Is this too soon? What would you do in this situation?

[Hurrah997]

Could not access my other account but I posted on here the other day about speaking to a guy for around 3/4 weeks but feeling nervous about meeting with him.

For context, I know him in passing at school but haven’t seen him for a few years and I don’t know him well. He is two years older than me.

when seemed to have built an emotional connection over messaging. We get on great and have a lot in common and seem to have clicked really well but the messages have turned quite intense about how much he likes me and is attached to me, wants to make me happy and that he hasn’t been this happy in a long time and that he is glad I came into his life. he talks of all the things we will do together in the future. things like that.

I have not met him yet properly for a date. This has all been purely over messages so I’m worried it’s too soon and that the expectations are too high. I feel like I need to live up to how he sees me and I’m worried he’s put me on a pedestal which concerns me as I have low self esteem so it’s made me worried I won’t be what he expects.

what would you do in this situation?

Run. Very fast.

I'd run for the hills and not look back!

Red flags all over this one!! 🚩 🚩 🚩

It sounds a bit intense to me, I personally wouldn't feel super comfortable with that. He is (unwittingly) putting a lot of pressure on things to go well when you meet in person but I will say that it can be hard not to get attached/ excited when you've messaged a lot for a month, that's a long time to go back and forth before meeting. Has either of you tried to initiate a date before now? I personally would go soon, meet him in real life and see what your gut tells you. You'll either get a really genuine good vibe from him or you won't and you'll know you were right to be wary.

I would run for the fucking hills, run over them, and keep running.

Yeah it’s too much. Even if you’d actually met this would be too much too soon. As it’s all via message so far it’s a massive red flag. He’s built up an image of you in his head which you will spend the next however long trying to live up to. You’re a person in your own right, not a fantasy for some over enthusiastic man.

Either he likes you for who you are or he doesn’t, but there’s no way he can know that already.

I know how this happens - I’ve had similar with a guy I’ve known online for years. Recently got chatting a bit more intimately and got quite excited about meeting him. We met up, had some great sex and then he disappeared. Men say whatever they need to for a shag. Don’t believe a word of it. If you want to meet him do it sooner rather than later and see if you still click in real life. But I’d advise walking away, as he sounds like he could be trouble.

Definitely run. That's far too intense, too soon. I'd be off so fast in the other direction you wouldn't see me for dust.

Thank you for your replies. Yes it feels like a lot of pressure for it to all go really well before we’ve even met. We did arrange to meet before now but it had to get rearranged

Sorry. I meant to add that he’s opened up to me about a lot of things too about his insecurities and says I have brightened his life up and can’t imagine not speaking to me. He has told me he has problems with debt so can’t treat me but promises to be loyal and respectful

Fucking hell, op, it gets worse. He's already trying to make you feel responsible for his happiness, and he's shit with money. Also, why would one promise to be loyal and respectful? How weird.

You would have to be mad to meet with him. I would seriously question your judgement if you do.

Jesus it gets worse!!!

Block him, then raise your boundaries! He's using you as an emotional crutch and he's skint!! What on earth is even remotely attractive about him as a proposition??? 🤦‍♀️🚩🤦‍♀️🚩

You really don't have an emotional connection, I know it feels real (been there, got the postcard telling me to run for the hills - thought I knew better and it turned into an utter disaster). The fact you feel like it is real is a big red flag. My advice is to take a massive step back. You have doubts - it really isn't fun being put on a pedestal and you haven't even met the guy! (I know the school thing but that isn't really a big connection) - If you meet him there is a very good chance you might ignore any other niggles because you are getting invested in this romantic fairy tale (I did and hugely regretted it)

Why is he talking about the future so much when you haven't even met? - if you asked him to slow down what would happen?

Why are you so worried about not matching up to his expectations? Where is the worry about this happening too fast?, the future faking and the pedestal building?.

Please take a step back this sounds horrible and stressful. Relationships that work well don't have this level of intensity at the beginning (in my experience)!

Your self-esteem might be a bit better than you thought. You have already considered the situation thoroughly and have a lot of doubts! Listen to yourself!

This is why you should meet people for dates relatively quickly!

He might just be a bit over excited but it’s too intense and coupled with the debt I’d nip it in the bud now. Just think about how hard that’ll already be after he’s gone on about how happy you make him….he will be devastated. Imagine how much harder it’ll be in six months time if you wanted out, if this is what it’s like before you’ve even met properly!

Run as fast and as far as you can. He is not the man for you.

This is too much. He is laying it on really thick and you have not even met yet. When I was younger I went out with men who told me all about their debt issues and used them as an excuse for every bit of shitty behaviour. I am not judging anyone with debt-I had loads myself but I was intensely ashamed of it and would never, ever have told anyone about it let alone someone I was interested in.
He is giving cocklodger vibes.

He’s snaring you to try to secure you to help fund his lifestyle.

Don’t be hoodwinked and do NOT worry about not ‘living up to his version of you’ - he’s projecting a fabrication of the situation for his own reasons.

He’s love bombing. It’s a tactic, either consciously or unconsciously used. You haven’t even met. Think it through - the emotional intensity is nothing more than a construction.

Problems with debt? Definitely run.

Def. lovebombing and he is narrating the story of how things are going without any consideration as to your feelings.

If I think about one couple I know who were messaging long before they actually met, he was a control freak and she was far enough away not to know anyone locally who she could talk to about him. He convinced her to move away from her home base and family quite early on in the piece, and over time she lost control of her bank accounts and access to her money/income.

I would back off from replying to him regularly or promptly. See how he reacts to that, but I suspect he might not be best pleased. but better to recognise it now than further down the track.

Thank you all. My anxiety is definitely coming from him telling me how amazing I apparently am before we have actually met. I just feel like I won’t able to be myself around him because I’ll feel like I have to live up to the expectations.

I am unsure what to say to him as we had arranged to meet this Friday

Why are you still worrying about living up to his expectations????
What are your expectations? Surely they're higher than a guy who isn't interested in waiting to know the real you, is miserable in his own life, has debt issues and apparently thinks that promising to be loyal and respectful is a great thing as opposed to basic human decency.

Run, and then raise all your bars so someone like this doesn't sneak past them again.

You've hit the nail on the head. He's setting you up to live up to his standards, which is what abuse in a relationship essentially is - one person continually pressured to live according to the other person's standards. It sounds like there is not much room for you or your feelings and I agree with the posts that say run!

You feel uncomfortable for a good reason. Consider yourself lucky to find out he is like this early on.

You are always allowed to change your mind, you don't need to meet him. You can be direct and tell him it feels like it is moving too fast for you, it doesn't feel right for you to meet up with him and you wish him well.

Er ... nope.

He is insecure, has debt, is love bombing you (whether consciously or not) & makes unsolicited promises - see Gavin de Becker -
psychopathsandlove.com/i-promise-you-im-no-gigolo/

BLOCK! That's some major love-bombing and you can bet if you meet and ultimately reciprocate his feelings, he'll become nasty and/or emotionally manipulative.

^ Oops, ultimately don't reciprocate his feelings

It isn’t just pressure if it going well that I would be worried about. He sounds not right. Run.

Just letting you know that I'm not going to see you on Friday - I've changed my mind about meeting up.

It's been great catching up over the last couple of weeks - hope all goes well for you in the future.

Take care,

Hurrah