To inwardly feel jealous of everyone having more friends?

[Beanly]

I suppose to answer the obvious questions first:
childhood: moved around a lot including overseas due to parents work so don’t have any lasting friendships
secondary school: stayed in touch for a few years afterwards but our lives have gone in totally different directions and have little in common now and don’t particularly enjoy the odd annual gathering (think- their lives are busy revolving around 2.5kids in the same town we grew up, I have a different kind of childless busy city job/life)
university: had a great time, always had friends to do things with but only one or two have lasted till now. They had solid school friendships (who when I met got on with better than my school friends, possibly because they were privately educated and lived similar adult lives- btw I was not privately educated but am now in a professional world where most are)
New city/career: always found it easy to get along with people at work, socialise occasionally outside of work. from the outside look like I have a decent social life - friends, husband etc.

But.. the reality is, I’m on the outside of every friendship. Every one of my friends has more solid friendships. Best school friend recently got engaged, it shouldn’t be a big deal but I was a little hurt I haven’t been asked to be a bridesmaid. Best uni friend had a birthday recently (I posted a card, small gift etc) then found out her small birthday gathering was about 16 people. Work friends are… work friends. When we meet, they talk about their actual friendships. Whereas DH has 1 solid friendship group which he’s had for > 25 yrs (they also live across the country but meet up every month or two). My “best friends” are also spread out and do seem interested in meeting - initiate and do visit me or vice verve but I feel very much like I’m on the edge of their social circle.

I think I’ve missed out on meaningful early childhood friendships then at uni, I was on the edge of several groups without ever being the centre of any. I didn’t notice this so much in my 20s when dating a lot meeting new people and moving a lot with work meeting new colleagues when generally people were more sociable.

Pandemic/got married.. now find my social circle is so small.
Can anyone relate / have any suggestions?

Didn’t read your whole post as you’ve got more friends than me, I haven’t got any.

A few things:

1. Very few people have more than a small handful of really good strong, lasting friendships. The vast majority of the friends your friends appear to have are just part of an entrenched social circle. It’s not the same thing.
2. When people stay in one place all their lives they develop a community by default because they have known people so long. This has its benefits (security, familiarity), but also it’s downside’s. It’s very limiting. It doesn’t allow much scope for people to change or redefine themselves and can be stifling. I personally believe people who go through the experience of moving and having to start again a few times become better at selecting actual friends (as opposed to just people they have known for 20+ years). I think it makes you more resilient.
3. I don’t know how old you are but based on what you have said I am going to guess early to mid 30s. This is a time of great transition and change and I think it’s quite common for people, particularly with careers, to feel a bit adrift at this point.

You actually sound very normal to me. But if you are worried about it I would just focus on keeping your options to meet new friends as open as you can.

TL;DR - closest friend1 had a birthday gathering, wasn’t invited, feel hurt, wants to make plans to meet up but I’m struggling to feel excited yet at the same time obviously don’t want to burn any bridges.

closest friend2 (1 and 2 don’t know each other) got engaged, made a gushy bridesmaids announcement, not one, struggling to have the same enthusiasm for wedding planning etc.

I consider them my 2 closest friends, they probably think of me as a close friend too but not in their main group(s). I live in a different city to both. Feeling a bit blue about this all and I guess looking for advice.

I think your main issue from your post is that you are looking for people the same as you to be friends with. Someone state educated, working in a "career" position, no kids. Why do you think you have to have similar friends? Most people have friends in different situations - so what if the people you were friends with at school still live in the same town and have kids? Doesn't mean you can't have a friendship with them.

You can get a lot out of a friendship/relationship with someone a lot older or younger or just from a different background too.

Gosh sorry I didnt realise how much of a wall of text this was when I typed it on my phone.

@KangarooKenny sorry to hear this, what are you doing about it? or are you content this way?

@Thepeopleversuswork thank you. I think I must gravitate towards the few that do.. very kind, social, flexible, i guess i'm not surprised they have a lot of close friends.
2 - yes you have a point, i have gained a lot from my life experiences and am otherwise happy, just feel low when I realise its contributed to not having stability with friendships. 4 - I do, I'm trying very much to be a "yes" person but social opportunities are just few and far between in your mid 30s to lets say a decade or so ago. I'm very much a 'see a problem, fix it' but this feels far more delicate/abstract that i've no idea what to do.

