AIBU to be a slave to nap time?

[CluelessMummy19]

My LO is 4 months old and has been a terrible sleeper from birth. He fits all of the criteria for a “high needs baby”. He’s intense in every sense of the word and people have always commented when meeting him “oh my gosh, he’s so alert!” since birth.

We resorted to cosleeping at 2 weeks old, which we’re still stuck doing as he still wakes hourly (I hate cosleeping but don’t know how to stop!). He’s also always been a bad napper. From about 4 weeks old, he would only nap in a sling/carrier with white noise blaring. At that age, the sling/carrier worked alright on the go as long as I played white noise at the start of the nap or there was traffic noise. He’s only fallen asleep in his pram once and not without hysterics and white noise first. However now at 4 months, he’s even more alert and the world is far too exciting for him to switch off and fall asleep when out and about. Most naps (4-5 per day) are still in the sling at home with white noise. I try to stick to recommended wake windows too, which are pretty bang on with his sleepy cues but he still likes to put up a fight. I’m trying at least one nap a day in his bedside crib now (which has been a storage container until now) but it’s hit or miss whether they work. When they do, it only ever lasts 30 mins whereas I can extend his naps more easily in the sling.

My trouble is, I’ve stopped attending baby groups because if he was tired, he’d be unbearable. Other Mum’s in baby yoga would gently rock their babies and place them on the mat in front of them and continue with the class but I can’t exactly do yoga in a sling. I’m finding it hard to meet up with my Mum friends as well who have very easy babies or babies that at least sleep ok out and about. I feel like they don’t understand why I’m such a slave to the naps and they probably think I’m mental. I get so anxious if he doesn’t get good naps in because he’s soo miserable by the end of the day if he’s only had 30 min naps all day.

AIBU to be such a nap slave? I don’t want to be. I feel isolated and miserable but I don’t know how else to do it. For those with bad nappers, how did you do it? Any tips? He’s started naturally getting into a bit of a routine now too so I’ll feel even worse if a nap clashes with a meet up. Helppp!

Can you just go along for a bit with him in the sling? Even if you don’t join in?

I can understand being a “nap slave” if that works for you, but equally if you feel isolated and miserable, it’s not working well.

Ultimately it’s completely up to you!

It's up to you to do whatever works for you and your baby.

Can you make plans that suit you - eg at your house where you can disappear off for a bit to put him to sleep?

Do whatever works best for you and your baby, they're all different.

I will say though, IME it gets so much easier when they get a bit older and can handle more awake time, and naps get fewer and more predictable. Hang in there! You sound like a great mum focusing on what works best for your son

OP, you're actually making the problem worse for yourself because you're making sure you do everything to 'optimise' the chances of DC having a nap.

In doing this, you're actually reinforcing the 'need' for these ideal conditions.

Babies can, and do, sleep anywhere, and will sleep through most noises too. But they need to learn how to do so by being put in that scenario ? Your DC cannot 'learn' something they never actually experience ?

Some babies are simply 'better' at sleeping/napping than others. Lots of babies don't nap during the day because they're sleeping longer periods at night, but this varies for every baby. Generally, you're looking to reduce daytime naps to promote longer night time sleeps.

Using a sling and white noise works for you now, but in the long run it's problematic, because DC will grow very heavy, very quickly, and you can't stay at home all day to fit round nap times either.

I'd stop using the sling in the house, and gradually reduce the white noise over a few weeks. You could try other things like a swing seat to mimic the 'movement' maybe ? (I'm sure lots of MN's will give you ideas of things to try)

For 'white noise' walking DC in their pram so they have 'movement' and 'white noise' with hearing traffic might be good too, and you could always plan to walk to yoga etc, so that DC should sleep before the class etc

You will find what works for you and DC, but you need to persevere with gradually dropping the rigid need for the sling plus white noise, because it's actually stopping you living how you want to and getting out and social, which is necessary for both you and DC.

If he sleeps in the sling why are you tired to the house so much?

At that age DD wasn’t really a pram napper but I would walk the long way before meeting up with other mums so that I knew she slept on the way and would be in a better mood for the class/cafe etc. I would do the same on the way home.
If we met up for lunch or something it wasn’t uncommon for people to do laps around the block with the pram or baby in a sling so they would sleep then come back.

Obviously it’s up to you and what works for you but being a slave to naps and barely leaving the house for 4/5 naps a dap sounds lonely and miserable to me.

Yanbu, my baby was the same.
she wouldn’t feed or sleep when out and about. If we had a day like that she would scream and scream and scream all evening and all night.
for my own threadbare sanity we had to be slaves to routine and feed at home at least.
She was also a high needs Velcro babywho didn’t sleep more than an hour at a time and very very alert with it.
Stick with it, it feels never ending but it did end with time. Whatever works for you and your baby.

Can you meet up with friends for a walk and coffee in a park so that you can chat as you walk along with baby in a baby carrier?

YANBU. A lot of people won’t understand because it’s impossible to understand until you’ve had a baby like that. Mine was never contented at that age.

My advice to you is do whatever you need to do to get through the next couple of months.

And then sleep train at 6 months. We did Ferber method (read the book - don’t just use the charts online). Literally life changing overnight.

I was very careful not to be unduly quiet when my kids napped because I remember so many babies needed absolute quiet. I also manipulated their tired times to suit our schedule. I have 4 kids so they had to fit in with school and nursery and playgroups.

