Annoyed that it's always me that has to make contact

[billybob4eva]

I'll just preface this by saying my mum is a lovely person.

However, I do find myself becoming annoyed that if I don't text or call her I don't really hear from her.

We were away for half term and saw her before we left. I FaceTimed her with the kids while we were away.

Since we got back she's contacted me once to ask me to sort something out regarding her rental property. Very brief mention of our trip and how the kids are, and only because I made a point of mentioning them.

Had I not it would've just been a monologue about what she needed.

I feel like just leaving her and seeing how long it takes before she makes an effort to contact me, but that feels a bit petty.

This isn't a one off which is why I'm a bit put out. The joke of it all is that my cousin is the same and nerve rings anyone and my mum is the first to say how outrageous it is

Well that escalated rather fast…

This!

Weird

@Vogueing if you were my mother I'd be delighted not to hear from you...

Your mum reminds me of a friend of mine. I'd argue that in some ways her behaviour is ideal from your point of view.

You can call her any time that it suits you to call her and that you want to, but you never have to speak to her when you don't. If she ever does anything nasty or unreasonable and you want to go no cotact you can do so with no guilt because she has been rude to you for years.

I think it's fairly common behaviour tbh but I can't help but find it a bit hurtful.

I love my mum and would never want to be NC.

It would just be nice to feel she has some interest in speaking to me when she doesn't need something

"The joke of it all is that my cousin is the same and nerve rings anyone and my mum is the first to say how outrageous it is "

That is just begging for the "You can talk!" response next time your cousin comes up in conversation!

@WhereYouLeftIt I think she'd be stunned if I pointed out her own behaviour 😂

I know there's no malice in it, but as I say I do find it hurtful.

Her and my cousin always say ooooh well I thought you'd be busy. To which I always respond "well you could contact me and I'd let you know if that were the case!"

Why don’t you gently point it out and how you feel and ask if you can phone her once a week and her you?

My DF is the same. It’s annoying but he’s not going to change.

My mother is like this. It finally got to the point where it was so hurtful I felt I had nothing to lose by having a conversation with her about it. She didn't want to listen and hasn't done a single thing since to initiate seeing me. It has taken me years to accept that despite my best efforts we are never going to be close and she barely knows her grandchildren. It's very sad but I couldn't have carried on without trying to sort it out and, although it was very upsetting at the time, I would do it again because it did then weirdly give me a sense of relief knowing it was never going to change and I was able to step back and let go of my expectations.

I'm sorry for the other posters who've had similar experiences.

It sucks!

My friend had this with her dad and brother. After her mum died they expected her to do all the chasing. One day she snapped and said 'I'm not bothering, we'll see how long it takes them to get in touch.

Her dad died 15 years later, he never did call.

She got back in touch with her brother about 8 years after that (his then wife contacted her actually) and she sees him now, but he's still totally unreliable.

Have a chat with her about the situation.

My DM was the oppisite ringing often which regrettably used to make me feel frustrated with her.

There is a middle ground.

It would be nice if she showed an interest in your life without you having to contact her first.

Your mum sounds like mine.

She moans if I'm not there alll the time but when I do visit she calls her friends or if they ring speaks for ages. Or she'll go through her post, do her knitting (when I do mine it's rude) and on one famous occasion, read a book. And despite deliberately moving round the corner has barely spent any amount of time in my house. When she did she never took her cost off and made sure to have the shopping with her so she simply couldn't stay.

Old people seem to think that manners are for others!

I can't see her improving and would deny she might on a stack of bibles. Perhaps it's a little old lady tning trying to prove she's still important. Either way, you're not alone.