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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

boss disagreeing with everything I say in front of junior colleague

7 replies

userc · 03/11/2022 10:47

Any experienced line managers on how I can handle this?

Deeply frustrating. Boss and I have been supervising a doctoral student since September. He'll be with us for three years. Boss specifically asked me to be involved with this project, I didn't volunteer!

My boss is obviously more experienced than me, so I tend to let him take the lead. If he makes a decision, I'll agree with it (he's the one with funding, if he wants to do something a certain way then fair enough) - but everytime I voice an opinion independently, he disagrees, in front of the student.

I have given examples of these to some people who work in my field, and they've said they would've said they same, and they don't really understand why he's doing this.

To be clear, they're small things, I don't think it's a big deal as to whether we go with my opinion or his, but it's just the dynamic we're setting up that irritates me.

Alternative is to sit there like a lemon in meetings and not speak at all apart from to agree, but in that case I'm not sure why I'm there!

It's stressful because sometimes I meet with the student individually, and I'm second guessing myself when he asks reaonable questions as to whether I'm saying things that my boss will not be wanting me to.

Any advice? Obviously my priortity is to maintain a good working relationship with my boss, which has been fine until now. Oddly enough we've never run into this issue before when it comes to my work.

OP posts:
userc · 03/11/2022 10:53

oops didn't mean to enable voting but why not:

YABU - your boss is correct to do this
YANBU - your boss in incorrect to do this

OP posts:
pandarific · 03/11/2022 10:53

Hmm. Maybe he’s trying to set up a dialogue and show the student that different professionals can have different views? Albeit in a clumsy way. I’d just ask him, in a tactful way - what’s he trying to achieve for the learner here, and is there a better way? Come with suggestions, see what he says, then slip in that you’re not sure the value you’re adding right now, can you change how you’re working on this?

userc · 03/11/2022 10:56

pandarific · 03/11/2022 10:53

Hmm. Maybe he’s trying to set up a dialogue and show the student that different professionals can have different views? Albeit in a clumsy way. I’d just ask him, in a tactful way - what’s he trying to achieve for the learner here, and is there a better way? Come with suggestions, see what he says, then slip in that you’re not sure the value you’re adding right now, can you change how you’re working on this?

I totally agree with this in general

Student has already voiced to me "you and boss disagree a lot!" and I've just casually said that's very normal, and part of being a phd student is taking on board lots of differing opinions, and working out what you think as a researcher.

But in this case it isn't really me and boss debating something (absolutely fine), it's boss shutting down every opinion I give!

OP posts:
userc · 03/11/2022 11:36

I’d just ask him, in a tactful way - what’s he trying to achieve for the learner here, and is there a better way? Come with suggestions, see what he says, then slip in that you’re not sure the value you’re adding right now, can you change how you’re working on this?

This is a good idea, thanks @pandarific

OP posts:
leafyygreens · 03/11/2022 13:48

Agree with trying to raise this with your boss.

userc · 03/11/2022 16:15

I think I do need to say something. Right now there's an email chain where they've discussed something, I wrote out a couple of replies but didn't end up sending them.

It's making me stressed because I don't want to look like I'm not contributing, but equally my contributions seem to all be wrong!

OP posts:
Obki · 03/11/2022 16:38

He’s trying to act like billy big dick in front of the doctoral student.

In your next catch up, raise it with him and the fact that it undermines you in front of a junior colleague.

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