Playgroups and activities are great for kids who need stimulation because they get so much out of it.

@oobeedoobee I worry that you’re right but it can be scary taking the risk. I think he would eventually fall asleep out and about from being exhausted but it would take ages and would only be with hysterics first (he can sound like he’s being tortured when hysterical - he really goes to town) and it would only be a short nap as he struggles to link sleep cycles when there’s too much going on. He gets serious FOMO.

@luxxlisbon I used to be able to go out with him in the sling easily but as he’s got older and more alert, he wakes more easily by random loud noises - E.g if a loud truck went past. He then won’t go back to sleep due to FOMO. He used to be asleep in the carrier by the end of the road, but now he’ll want to look around at everything for a good half an hour before giving in, even if it’s his nap time and he’s tired before I leave. As most things are about a half an hour walk away, it means he misses a nap.

I've been a nap time slave with both of mine as it worked for them. It's not forever and you'll have years to take them to groups and activities after the naps stop.

@SalviaOfficinalis I’ve always been anti sleep training but I’m starting to consider it at 6 months if things don’t naturally improve (which I doubt they will!). Did you have a high needs baby? I’ve read sometimes they can be hard to sleep train as they’re so sensitive. How long did it take to work for you?

@Musti How did you manipulate their naps? Any tips? Did they not get grumpy if you cut a nap short?

Stick to your nap routine but definitely keep trying the cot, 4-6 months is where they really learn sleep habits and how to self settle, it will pay off in the future! You will be able to do more out and about with them as the naps become fewer in a couple of months. The better you work on the naps in the cot, the more chance of them being able to sleep through the night on their own. Good luck!

I was anti-sleep training too, before it became my only option. And I’m so glad we did it. My DS is now 18 months and just goes in his cot at 7pm, is asleep before I get downstairs, and he wakes up at 7.15am.

Friends with easier DC who didn’t sleep train are still battling bedtimes with their toddlers and awake in the night.

My DS would wake every 35 mins all night. In the first night we sleep trained he woke just twice for feeds. After a couple of months we reduced to one feed and by 9 months we had no wake ups and no feeds.

The first night it took 20 mins for him to go to sleep - we went and comforted, picked up, put down every 2-5 mins. Second night took 10 mins to go to sleep, and then after he just went to sleep! I couldn’t believe it.

You could literally be describing my 4 month old.

I refuse to be a slave to naptime, I've seen friends do it and it creates so much anxiety.

I just keep trying to put him down when he falls asleep. Sometimes he stays asleep, sometimes he wakes up immediately with the FOMO thing. I found that the more I put him down the more often he stayed asleep.

If he's getting tired and ratty I walk him round the house quietly until he falls asleep or take him out in the pram. His screaming gets to me less outside and I found that often he will scream just before he then falls asleep.

It's hard, but you've just got to do what works best for the two of you.

Good luck!

I found the gentle sleep book helpful with my baby. And a giant brimmed hat to stop him being a distracted so he'd nap better in the carrier.

I feel your pain, I have a high needs child and as she was born in lockdown, we never HAD anywhere to go so she always slept on me or co sleeping in bed. I then become convinced that would be the only way she could sleep.

And sometimes it was. But we survived the fallout.

And sometimes she slept! On a bus home, or a train. If you don't expose them to the opportunity, they will never learn.

4 months is still so young - dont feel like you have to drag yourself out to classes either! I hated them for ages as DD was never like all the other chilled babies playing with the sensory scarves - she chose violence.

I could have literally written that post. I'm in the exact same situation. Same age, same struggle.

I have an older son that was a bad sleeper too but not to this extent. And sleep training worked quickly on him This one only sleeps if he is held and he is so much more resistant to the sleep training.

He loves the sling, my back not so much. I used to walk outside all day long but with the cold weather I'm considering buying a walking pad.

I don't think people can understand. I want to put him down but it's hard to spend 30min to put him to sleep for him to wake up 20min after being put down, over and over again. It's hard the first time, it's hard the fifth time it's unbearable the fifteenth time. He is so stubborn and will go with no sleep for hours and hours (6/8+ hours) without sleep if I don't actively make him sleep and actively keep them asleep. And he gets so over tired and screams so much. Nothing can calm him back down other than the sling or breastfeeding. But he will still wake up if I put him down, and the cycle continues...

I'm really hoping he will grow out of it.

I had a high maintenance baby and baby groups saved my sanity. I demand fed so if she was grumpy out that would settle her.

Dd hated the pram facing me but about 4 months we reversed it and she loved it - nosy child wanted to see where she was going! Neither of mine had set schedules and we co slept, this worked for me and maintained my sanity

Before kids I would have said yabu but post kids...yanbu! That quiet time is precious when you are exhausted and baby will soon drop naps and it will have less impact on your life x

YANBU, my first was the same. I would go out to lunch with friends and their babies would all fall peacefully asleep in their buggies while I had to pace up and down with mine to stop her screaming constantly. It will change soon, my DD started doing these amazing naps in the cot around 6-7 months where I'd get a whole 2 hours of down time at home so it was really worth sticking to a routine for those.

Was confused by this suggestion as I thought you meant you wore the wide brimmed hat 😆

@CluelessMummy19 , I would really say that no one hears your baby crying as loudly as you do. Your friends won’t care if he cries so don’t let that stop you getting out of the house.

Also don’t mind what people think. If you need to walk around with white noise on your phone then so be it.

Sleep training would help too at 6 months, ferber is good!