To want to contact friend against her wishes?

[IAteAllTheBananas]

Please don’t put this on Facebook mumsnet!! I have a friend who I have known around 4 years. She was very difficult to work out at first as she’d be fine one minute and then ignoring and avoiding me the next. I would think she had simply gone off me so would back off from her but then she would send me a lovely gift in the post out of the blue! I’d message her and thank her and she would be absolutely fine again with no mention as to why she’d been avoiding me etc. over time I learnt about her past and it became very obvious as to why she found relationships/friendships difficult so I was able to see past the flakey behaviour etc. she’s a lovely person and will go out of her way for you but at the same time, won’t want to actually chat to you - an example of this was that she saw something I’d love, bought it and then drove nearly two hours to deliver it to my house but specially came on a day when she knew I wouldn’t be in. I found it in my shed, messaged to thank her and she refused to take any money for it despite it being close to £100. She also baked me a cake for my birthday, came over for coffee and a chat but then when I asked for her address so I could send her something for her birthday she ignored me.

Anyway, I’ve just got used to her over time and try to be understanding as to why she’s the way she is.

Now, she’s completely gone off the radar. She’s deleted her social media and is no longer answering messages. I’ve pieced together a few things and I suspect she may have done something she is ashamed and upset about (nothing illegal and something others do without a second thought but something she will be ashamed and upset about, if this is the case she will be thinking everyone will judge her for it).

I’ve tried messaging her, emailing her, ringing her etc … no answer.

Would it be unreasonable of me to tell her I think I know what has happened and I don’t want to judge or know the details, I just want to be there for her as a friend? Or is this a terrible idea? She’s a lovely person deep down and I’m struggling to ignore the fact that she is isolating herself and probably struggling. She doesn’t have friends or family. She has a son but they don’t talk. I just want to be there for her but she keeps everyone at arms length :-(

She doesn't want to be contacted. Don't contact her.

You've made it clear you'd love to hear from her; she's made it pretty clear that she doesn't want to be bothered at the moment.

Don't tell her you've been investigating what she might (or might not) have done. That's creepy.

I'd leave if for a couple of months and then breezily try again: don't dwell on everything the the past, just ask her over for lunch or whatever.

You can't pin these kinds of people down.

It's a terrible idea, she'll think that you are after gossip, or people are gossipping. You could send a happy/positive text on bonfire night, the Advent, then over Christmas. She then knows that you are thinking about her.

I haven’t been investigating her, it’s certain things that have been said and done in the past few weeks that, when reading between the lines suggest a certain outcome.

I just hate the thought of such a lovely person struggling on her own :-( but you’re right, she’s an adult and I have to respect her wishes. I just wish I knew she was ok at least.

You HAVE to respect her wishes. It sounds like your relationship is entirely on her terms though, and that's not one that I would be comfortable with. If you are, then you must always be prepared for periods of no contact.

She's made it clear she doesn't want to be contacted so I'm unsure why you want to keep persisting. I think you need to learn some boundaries.

I can sympathise with your friend (although probably don't struggle to the same extent as her). I think you sound like a wonderful understanding friend OP. I would definitely advise against telling your friend that you've guessed what's going on. If she's feeling intense shame being aware that someone has noticed even if that person is completely non-judgemental would be absolutely awful. That said when I isolate myself due to shame having someone show persistence and compassion is incredibly helpful so checking in with her in a non-demanding way is a lovely thing to do. Just let her know you care for her and are thinking about her without making any demand for a reply.

Being in a friendship with a drama Queen is exhausting, she sounds like she is one. Leave her alone and when she re-appears, take a step back.

I wouldn't tell her you think you know what she's done, but I think it's ok to message her once every couple of weeks or so. So that she knows you're there when she's ready to re emerge.

I'm sorry OP, I don't understand. You haven't heard from her but things have been said in the last few weeks? So you have heard from her?

I wouldn't tell her what you think you know, but personally (and this is probably bad advice) but I would make every possible inroad to seeing her in person and say to her friend I'm very worried about you, you don't need to tell me what's gone on but I need to know you're ok. See how she reacts to that but this is a very one way friendship all on her terms and I don't know if I could maintain it after this. Is it worth the worry.

I had a family member who would go to ground and isolate themselves when the shit hit the fan then just reappear when it was all fine again. I couldn't cope with the worry every time so... Eventually I stopped caring.

All the best op

This. She sounds absolutely batshit.

I agree with this

stuff that was said and done before she disappeared

Thanks everyone. I’ll leave her alone for a few weeks, it’s her birthday in December so I’ll send her a card and a note to say hope all is well and I’m thinking about her in a few weeks. Just hope she’s ok

The dynamic before she went awol would have made me very uncomfortable and I’d have backed away. I’d definitely be giving her a wide berth now. Everyone’s got their issues but she’s chosen not to let anyone get close which probably isn’t helping her but it’s her choice. Invest in other relationships where you get a bit more back.

Perfect with her birthday coming I'd say you want to catch up near then, let her gradually calm down for a few weeks.

I'm afraid I can seem hot and cold, for me it's to do with my confidence levels and anxiety. My quietly steady friends are all aware and don't make heavy (mainly urgent as I have to build up to things) demands of me, which I am infinitely grateful for.

How when you don't have her address?

What an odd friendship, where did you meet? How comes you don’t know where she lives?

I do have her address now, she gave me it eventually when she was giving away a wardrobe and I needed the address to go and collect it

It's not a conversation to have now.

When she does emerge and is in a good place, that's the time to bring up that you know her style is to retreat when she is finding things tough, but you are always there if she wants to talk to someone.

I can’t imagine what the shameful thing is, so it’s hard to advise, but I think a card for her birthday saying something you’ll be happy to hear from her whenever she wants or something like that.

I think you're a good friend and she sounds like she tries when she can but isn't capable of providing a "normal" friendship. If you're okay with that then I'd say a Christmas/birthday card would be a nice way of letting her know you're still there for when she comes back. You obviously know her better than anyone on this thread.