Bad day yesterday

[strugglingandjuggling]

I've posted about this before under different usernames and always received brilliant advice. I know where the resources are and I know what I need to do practically for my own well-being (although it's very hard). Sometimes I just need a place to rant and MN is good for that.

Basically my mum is a functioning alcoholic. She has drank intermittently all of my life. She has used it as a crutch in difficult times - health issues, family issues, relationship issues, work issues - the answer for her has always been to drink. However since we lost my sad very suddenly 4 years ago things have got much worse. She drinks pretty much daily either when she gets home from work or at the weekends whenever she wants, sometimes in the morning.

Yesterday she was meant to help me with something in my baby's room. It's a two person job and dh works so wasn't around to help. She let me down last minute because she said something had come up. I later phoned her as my older dc was sent home poorly from school and I wanted her advice. Predictably she answered the phone pissed and slurring. She then staggered round to our house (we live on the same housing estate so it's a 5 minute walk) despite me telling her not to and that I'd speak to her when she's sober.

Firstly I'm sad that she'd choose to let me down to drink. Secondly the fact she thinks it's ok to come over when I have my baby and sick dc here and she's drunk. I have no other family - just my kids, dh and my mum. And I can't rely on her one bit anymore.

We used to be so close and spoke daily. Now if we don't have a chat in the morning while she's still sober there's no point as I cannot abide her slurring, nonsensical, argumentative conversations once she's had a drink.

I feel so sad, so lonely and so let down. I lost my dad and have in many ways lost my mum too. I know she's grieving still. I know her life is hard. I try to help as much as I can with small kids of my own but quite often she can't wait to leave our house so she can get home to drink. She only goes to social things if it involves drinking - so pub lunches are ok but an exercise class wouldn't be considered. She must be wrecking her health.

Aibu to feel so let down? Am I being selfish to expect more for myself and my dc - her grandkids?

What does she say when you talk to her about it?

YANBU. i'm sorry.

She becomes defensive - lots of "well if you'd been what I've been through you'd probably drink too". Doesn't deny there's a problem but won't talk about and won't seek any sort of help. I've given up trying to talk to her when she's under the influence now. And when she's sober we tend to skirt around the issue. When she's sober she's a totally different person but she takes offence easily so it's like u don't want to spoil the good time I have with her by bringing it up. It's so sad that it's come to this.

It's hard having a dysfunctional relationship with a parent, I know that because I have a mother who is dysfunctional but I also empathise with your mum. I have never been a great drinker but since DH died earlier this year I can absolutely see why people turn to alcohol to try to rid themselves of how they are feeling. No amount of daytime support makes up for the utter bleakness and loneliness of grief.

@bloodywitchescat I understand that and I do sympathise but it's not helping her overall. And drinking has always been an issue with her. It's just heartbreaking seeing her do this to herself. And how our relationship is suffering because of it.