Not even sure how to word this, but here goes … bit of a dilemma
I have several children living at home, but only one school age. She is coming up to GCSE’s and not overly academic (shall we say). I’ve not had a holiday for 4 years, although she’s been away several times with her dad and with scouts etc. I really struggle to get time off work, even more so in school holidays.
I’ve been told that my place of work is closing for a few weeks in the New Year, and I have the opportunity to go abroad and stay with a relative, only paying for the flights. I’ve NEARLY decided to go (still mulling it over but it’s a fantastic opportunity)
The question is, what I do with my DD. It’s not feasible for her to come, the school wouldn’t allow it, her dad would fight it, and if I’m honest, I don’t think she can afford to take a few weeks off at this point in her schooling. (Just for perspective, I’ve taken her twice in the past - albeit to my relatives old house, when she was in primary school).
So, my question is, should I ask if she wants to go to her dads, while I am there?
To me, it sounds like a “given”, but in reality, in 5 years there hasn’t been a single occasion when he has had her for even one night more than is stated in the court order, and sometimes cancels the scheduled arrangements if he decides to go away or makes other plans . When I have asked her in the past, if she WANTS to go “extra”, after being let down so many times, she’s told me “not to bother asking him, because he will only say no”. BUT I never want to be the parent who gets accused later on, of having “stood in the way” of them seeing each other.
When my ex first left, I bought her a mobile phone so she could always contact him, and he could contact her, without feeling as if they had to “go through me”. I’ve always tried my best to facilitate contact, and have stayed local, at considerable financial cost to myself so he isn’t too far away (he’s moved a short distance away, but I’ve stayed here).
Now, I find that whenever I offer him more time with her, and he invariably says “no” I get really upset. It distresses me so much, because it just feels as if she in an inconvenience to him. Eg he won’t ever pick her up early (eg if she has a day off school), or keep her later than the 7.30pm stated in the court order despite her being 5 years older, with a later bedtime. I know that if I engage in a discussion with him, I WILL get upset. But I also truly want to give him the opportunity to spend that time with her, and feel that it’s still his “right” to be offered that chance.
So, YABU to offer (and I would ask HIM if he was WILLING to have her, before I mentioned it to her, because I don’t want her to be disappointed again)
or YANBU to just leave her at home, with her older adult siblings, who she is very close to and are perfectly happy to look after her, and just not mention her going to her dads as an option to anyone.