Adult Son & Mental health

[Newlywednearly50]

My son is 29 but honestly acts like a teenager still. He doesn’t seem to grow up, smokes a lot of weed and is skint a week after being paid then borrows money off his dad to survive until the next payday but then will go out & book a holiday or something ridiculous!
Ive known for long time that he has mental health issues, anxiety, confidence, low mood and possibly ADHD. He’s recently started sertraline which I was happy about because it’s the start of him acknowledging things aren’t right but for last week he hasn’t gone to work because he says he’s feels too unwell but this weekend he went on a pre planned weekend away and then went to work for 2 days but is now saying he’s going to ask for unpaid leave. He has so much time off sick I think they will get rid of him tbh. I think being out of work will be terrible for him. In past he’s been very very lazy & this is the first job he’s lasted at.
mom trying to be supportive & to understand but there is part of me that just thinks he’s being bone idle. I don’t know what to say.
at the end of the day it’s up to him but I’m scared that if he loses this job it will be worse as he won’t get another like it- he has a criminal record.
How would you play this?

Does he live with you? If so time to get rid and let him stand on his own 2 feet. 29?! I'd be mortified.

No he lives with his Dad.

Mortified how?

Just that he's 29 and is doing nothing with his life. Sounds like his dad is enabling it too.

It’s mortifying I can understand OP. My BIL is 40(!!!!) and has only very recently learnt how to stand on his own two feet. The last two decades has been him spending his money on weed and his ‘luxuries’ ie concert tickets and alcohol at the WMC but never had any money for his actual bills or car tax so would constantly ask us family members. But because he suffered from depression and anxiety his lifestyle choices were never questioned just in case ‘we upset him’.

It’s easy for me to say this though but since he’s your own son OP, only you can decide what boundaries you’d like to set. Lazy and bone idle absolutely, it must be a drain for you by this point OP as awful as that might be to say.

If this new medication is giving him side effects he needs to readdress his dosage with the GP. Perhaps give him another month or so before giving him an ultimatum?

He sounds depressed and in the wrong job. I would try to support him to explore his options for finding another, more fulfilling job. He's on Sertraline which will help elevate his mood. The weed smoking isn't going to help though.

I certainly wouldn't tell him to grow up and stand on his own two feet.

Some parents are very harsh towards their adult children. Mental health issues affect us all.

Ah scrap that if he lives with his dad then yes, he’s enabling him. Have you spoke to his dad to share your concerns?

I’m not mortified I’m sad & I don’t understand it. We’re a hard working, ambitious family. Yeh his Dad is enabling him- he pays no rent or anything.

honestly I’ve tried so so hard to help him find something right for him work wise. He’s also a bit of dreamer constantly coming up with schemes to get rich but doesn’t have the follow through.

i don’t want to be too uncaring because I know people can be laughing etc and then go home and end it all ( I know someone that did this).

the weed thing is a constant source of conversation. He’s knows he needs to stop but again doesnt have the motivation to do so

it feels hopeless

It’s mortifying I can understand OP. My BIL is 40(!!!!)
i worry he will be 40 and still carry on like this… 😞

I think maybe he does need abit of tough love.

It’s very hard as you want to support your son but letting him sit at home, in his bedroom, smoking weed, ISNT going to benefit him.

So many people on here allow their kids to avoid life/challenges because they have anxiety, etc. They need to get back into society, not avoid it.

As pp has said mental health can affect everyone but it can also be helped massively if he cuts the weed habit. It’s known to be a depressant when used excessively! I’m sorry you feel hopeless today OP.

And you’re right about ending it all. The same BIL I described try to off himself twice and consequently my in laws just couldn’t manage or handle his depression and were terrified to pull him up on anything he could change or do differently to change his circumstances. So I hear you when you say this, it’s difficult.

Does he have a partner of his own?

Often situations like this can be hard to unpick what is the root cause of the issue.

Use of cannabis and depression often go hand in hand but it's not clear if the drug use is part of blunting the disassociation caused by depression or a causal input into the depression.

In terms of the latter there has been no clinically proven study (though a link between use and psychosis or schizophrenia has been evidenced), but it's well established that there is a relationship between the two.

