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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

30th birthday and parents

26 replies

maybelou · 03/11/2022 11:21

I think I am and just need a bit of a head wobble.

I'm turning 30 tomorrow, which has me freaking out anyway as I just feel like I've achieved nothing with my life and turning 30 is a mark and proof of that. I've been hung up on this for ages so I am definitely aware that my being upset over my birthday is making me feel extra upset here!

My parents have text to say they're going to pop in tonight to see me as they're busy tomorrow. Writing it out, I know it sounds so, so petty to be upset since they're still coming over, but to me this is a big birthday and I was going to do cake and decorations etc tomorrow and make it a nice day (despite my crisis 😅). I feel like they've completely deprioritised me, and also not mentioned it until the day before despite it being booked months ago. They did the same on my 21st which is also adding to it all I think. I always go round with balloons and some treats for big birthdays and have never missed anyone's but I think I need to realise that it's all obviously more important to me than it is for them.

Aah, okay typing it out I'm pretty sure IABU to be upset - I just need to give myself a bit of a shake, don't I?

OP posts:
imaginationhasfailedme · 03/11/2022 11:25

Please remember, you're a day older every day, this is just an anniversary. There's no rulebook that says what you 'should' have done by certain ages. You're on your life journey, no one elses.
Regarding your parents, in the nicest way, are you 'too much' emotionally for them on your birthday? I mean, are you miserable and down and moping around rather than celebratory? If so, of course they could be much more supportive but maybe they don't want to deal with it?

Whaleandsnail6 · 03/11/2022 11:27

Do you have anyone else that you will be celebrating with tomorrow or was it just going to be you and your parents?

Original poster
maybelou · 03/11/2022 11:31

imaginationhasfailedme · 03/11/2022 11:25

Please remember, you're a day older every day, this is just an anniversary. There's no rulebook that says what you 'should' have done by certain ages. You're on your life journey, no one elses.
Regarding your parents, in the nicest way, are you 'too much' emotionally for them on your birthday? I mean, are you miserable and down and moping around rather than celebratory? If so, of course they could be much more supportive but maybe they don't want to deal with it?

Thanks for replying - no, definitely not, this is the first every birthday I've been upset about! It's a surprise to me, even, as I never thought I'd care about something like this.

I think they just don't think about things the way I do, and obviously have no idea how I've built this up in my head so to them it's a throwaway thing and to me it's feeling like the end of the world 😅

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 03/11/2022 11:32

I can understand you being upset, after all what’s more important to them? Happy 30th Birthday

Original poster
maybelou · 03/11/2022 11:33

Whaleandsnail6 · 03/11/2022 11:27

Do you have anyone else that you will be celebrating with tomorrow or was it just going to be you and your parents?

My housemates will be with me, and they're my best friends, so I won't be alone and we'll do something fun. This is why I know I need to sort myself out - it's really not a bad situation, I'm just feeling deprioritised by my parents and it's upset me, probably things here underneath that I need to address personally and it's often like this with them.

Thanks for replying, I really appreciate it

OP posts:
Original poster
maybelou · 03/11/2022 11:35

Darbs76 · 03/11/2022 11:32

I can understand you being upset, after all what’s more important to them? Happy 30th Birthday

Thank you!! That's exactly why I'm upset, it's just said to me that I'm not as important as something they could have booked for a different day.

I think I need to give myself 30mins of dwelling and then get on with my life!

OP posts:
GoodnightGentleBoris · 03/11/2022 11:36

I think it’s pretty shit tbh, I can’t imagine plans that would be more important than a big birthday of my child unless it was something like surgery

HOWEVER. My pet peeve in life is people who don’t make plans then complain about the plans other people have made because they’re upset with them. For my 30th, and actually every birthday and social plan people know a long time in advance because I’ve made actual plans with them. Why didn’t you do that?

