I have struggled with depression and mental health since a small child. I'm also Dyslexic and Dyspraxic, both of which make my life hard at times for varying reasons. On antidepressants on a strong dose.
My house is old and isn't finished to the standard that I would like. First time buyer with DP and its completely broke us money wise as in can't do much more work on it for couple more years. I have high standards about certain things but then buy my coffee table that was scratched to death from a charity shop because I loved it.
My high standards are making my life hell and a misery.
I literally paint more or less 2/3 nights per week touching walls up, sanding it off if it's dried bumpy then doing it again. My DP confiscated my sanding stuff when we moved it as I was bad for doing it.
Today I decided to the doors up and skirts. Needless to say I dropped the paintbrush and paint splattered on my couch and floor. I had also not covered both like a fool. Luckily I managed to get it all off.
I then proceeded to have a meltdown and phone SIL sobbing. My MIL and SIL supported me and calmed me down.
I feel totally overwhelmed. Im anxious every single hour of every single day.
I won't let myself relax until the house looks perfect and it never does, so I never relax. I've lost interest in anything and everything. I can't remember the last time we had sex. I shout at him all the time because he's so messy and it adds to my anxiety. He works such long hours I do bulk of it all.
My house style is vintage and bit beaten down so why do I need everything to look perfect to the point of insanity.
It's never going to look perfect and that thought makes me shudder because I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life sanding walls and painting, instead of enjoying my home and DP.
Sorry for ramblings. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have attempted to end my life before and do battle with suicidal feelings. I'm just exhausted. I can't continue to battle my mental health.