Even if cannabis is being used to blunt his depression, it's still not helpful because of its side effects that can include increased anxiety and also the fact it might take the edge off just enough not to seek medical assistance to treat the depression more effectively.

In terms of what you can do to help the answer is bugger all.

He's an adult and has to want to make changes himself.

His father isn't helping by enabling poor choices by letting him live rent free, giving him extra money he then fritters and thus free from consequences.

I've seen many people lost in this haze of cannabis and depression, wasting their youth away.

IME some do change, usually when they stop being enabled or tbh when it stops being "fun" being a waster. Hitting 35/40 when all your friends have moved on with life and you're no longer someone they want to hang out and chill with can be a wake up call.

He doesn’t have a partner right now. This has been part of the issue. He had the same girlfriend for 9years they split a couple of yes back ( I think she got fed up of waiting for him to grow up).

Your problem is your husband
Followed by weed
Followed by lack of ADHD diagnosis
Followed by you being overinvested.

Dad isn’t my husband, we separated in 2001.
but I agree with your other points. We have have over indulged him.

He’s also quite manipulative so if we try to exert tough love he will suggest he’s going to ‘disappear’ which of course means we immediately back off

Which he knows from experience is the best way to achieve the outcome he wants.

I've posted before about a family member with MH issues who had the whole family accommodating their every need (even in situations like weddings/major birthdays etc when they were far from the star of the show).

Everyone tiptoed around them so as not to impact their MH. Thing is it didn't help. Every accommodation didn't improve their MH (or their willingness to get better help/treatment and engagement) it just made everyone else's life pretty miserable.

Upshot is there was an incident which simply broke the camels back and it was clear that their MH issues, whilst genuine were being used to manipulate and exercise control over others.

They didn't want to get better, because that would take away the "reason" why they could expect xyz accommodations/demands etc.

Unsurprisingly (in this case) when the family called time on enabling the behaviour the person actually started to realise that achieving their goals/outcomes meant doing things for themselves and taking some responsibility.

Most MH issues aren't a free pass to behaving badly or refusing to take responsibility for yourself on a long term basis (the expectation being at points of MH crisis/severe episodes).

BreadInCaptivity Thank you for your message. I do feel like that’s the situation here. He 100% has MH issues but also uses those to his advantage when feels like it.
move said to him that he has my support only if he takes much further steps - giving up cannabis, getting a ADHD assessment and engaging with taking therapy. Plus going to work consistently. I do t have much confidence this will work.
his Dad and I don’t talk but I’ll send him a message saying it’s time to stop lending him money and buying him food. I’ll also tell my mum, another enabler 😔

I think that's all you can do.

Be prepared to be criticised for being the "bad cop" not only by your son but by those enabling him.

For reasons I struggle to fathom, some people seem to enjoy being the "helper" even when logically what they are doing isn't helpful and can actually be utterly counterproductive.

You see some really odd co-dependent relationships where keeping the status quo fulfils the desires of both parties to be needed on one side and to maintain control through manipulative behaviour on the other.

They can be quite resentful of people pointing out that this cosy circle of mutual gratification is damaging.

I have a nephew living with me who is a few years younger. He doesn't work, he's on disability. There is no way I would consider kicking a vulnerable person out to sleep on the street (because I know that's what would happen, if not worse. He's not suddenly going to be able to 'get it all together' because support is withdrawn). He is working on his mental health but I know it's going to take time. As long as he's working on it, we'll make sure he has a safe place to live.

There is nothing wrong with conditional support, OP. The conditions we have are that a certain standard of behaviour must be met (no drugs, for example) and that nephew must be taking steps to help themselves. They also do contribute to bills.

Your son sounds just like my eldest son, who has ADHD, anxiety and depression. He works but his wages are always ear marked for some project that he is doing or thinking of doing but I make sure he pays his board so that he knows he has a responsibility. He still lives with me ( he's 27) and his younger brother- we all have ADHD . I have struggled with jobs for years and depression too. Your son needs a formal diagnosis but take a look at
www.additudemag.com/exercise-learning-adhd-brain/

There are lots of great resources on there and you may even find some ways to help him manage things better.

Weed is a huge depressant
He is well enough to go away with mates for a weekend but not well enough to go to work
You are enabling him and doing him no favours

Thank you I really appreciate this. I will have a look at the link tonight.