Husband is STILL watching porn despite doing well with his addiction

[ReadyTeddyGoooo]

My husband's porn addiction came to light nearly 3 years ago (we've been together 5 years and have two dcs). It's something he'd struggled with since his teenage years. He's had therapy in the last 3 years to address it.

He's made some good progress with it. For instance, going from watching it daily to every few weeks. However, it's still there and for me, it's still hanging over our relationship. The worst bit for me is that he won't tell me when he's struggling. It will only emerge in conversation if we're discussing it (every month or so I might check in with him about it) and I feel like he's not telling me something. I can always see it in his face. Then, he tells me. But it has to come to that point.

We both want to be closer to each other in our relationship but I just don't feel like I can be when I know he can't be honest with me. AIBU?
I get why he's hiding it because he feels awful and ashamed but by not telling me, I then can't trust him. And we're caught in a cycle.

Like I said, overall he's made good progress but will he ever get a complete grip of it and just be honest with me? Or do I just except that this might be the best it's going to be and lower my expectations?

He's never going to give it up. So either you suck it up or you dump him.

I am not saying anything is related here but there is a crucial piece of the puzzle missing

how often do you have sex on average?

Like I said, overall he's made good progress but will he ever get a complete grip of it and just be honest with me?

Unfortunately none of us can answer that question.

Only he can.

Is this really about how much porn he watches or is it more about the communication (or lack of) between the 2 of you?

It's more about the communication about porn and him being honest

I’m so sorry this is happening to you op.

And I don’t want to be mean, but I really don’t think his going to give up porn. I’ve read about porn user, what it does to their brains, the way porn users defends their use (even if not addicts), people who use it just have such of different mind set where they think objectifying and exploiting women and girls is okey.
One doesn’t just stop.

Reddit has a sub called love after porn, it has a lot of women who are going through what you are. If you want judgement free support from people who understand what you are going through.

What does how often they have sex have to do with his porn addiction?

Well all you can do is ask him and if he isn’t honest with you then you really need to consider if you want to continue the marriage.

Or do I just except that this might be the best it's going to be and lower my expectations?

For starters he is not doing well if he is still watching it 3 years on, and not telling you the full story.

Do not lower your expectations, raise them.

He knows you have accepted his porn use, because you are saying things like he is doing so well, but that you just won't accept his excessive use of it.
So he is using that as an excuse to keep watching it. Because he wants to.
If he was actually wanting to treat an addiction of it, he would not be watching it at all.

Its been 3 years!

So, no, he is never going to give it up. It is more important to him than his actual real life partner. And more important to him than causing you a huge amount of stress and unhappiness.

I think you are flogging a dead horse.

I'm a bit puzzled .... Do you want him to never watch it, or are you ok with moderate use or occasional use?

(Or is it thought that even occasionalnor moderate use will escalate back to excessive use for him?)

Loads, because OP's main problem is with poor communication, which is upsetting her even more than his porn habit.
And if they are in agreement about sex frequency, & mutually happy about that aspect of their lives together, that's one aspect of communication that is currently working.
But if they are not - it's an indication that the porn habit, the communication, & resentment are such issues that they cannot even agree when/how often to get it on.

Some people need to believe that all men watch porn. Because God forbid they or their Nigel is a misogynistic arse. He must just be a normal man/ everybody does it.

Is it a religious concern?

If you feel it's affecting his energy and interactions with you (he's tired or watching harmful things that he is trying to recreate), then it's something to address. Otherwise it comes across as talking like you are his "owner".