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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I say something?

6 replies

nomorepanicattacks · 01/11/2022 14:53

BIL is doing building work on our house after flood damage. He has a history of huge fallouts with his family and traumatic meltdowns - he has had a difficult life.
He had a row with another tradesman (also working on the house) over a few hundred pounds last week and sent me a text message saying he has left, will not be coming back and would not be continuing with the work because of this row. This caused major stress as it would mean renegotiating with the insurance to give the work to someone else, finding someone else to do the work and living with an unfinished house for even longer. The stress set my panic attacks off again which I had been having since the flood but had stopped a few weeks ago (PTSD related). I was incredibly angry that he would let us down and just send a text message without talking to us about his frustrations.
A few days later he turned up again and started work again as if nothing had happened. He is staying with us while he is doing the building work but just being in the same room as him makes me feel stressed and angry - I could do with some time away to let my emotions settle. Should I tell him how stressed and angry I was (and still am) or leave things be? Telling him would help me to find some inner peace again. However, it might trigger a meltdown for him and then he would probably abandon the building site again. If I tell him how I feel, I would start by saying I understand his frustration with the other tradesman and I value and appreciate the hard work he is putting in to get our house back to normal.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 01/11/2022 15:14

Why on earth did you choose to allow BiL to be the Trade doing this work, when you know he has a history of huge fallouts with his family and traumatic meltdowns?

Keep looking for alternative quotes & talking to your insurers, & sack him for unreliability. Don't worry about him kicking off - he's going to kick off no matter how carefully you try to 'handle' him. He clearly thinks he can waltz in & out as he chooses as he has a 'hold' over you with this work. Remove that hold.

I'm sorry to read about your PTSD btw. It's a bitch to manage, & you don't need a volatile man living with you, creating upset, pissing off other Trades & derailing your work programme.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/11/2022 15:21

Why on earth did you choose to allow BiL to be the Trade doing this work, when you know he has a history of huge fallouts with his family and traumatic meltdowns?

Exactly. This mess was a foregone conclusion. Get a proper tradesman and get BIL out of your house.

nomorepanicattacks · 01/11/2022 15:22

We gave the work to BIL as he is very good at what he does and so many houses were damaged and destroyed in the flood that it would have been difficult to find anyone else to do the work.

OP posts:
nomorepanicattacks · 01/11/2022 15:26

Get a proper tradesman and get BIL out of your house.
In his defence, he is a registered tradesman who does excellent work. No issues with his work, just with his behaviour.

OP posts:
lennylion · 01/11/2022 15:29

Let him finish and then tell him what a cock you think he is?

KettrickenSmiled · 01/11/2022 16:01

With courtesy, @nomorepanicattacks he is not very good at what he does. A large part of what he does is liaising & communicating with other Trades, & he clearly does that very badly.

Don;t give yourself even more anxiety trying to appease him.
You'd be better off waiting a longer time for the job to be done, & hiring someone who knows how to conduct themselves professionally. Especially as you have the bad-tempered git lodging with you while he does the work - that can't be comfortable for you.

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