Laurama91 · 03/11/2022 11:36

Dont let it get you down. This year my dad and his partner posted my card through letter box days before my birthday and had no contact with me on the day. They live 1 mile away in next village. Ive learnt to just ignore it and let them get on with it

OnAHealthyPath · 03/11/2022 11:38

I'm turning 30 soon and my family never bother with my birthdays either, it's a let down but I've decided to do what I want and not be available to anyone else on my birthdays to avoid disappointment!

30, flirty and thriving and all that!!

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 03/11/2022 11:40

I just feel like I've achieved nothing with my life

You are 30!! You've been an adult for less than half your life, and you've decades and decades ahead of you.
If it's getting to you, then start a list of things you'd like to do/achieve and work out what is feasible for this next year, just one or two things - you still need to spend time enjoying yourself, but maybe you need more of a plan of action - things don't get achieved on their own.

Obviously don't know your parents but maybe they think you'd rather be with your mates than your parents? Maybe they don't realise that you fully wanted them there? Maybe they don't understand how upset you are about it? Suggests a lack of clear communication between you maybe?

maddy68 · 03/11/2022 11:42

I am not one that values birthdays be they mine or anyone elses tbh so I don't really understand. They came to see you for your birthday. Did you tell them you were planning something bigger and invited them?

I would have thought that a 30th birthday would be spent with friends not parents tbh so they have probably assumed the same.

FieldOverFence · 03/11/2022 11:42

I might be missing something here ... had you planned something with them and they flaked ? In that case YANBU
If you hadn't anything organised, I don't think they could have known that you wanted to do something specific, and so planned to see you the night before and blaze away with their own plans on the day .... doesn't sound unreasonable

Original poster
maybelou · 03/11/2022 11:43

GoodnightGentleBoris · 03/11/2022 11:36

I think it’s pretty shit tbh, I can’t imagine plans that would be more important than a big birthday of my child unless it was something like surgery

HOWEVER. My pet peeve in life is people who don’t make plans then complain about the plans other people have made because they’re upset with them. For my 30th, and actually every birthday and social plan people know a long time in advance because I’ve made actual plans with them. Why didn’t you do that?

I didn't make specific plans with them because every birthday we do the same thing - family comes round for tea and cake and we just have a nice evening together, it's always been like that. I didn't have anything big planned for this one as I was trying not to make a big deal out of it (mission failed) but I always look forward to the family evenings together, they pretty much only ever happen on birthdays.

OP posts:
Dollydea · 03/11/2022 11:44

My parents are like this, they used to make a fuss when I was a child but once I'd turned 18 then they just sort of switched off from birthdays, I turned 30 last year and they sent a card & £20 in the post (we do live a long way from them) and a happy birthday text on the day.
They're like that with one another's birthdays too, they're fantastic parents in every other way though so I just shrug it off.
To some people birthdays are just another day, even big ones.

Happy Birthday! 🥳

Original poster
maybelou · 03/11/2022 11:44

Laurama91 · 03/11/2022 11:36

Dont let it get you down. This year my dad and his partner posted my card through letter box days before my birthday and had no contact with me on the day. They live 1 mile away in next village. Ive learnt to just ignore it and let them get on with it

That's upsetting, I'm sorry 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
maybelou · 03/11/2022 11:45

OnAHealthyPath · 03/11/2022 11:38

I'm turning 30 soon and my family never bother with my birthdays either, it's a let down but I've decided to do what I want and not be available to anyone else on my birthdays to avoid disappointment!

30, flirty and thriving and all that!!

This is a great approach, I'm going to have to steal it 😁

OP posts:
GoodnightGentleBoris · 03/11/2022 11:46

maybelou · 03/11/2022 11:43

I didn't make specific plans with them because every birthday we do the same thing - family comes round for tea and cake and we just have a nice evening together, it's always been like that. I didn't have anything big planned for this one as I was trying not to make a big deal out of it (mission failed) but I always look forward to the family evenings together, they pretty much only ever happen on birthdays.

