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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What should I do about old friend's big birthday - if anything?

17 replies

Unglamorousgranny · 02/11/2022 00:24

We were really good friends for years, but we drifted apart. There was no falling out but we're just not in contact anymore & we've not seen each other for six years. I am still in contact with her mum though. I've been very ill recently and she would have known this from her mum and from Facebook. Not even a get well wish. I visited her mum a few months back and she was invited to join us, but declined with a flimsy excuse, which told me all I needed to know really. I'm fine with it. We had a good friendship, but life moves on.
When it was my big birthday seven years ago she bought me a lovely present and took me out for lunch. I've just remembered tonight that it's her big birthday in a couple of weeks. I feel mean if I dont reciprocate for her big birthday; but it would feel weird asking her out to lunch and getting her a present after all these years. I don't even know her new adress so I'd have to ask her mum, or even if she's having a celebration - that's how much we have drifted apart.

Do I just leave it, send a card, or weirdly do the whole present & lunch thing?

OP posts:
ialwayswantedyoutogo · 02/11/2022 00:30

you’re not friends anymore, it would be weird to do anything

Crazykefir · 02/11/2022 00:35

Just leave it
Or Wish her well on social media or text?
That should be enough.

catandcoffee · 02/11/2022 00:38

Just wondering why you're friends with her Mum ? This seems rather strange does her mum mention her daughter to you .
Just curious really.

Unglamorousgranny · 02/11/2022 00:42

@catandcoffee I'm still friends with her mum as she lives in the same village as me & I see her around. If she didn't live near me I doubt we'd still be in contact

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/11/2022 01:07

ialwayswantedyoutogo · 02/11/2022 00:30

you’re not friends anymore, it would be weird to do anything

Agree. Let it go.

catandcoffee · 02/11/2022 01:27

Oh I see that makes sense.
As for your dilemma about birthday card /gift
me personally I'd do nothing for her.

You maybe a much nicer person though 😃

Unglamorousgranny · 02/11/2022 01:36

Yes I agree I should just let it go. It was her choice to fade away if I'm honest. I might send a card. She was never that bothered about birthdays & cards though.
I was thinking of the present & lunch more because I felt mean not reciprocating for my birthday rather than actually wanting to treat her. You are all right - the friendship is over, we have moved on & it would feel weird to do anything now. I probably wouldn't know what to say to her anymore

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 02/11/2022 01:43

I visited her mum a few months back and she was invited to join us, but declined with a flimsy excuse

^^ I'm sorry but there is your answer. She no longer wants any contact with you. Its time to let her go.

SnoozyLucy7 · 02/11/2022 03:03

She took you out 7 years ago but hasn’t really been in contact since. You owe her nothing. It’s sad when friendships end, but it takes 2 people to keep that friendship going.

Obki · 02/11/2022 03:30

I wouldn’t even send a card. She has checked out, you do the same by keeping silent.

Kitkatcatflap · 02/11/2022 03:34

Send a card or give the card to her mother to pass on. Some friendships die on the vine, it's sad but it happens.

The opportunity for her to renew the friendship would have been the meet with her mother after you have been very ill but she declined. I agree with the other posters, that tells all.

hattie43 · 02/11/2022 05:16

I wouldn't do anything , you've been ill and she's not made an effort to contact you which says it all tbh .
Friendships do fizzle out as has this one . Time to move on because she has made her choice .

olympicsrock · 02/11/2022 05:25

Either a card or social media message. Definitely not the lunch and gift

ABJ100 · 02/11/2022 05:41

Why on earth would you chase after her when the friendship is clearly over?

Watchkeys · 02/11/2022 05:56

ABJ100 · 02/11/2022 05:41

Why on earth would you chase after her when the friendship is clearly over?

Yes, this. Do you want her in your life, given that she's knowingly left you behind? Do you think she wants anything from you, or that you somehow owe her?

LovedFedAndNoonesDead · 02/11/2022 05:58

She has made no effort to keep in contact in over 6 years and, one occasion she could have politely caught up, she chose to bail with an excuse that was probably deliberately flimsy. I don’t know why you won’t even consider sending a card let alone proposing gifts/lunch etc. If she’s not going to meet you at her own mum’s why do you think she’ll turn up to lunch out?

balalake · 02/11/2022 07:13

Treat it as any other birthday.

Let's stop this 'big birthday' nonsense. It is 24 hours long just like any other.

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