To use a sperm donor for second child?

[Biologicaldonor18]

I have an eleven month old son - I split with the father when pregnant. Currently he visits most weekends.

Part of me does not ever want another child - it’s hard work raising a baby and I love the idea of being able to focus all of my attention completely on my son.

The other part of me wants my son to have a sibling. I’d love him to have a playmate who is close in age.

I am considering another child via sperm donor. That way my children would be close in age, plus I don’t have the stress of managing two Dads (have a difficult relationship with my sons current Dad and I’d hate to go through that again). However is that unfair on my second baby? I hate the idea of my son getting excited to see their Dad at the weekend and my second child feeling sad watching them go.

Sounds all a bit messy to me.

Agree with this. Not fair on the sperm donor baby. Plus you could eventually meet someone else to make a family with?

This is so true.

You may have to give up your dream of having two children close in age op, but it doesn't mean that your current dc won't be happy, and it doesn't mean you won't have more down the line, in a new relationship.

Part of me does not ever want another child - it’s hard work raising a baby and I love the idea of being able to focus all of my attention completely on my son.

How big a part of you feels this way? Because I wouldn't have another if even 10% of me felt like I didn't ever want another child.

My brother is 18 months younger than me. We fought far more often than we played together.

Just to clarify, we were both boys.

I also have a daughter who is an only child. I think being an only child is a tremendous luxury, for the child. Can never understand the many threads on here that assume having siblings is a benefit to children.

We used a sperm donor via private arrangement, it turned out he was notorious for taking the mothers to court for PR and visitation and we have just had contact from him threatening the same.

They’re probably from people who are close to their siblings. I am, my DC are, and that’s what I see around me.

OP - I have a couple of friends who’ve gone down the donor route, so no issue with it. But in their case friend 1’s DC both have the same donor, and friend 2 just had one child.

I don’t think what you’re doing is in the best interests of your hypothetical second child, at all.

You’re young - there is so much potential for you to go on and have a good relationship with someone else and for the second child to happen organically.

Thanks everyone for your insight and advice! X

Can you afford another child if you're single? Will you be able to save enough for maternity leave?

It’s definitely not something I’d ever consider plus your son is only 11 months old. Even if you got pregnant today that’s a 20 month age gap which is quite close anyway. I reckon, give yourself 18 months to find someone lovely who wants kids and then take it from there. There will be an age gap for sure but maybe you could have two kids close together so three in total?

You are still young. Personally I wouldn’t worry about a big age gap between kids, it can be really lovely. Maybe give it a few years and see how you feel then

Based on your second paragraph OP, I would say don’t do it. 2 is so much harder than 1 as a single parent. I did it and as much as I wouldn’t be without my second, they fight constantly and it’s been stressful.

If you hadn’t said you already find 1 hard, I’d have said go for it.

Give it time. Don't think that having kids closer in age would be better than having them a few years apart.

If you get to mid 30s and you haven't met anyone and you simply can't get another baby out your head, try for donor conceived baby then.

I’d honestly wait. There is nothing wrong with a bigger age gap - in fact it’ll probably be beneficial for you and your current son. Wait until he’s at least 18 months. Who knows what’ll have happened by then. I know it’s hard when you really want another but especially with cost of living right now, try to really focus on this one for now.

If it helps the people I know who are actually close to their sibling are 4/5 years different.

This. Wait until you are in a new relationship for goodness sake.

Wait and see if you meet someone then they'll both have a dad. Children do better emotionally with a bigger age gap.

I think that you should wait a bit longer. I know all too well that it can be hard when you realise your family isn’t going to look like what you dreamed of it to look like so you’re not being unreasonable for feeling sad that your children will not be as close in age as you wanted. Miscarriage’s and other circumstances meant I’m having children a bit later than what I wanted.

I am going to say you should put your child first in this situation, spend your time and effort on them and think about a donor in 2-3 years time. You might have met someone else by then, you might decide to just have one child by then, anything could happen.

It annoys me when people say it to me so please don’t think I’m being funny but you are only young still being late 20’s. You most likely still have 10 years (or even more) of baby making years left in you. I think you should just focus on your little DC right now and worry about a 2nd child in a couple years x

I understand the urge, but I wouldn't go there. You are a very young woman and you don't know what your future holds. Imagine you meet someone in the future and have another child with him. So two children who have two Dads and one in the middle with no Dad in the picture. Try to savour your son's early years and let go of any plans you had about planned age-gaps. Very often, siblings with a larger age gap are closer and more supportive of each other than those very close in age.

I know one person who wanted a second child close in age to her first and so came to an agreement with her first child’s dad that they would have another baby together on the condition that he wouldn’t have to pay maintenance for the second child as it was her who wanted the baby.

Another who went down the sperm donor route as she hadn’t met someone else and didn’t want the age gap to be much bigger, although her older child’s dad isn’t involved anyway.

Another who chose to have a second as a solo parent but I’m not sure which route she went down to achieve it.

They all seem happy with their decisions.

Look at this way: your child already has limited time with his dad. By having another sibling so close in age with no father to help with care, your existing child is going to have to share his one remaining full time parent with the new baby. I’m not sure the benefits of having a “playmate” will outweigh that.

If you’re not absolutely desperate to have a second right away, I’d put your existing child first. There will always be other kids to play with but he only has one mum.

Some of the comments on this old thread are predictably judgemental and misogynistic especially the ones asking what the ex thinks. Who cares what he thinks?! Why should she care what he thinks?! He can do one. If you want a donor kid, have one. They could turn out to be a lovely sibling! Forget the negative nancys here