and have no desire to change that...would I be open to discussing changing it to an open relationship if my partner wanted to? Maybe...but that would depend on a conversation and agreement between us.

The idea that all men will cheat and have absolutely no self control because of some biological throw back is ridiculous and naive.

You're both right, and both wrong.

Biologically we're designed to have multiple partners. Monogamy is a social construct, but an important one because its become our norm.