In laws

[Popcorn2316779]

Long and complicated relationship with in laws. They have previously sent husband vike messages in the past accusing husband of spending all the time with my parents and no time with him. This is untrue. I have invited them around to our house so many times... They either dont show up and dont let me know or just say they dont want to come. Basically they'll only see me and dd5 if my husband is with us.
Last night they sent another abusive message to my husband accusing him of spending all the time with my family and not with his and he didnt care about them and it was making him ill. It was alot worse than this but this was the gist.
Hisband works a 5.5 day week.he has Tuesday pm off and sees them at their house or our house. We then have 1 family day on Saturday to do house diy, meet friends and see my family. For context he has spent time with my family once on the last 5 weeks.
Am i beeing unreasonable to request a meeting with them both to just say back off my Hisband- he works hard for our family and sees them as much as he can or should i just stay out of it. It makes me so angry but i also realise he doesn't wnat to cut his parents off. Advice please x

Personally I would consider blocking them on dh's phone before he has a break down.

What does he want to do?

I think he just gets fed up with the drama. Hes an only child so feels like he should support them. He just cannot see them anymore and I've invited them around to see me and dd5 in the week after school or on the days in holidays but they just aren't interested

Sorry i meant any more time that he currently does each week

I'd stop offering to go and see them by yourself. They've made it clear they aren't interested. I personally would suggest DH tells them honestly how stressed and hurtful it is if he hasn't done already and let them know he can do that 1 afternoon a week or whatever but if they carry on making it stressful he will have to stop. Then he stops if they make a fuss.

But ultimately its up to him.

He’ll have to deal with this, not you. If you contact them about this they’ll probably go on at him even more.

Stop contacting them in any way.

Your husband has an unhealthy relationship with his abusive parents and desperately needs to speak to someone to support him.

This counselling might help him establish firm boundaries.

They sound awful and I suspect their eventually passing will bring him great relief.

Minimise their contact with your child.

It sounds like your DH is caught in the worst kind of FOG you can imagine. As an only child, he has no siblings to bounce off or even to bounce ideas off.
When I say FOG, I mean the Fear, Obligation and Guilt if he doesn't keep up this 'relationship'.
It's not a healthy relationship by any stretch.

I think you need to sit down with your DH and have a calm conversation with him. Say that you've noticed that he appears to be ill with all the running around after them that he does and you want to help him (not them). You're there for him (not them). What can you do to help him?
Suggest to him that he talks to his parents. Explains to them that he works 5.5 days per week and he doesn't have much time with his own immediate family (i.e. you and your child(ren)) because he is trying to split his time equally amongst everyone and it's exhausting to him so he has to do something.
That something is that he is going to cut back on seeing his parents as often.
Perhaps if they knew that they would see him and their grandchild(ren) for longer than a half day or a few hours, but less frequently, they may be open to that? So once a month, a Saturday or Sunday becomes their day.
They would have to agree that calls between visits will be cut back too.
They can't send out relatives to chew the ear off your DH if he can't make a visit for some unforeseen reason.

Might that work do you think?

Obviously YANBU to be annoyed about the messages and their general attitude but it 100% has to be your DH who takes the lead on pushing back to them in the way he wishes. He could just choose to ignore any text tantrums and if they complain in person have a stock phrase to shut them down.

“I’m not talking about this again Mum, I see you when I can and it’s difficult it’s difficult to enjoy our time together when it comes back to this. How’s Ian next door getting on?”

I’d consider going very LC if I was your DH but that’s got to be his decision.

Am i beeing unreasonable to request a meeting with them both to just say back off my Hisband

Of course this is unreasonable. Your husband is the one who has to manage his relationship with his parents. Talk to him, not them.

Am i beeing unreasonable to request a meeting with them both to just say back off my Hisband

You are not your husband's Supervisor. You are not his Rescuer. He needs to deal with this himself.

If your inlaws are so against you that they won't visit, why do you think they'd respond to your summons? Why would they listen to you? Even if you could make them attend, how do you think they'd respond to you ticking them off like you are their headmistress? They won't see anything wrong in their behaviour. All they will do is be unpleasant, blame you for it, & give your husband an even harder time for your interference.

Your husband is trapped in the FOG with his family - outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro
All you can do is support him in detaching from his enmeshment with him - & help him understand the dynamic more clearly by reading up about it together.

Thank you everyone i will follow what you've said

So is the issue they want to see you on Saturdays, your one day off today? Or are they suggesting something else like evenings during the week?

*one day off together