Why do I want to push my therapist away

[doverbeaver]

I've been seeing my counsellor for about a year. I really like her and I trust her. She's kind and she's nice. She's been off sick for a few weeks but she has now contacted me to tell me when she's returning to work and to ask if I want a session.

For context, over the weekend I texted a friend to say I was struggling and wanted to isolate myself. I told my friend I missed being able to go to therapy.

So I expected to feel happy whenever I heard that she was coming back to work. But I don't, not really. Part of me wants to tell her I don't want a session, in fact to tell her that I don't want to go back to her ever (even though deep down I do). I'm generally very caring and sensitive but in a way I weirdly want to "hurt" her by saying I don't want to see her. Not that it would hurt her, because she's a therapist and she's only there because I pay her to be. I think I want to communicate that I don't need her. She doesn't need me. I feel angry. Not angry that she was sick (everyone gets sick sometimes and I was sorry to hear that she was!), angry for some other reason that I'm not sure about.

Can anyone help me understand myself?!

We're you getting into some difficult areas and feel let down by her not being able to do therapy session becuase she was ill? Could also be that therapy is hard and thought going back is daunting. Once routine breaks its hard to go back

Do you feel exposed because she knows a shit tonne about you and you know feck all about her? It is, by necessity, a very unequal relationship in terms of information sharing.

I have two thoughts on this. The first is that the enforced break has perhaps made you realise, if only subconsciously, that you’ve become somewhat reliant upon her and “need” her? I’d reflect upon why you went into therapy, and maybe how this reliance/need relates to the issues you may have brought to your therapy.

Secondly, again subconsciously, you may feel abandoned, despite knowing it wasn’t her choice to be absent. This feeling may also be playing into the issues that brought you to therapy.

Have you been exploring your attachment style with her, and how you were parented?

How much progress do you feel you've made over the last year OP?
Do you think the break has made you reflect on whether you're actually making the level of progress you expect with her?

It sounds like it felt that her being sick was an abandonment of you (even though you knew it wasn't her fault). Do you have abandonment issues perhaps? And now you want to punish her for abandoning you so she feels and understands the hurt you have felt (even though you know this isn't rational as she won't feel it) and maybe that is why you feel angry - because you know you can't make her feel the hurt you've felt.

You're playing out patterns in relationships about how you relate to people .

You're punishing her because she put a boundary in place ... I'm ill I can't see you yet ... on some subconscious level you feel rejected by her .

Maybe think about if you do this in other parts of life or you've witnessed this in relationships growing up .

It would be worthwhile exploring these thoughts and feelings with your therapist.
When I've had therapy in the past, if strong feelings have arisen, I have raised them with the therapist and it's been interesting to explore the therapeutic relationship.

*Subconsciously, you may feel abandoned, despite knowing it wasn’t her choice to be absent. This feeling may also be playing into the issues that brought you to therapy.

Have you been exploring your attachment style with her, and how you were parented?*

This.
I'm not a therapist, but have had counselling in the past, and felt an odd let down at her being off for weeks.

Definitely was {In my case} to do with early loss and attachment in childhood.

Edit ''Felt oddly let down''.

A sudden abrupt desire to quit therapy (especially if thinking “you’re not the boss of me” or similar) is almost certainly subconsciously motivated, perhaps by a subconscious feeling of having been abandoned when she was ill, or a fear of reopening wounds that may have healed a little. I’d encourage you to go back. If it helps, remind yourself that you’re not committed to keep going back forever. See her again, see how it goes, perhaps tell her about all this.

If you do continue your therapy with her, this could be a really important area for you to explore with her. It would take real bravery on your part to tell her all or some of what you’ve said in your original post. But it could be therapy gold. Potentially you could learn so much from it.

But only reveal what you feel comfortable with. Shame is at the heart of many issues that take people to therapy. Sharing more than you feel comfortable with can cause feelings of shame. As a pp said upthread it is a very unique and one-sided relationship as regards disclosure. You need to maintain your own boundary to feel safe and comfortable.