Show quote history

In that case, it’s time to get rid of your dootmat hat and send them a message saying that you do this every year and given it’s your 30th you’d like it to be more special, you got cake in etc etc. Could they please reschedule their other plans and come around tomorrow like you usually do.

Even better, call your mum and chat with her.

KoalaPineapple · 03/11/2022 11:48

Happy birthday 🥳

I felt like I’d done nothing with my life at 30 then in a year I got a great job (career even!) and brought a house, all literally happened in a year, time is made up haha

Remainiac · 03/11/2022 12:00

As a parent of a DC who will turn 30 this month, I’m slightly disappointed that he’s going off for the birthday weekend with his mates and isn’t massively bothered about spending it with us. In contrast his older DB wanted a full-on celebration posh dinner in a restaurant with family and also a big party with his friends. Everyone approaches birthdays differently but perhaps you need to be more clear with your parents what you’d like? They love you and may well be delighted that you’d like to make a fuss that involves them but as that hasn’t been the norm you need to spell it out?

Mariposista · 03/11/2022 12:06

So so sorry you feel like this OP. I am one year older than you and would be devastated if my mum did this to me.
Have a lovely birthday with your housemates and don't feel like a failure. 30 is still very young!

TedMullins · 03/11/2022 12:14

I think you should’ve specifically invited ten over. The last birthday I spent with my parents around was a house party for my 18th, as I still lived with them! Since I moved out I’ve always had birthdays with friends and honestly wouldn’t want my parents there so I can’t personally relate, they wouldn’t expect to be part of my birthday plans either so I don’t expect anything more than a phone call or text. But if you want to hang out with them on your birthday tell them!

Dotjones · 03/11/2022 12:15

No advice for the immediate issue of them not coming on the day itself, but many people (including me) find/found that once you get past thirty the anxiety and feeling of not having achieved anything quickly disperses.

I think it's that in the run up to thirty you realise you're no longer "young" yet you haven't really become an adult either. Thirty is a convenient marker point but nothing more. When you hit thirty, you're no longer "late 20s" but "early 30s" and suddenly you feel like you're at the young end of an age range again. It's a reset and it eases the pressure.

ChessieFL · 03/11/2022 12:17

Maybe they think you might rather be with your friends on your birthday?

KettrickenSmiled · 03/11/2022 13:05

Aah, okay typing it out I'm pretty sure IABU to be upset - I just need to give myself a bit of a shake, don't I?
Hey! YANBU to be upset!
You were feeling a bit low & worried anyway, & wanting a bit of validation from your parents is not unreasonable.

I think I need to give myself 30mins of dwelling and then get on with my life!
What a smasher you are OP.
You've acknowledged your feelings, taken responsibility for them, focused on the positives of your housemates/best friends, & given yourself a timescale for getting past your initial reaction.

If your folks are generally good eggs, you're right that they simply don't view birthdays, even milestone birthdays, in the same way you do. It would be nice if they had noticed more about how you view them - your own efforts for their birthdays might have given them a clue! But what are your choices?
You can either dial down these efforts, to match what your parents do.
Or keep on with them if it makes you happy - but TELL your parents "I want something similar for my next birthday" & ... kinda organise them into 'organising' that for you.
Or you can accept the status quo, which has the benefit of going with the flow with no extra effort or angsting for you.

If this is part of a pattern of disregard, or benign neglect from your folks, obviously you have more of an issue & need to put more than 30 minutes thinking time into a solution, because otherwise reality might keep bumping into your hopes/expectations, leaving you feeling let down. Having said which - you seem to have your head screwed on, & I doubt that this would be a quandary beyond your fixing.

If you can chalk it up to a mismatch of styles, & continue feeling happy about & connected to your parents - brilliant. If you cannot - consider booking in time with a counsellor to talk though the family complications, the feelings you referenced about hitting 30 in your OP, & how to best manage yourself & your sadness about any parental disconnect,

HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY! Flowers Wine

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 03/11/2022 13:30

So from the other side when I was 30 I went off to New York with now DH. I called them on my birthday but nothing else.