@FamilyTreeBuilder thank you, thats interesting. I'm not sure its true though, I am open to friendships with anyone whos company I find enjoyable. Of those who I went to school with (with kids ranging from toddlers to teenagers) I still meet probably annually in a bigger gather, kids or not, I really have nothing in common with them anymore. I think we mutually can't relate to eachother, I'm not particularly interested in the gossip of that town etc they cant relate to my life... we are polite and civil but only see eachother once in a blue moon (usually at the mutual friends birthday). I have tried reaching out to one in particular that I do get on with better than the rest - we probably now meet annually in addition to the bigger group. She does have kids, so I go there but I live far away from my hometown for this to be a regular thing.

I invest a lot of time in maintaining friendships with people and I think some people don’t. My school friends life’s went in different directions too but we have that unbreakable bond of growing up together and I always make the effort to visit them when staying with my mum.

I relate to so much you say OP. I was an army brat until I was 13. Went to 8 schools. One sibling with big age gap. Very lonely and in my own world as a child. I feel like I missed out on how to form friendships. In my case I suspect ASD (my oldest diagnosed at 8 and I have read a lot about girls on the spectrum). I don’t struggle to make friends but they don’t seem to last. I feel on the outside afraid to pursue deeper friendships. It really bothers me.

My friends were always connected to what I was doing, so I left my high school friends behind, and the same with jobs that I have done. When I had my first child all the other mum’s went back to work, but I didn’t due to DH’s work. I only saw people at the school gates.
Now my ‘friends’ are the people I work with.
‘I think the fact that I don’t put up with crap doesn’t help, as others seem to let things slide.

I think this is a lot more normal than you can imagine. I am lucky to have a close friend (I would call her my closest friend, she feels the same) but a few of my other close friends have other closer friends than me and vice versa.

I know it’s easier said than done but if you have spare time you can try and go to classes or groups near you and meet new people.

You've only got to see the number of friendship problem posts on the Internet to see that having friends is hard work and requires slot of negotiation and effort.
Even long term friends you can fall out with.
Stop thinking it's the be all and end all having friends and its problematic at times.

I feel for you!

I wonder if this feeling is giving you a message to try and put more energy into finding new friendships?

I think even with the sting of not being as important to them, as they are to you, you should maintain those two you have. They haven’t done anything wrong by having closer friends than you and they do still value you.

But can you invest more time in hobbies, in particular where you might spend more time with kindred spirits? Can you put more effort into pursuing those friendships? Reading about how you get close, I think it’s about sharing vulnerabilities and having meaningful shared experiences.

I feel very much like you, OP. What you have described is very similar to me. I do feel like I have things in common with hometown old school friends but just feel left out like they all do their own things to socialise on a quite basic level but most time spent with families. Also like you, big city life and career - but I felt London was quite transient and people moved in and out and don’t seem so interested in maintaining friendships - or their main friendships seem to be old uni groups - which I don’t have - so I’m always a friend on the periphery.
I now have v young children but not really finding connection with the ‘mums’. I’m thinking when my children are a bit older to get more involved with clubs and things I’m interested in. Like you I feel sad I’m not in one of these big groups that loo so fun. Although I do think they can be connected with quite a bit of stress and drama too. In fact, when I have been closer to being part of these things I actually often feel quite anxious and quite paranoid- especially if I find out a meet up has happened that I’m not a part of or something?

OP, I know what you mean.

I have one friend in particular who I used to be so close with. She made a few new friends over the years and although we are still friends now, I’ve definitely been relegated. It has really hurt these past few years, I’m still invited to things and do go, but she’s definitely closer to/ sees the other two friends more and I’ve never had any explanation as to why I’ve been relegated.

I do have other friendships luckily, but it’s probably similar in that I wouldn’t say I was their no 1 friend, with the exception of one (god I sound so juvenile) I too always seem to be on the edge of social groups.