I think it makes perfect sense, you're feeling low and struggling and your brain is telling you to let that take over by isolating yourself from everyone. So you naturally want to push her away to be able to do that because you know she'll get you to process your feelings and thoughts and that can be difficult when you're already feeling like everything is too much energy already. Depression and anxiety literally make you want to do exactly what you shouldn't and stay inside and close the door on the world but you know you get on well, you know you can trust her and you know that long term you'll feel more benefit from attending so you're fighting against that part of your brain. If you can, go to your appointment otherwise it'll be doubly hard to make it to the next one and just be really honest with her about what you've been feeling. She won't get offended and she'll appreciate your honesty. Good luck op it's not easy and fair play to you for taking control back for yourself.

Thanks for your insightful comments, they've been really helpful.

@Choconut's post resonates in particular. I deliberately kept my OP vague/changed some details, but now think it's relevant to share that it was a family member of my therapist who was sick rather than the therapist herself. I think it hurt because a) I feel rejected/abandoned and b) my therapist has other people she cares about who take priority over me (which of course rationally I understand!). But for some reason her taking time off really hurts and feels like it confirms a fear that everyone will always care about others more than they do me. Especially because, as several of you have said about the necessary emotional inequality in the relationship, I have been really vulnerable with her and shared things I haven't shared with anyone else.

Part of me wants her to feel that same hurt, but then I think I'm angry because I can't make her feel it and because I'm powerless to do anything but continue to feel alone and abandoned. And because it feels like while I'm alone, she has this family member she cares about and is looking after. Does that mean I feel jealous?

I think this is all EXCELLENT stuff to talk about in therapy and if she's any sort of decent therapist she'll be expecting it and prepared for it...with ALL her clients as your reaction is actually quite normal.

Try to express to her your feelings without blame but without minimising them.

To the above I would add you may feel a lack of control....and it could be this wish for control also that could lead you not to jump now she is back.

This could open up some real progress for you.

She will lose clients because not everyone will be able to deal with their abandonment and control issues....she will know this.

If you can make a tiny step in that direction, knowing it feels uncomfortable, I suspect you will be pleased.

These are all the feelings that I have felt in therapy. Once I turned up early for an appointment and saw her previous client, that really threw me! It's a younger part of me that always felt I came last, with family, friends everyone. It's completely understandable and I'm sure nothing that your therapist would be surprised to hear.

Breaks can be hard. You are hurt and now there's an offer of reconnection but that comes with risk. If there's another break you will be in the same situation so whilst this isolation isn't beneficial, it's comforting because it's known and you are in control of it. You decide when it ends, if ever. The need to rely only on yourself especially when you have felt let down by others can be very strong.

I would echo everything pineappleskies said.

The therapeutic process isn’t solely the time you spend in the room with your therapist. Good therapy should sit with you once you leave the room, and the feelings of abandonment you’ve identified are, I would suggest, a real opportunity to explore that part of you should you return.

As has been said, your therapist should be anticipating the reactions of her clients following the enforced break. There’s ongoing transference and counter transference between client and therapist. I think it would be surprising if, after a year, you didn’t have any feelings about your time apart.

Within therapy there is the concept of therapeutic holding. The therapist physically holds the space/the time to meet with the client. When physically absent they are still “holding” the client. It’s a theory based upon the holding of an individual by the mother and within the family. If your therapy has been good, and it sounds like it has been, then this feeling of being held, being safe, heard, respected etc, will probably have been with you.

During the break this has been lost to an extent, so it’s no surprise you are experiencing the fallout. It’s such a cliche but the whole experience really is a process, and the break has become part of it. Try and go with it, explore it, and see where it takes you.

Yes this makes a lot of sense. Part of the way therapists help you learn to cope with attachment issues is by allowing you to develop a secure, safe attachment with them. If you feel confident enough, it would be appropriate to explore these feelings with your therapist.