No advice really but I suspect it must be due to our personality type? Though interestingly I moved about a bit as a child too, though only a couple of times early on, but I suspect it did have an impact.

I think the only thing you can do is to put as much effort into making new friends as possible and continue to value the friendships you do have, but I guess just accept that they have other, closer friendships.

My children who are all in their 30s, all have best friends they met in Yr R at school and I think it's amazing!
I do have lots of lovely friends I have gathered over the years - one or two of them are from my 6th form/university days but my closest friends are actually women I have met in the last in the last 20 years through the kids/work/hobbies (I am 60). The person I would consider my closest friend is someone I met at work in 2016. We just hit it off. We do share a hobby as well but we are both retired now and see each other most weeks - we both have a fairly wide circle of friends but just have so much in common, we love each other's company. It's not too late OP - just stay friendly and open 😁

@Darbs76 Yes, I think I was guilty of this to a degree when I was younger - partly because I was in so many social circles particularly at uni which was just such a whirlwind but everyones dissipated now across the country and it would feel forced to meet up especially as it would involve a lot of travelling. (Housemates from each year/ societies / coursemates /friends of friends that you end up becoming closer with etc it was often a case of decided which group to hang out with on a FRiday night).

@BeanCounterBabe I dont think I was lonely as a child, I always had friends although possibly not often anyones "best friend". How do we go about fixing this though? Eg. I dont think id have the confidence to host my own birthday party..

@KangarooKenny Yes I can relate to not putting with crap, I think I do more so now but I was perhaps a little brutal in my younger years. If I was wronged or if I saw someone treat another in a way I didnt like, I'd stand up for what I believed to be the right thing rather than people-pleasing. Think bitchiness in girl groups etc, obviously teen dramas / boy dramas has fizzled away now. Do you frequently socialise with work friends?

@Mumtobe2305 Good idea - what sorts of classes/ groups? I think i'm probably a bit boring really, dont have a particular passion/hobby that I excel at.

@girlfriend44 Not saying its the be all and end all - just recognising its something I
m not happy with and looking for ways to rectify it..

@pjani Thank you. Yes I think it definitely is. I do, I really enjoy those 2 friendships so make every effort (have on occasion introduced them to eachother too, which was nice but just a bit weird!) Neither live locally though and it'd be nice to have meaningful friendships in the area I live and work. Its just hard now that I'm no longer a student or fumbling together through the early stages of our careers or evening going out/dating and bonding over that. I am in a stable happy marriage (no dramas) and worked my way up in this industry - from the outside I look like I have it sussed.

@Foxglovers Yes - the city experience is great, but everyone is always so busy with their own plans involving home friends/uni friends/family etc to have spare time to make new meaning friendships it feels like. I dont have DC yet but can already relate with not connecting with "mums". We are TTC though and this isnt something I've spoken about to anyone at all (its taking longer than I'd hoped and is weirdly stressful/isolating). Can also totally relate to the anxiety - its so confusing when these meet ups happen and youre not included - how are you supposed to react to that? is it out of spite? probably not.. did they just not think of me? probably.. Of course people are entitled to make plans with whoever they wish (and I wouldnt want to hold a grudge when unintentionally excluded, which I possibly would in my teens/20s, I dont now but it still stings..)

@Autumnalfeels01 It does sound so juvenile doesnt it - so I've not ever brought this sort of thing up with the few friends I do have, it just sounds ridiculous. Yes good idea, but how do childless people in their 30s do that when you dont have a particular hobby that you devote your spare time to?

@99victoria That sounds much like DH, his "group" have completely absorbed us wives/girlfriends/partners in and it is lovely. I occasionally see them without DH but they are very much his friends, what we have in common is DH. The irony is that I'm more sociable than him, on the surface to everyone else or on SM look like I am surrounded by friends. Yes its bizarre how you meet people that you just hit it off with at the most unexpected time/place. I have a friend like this - we literally overlapped in work for about a week or 2, she is now overseas yet is my closest friend from work despite never really working together. DH thinks shes more of a penpal lol.