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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like a terrible mum

14 replies

HaniSoliman · 01/11/2022 10:00

I know I'm in the wrong for this so please don't pile on.

My son is 15, his behaviour recently is challenging as he's started drinking with an older group of friends (16-18) and I don't think they're very good influences on him. His behaviour at school is also poor.

This morning, he was refusing to go to school due to him being ‘tired' I told him if he wasn't going to school I was taking his phone and tried to take it off him, he then hit me so I said something along the lines of ‘if you carry on you'll be just like your dad’ which I know was probably unreasonable, as his dad was abusive towards me (DS didn't witness it as it was from before I got pregnant with him, until I left ex when DS was a 2/3 months old). DS told me to leave him alone so I did and he got ready for school, I tried to apologise but he ignored me and went to school.

I just feel like a terrible mum

OP posts:
PeekabooAtTheZoo · 01/11/2022 10:04

You don't sound like a terrible mum for one offhanded comment in the heat of an argument. It sounds like this might be a good time to get some external support for the situation though as your son is challenging you. Do you live near a family support centre who could maybe help you with setting boundaries and de-escalating these sort of situations?

takealettermsjones · 01/11/2022 10:10

It wasn't a nice thing to say but you're human, we all say things we don't mean when angry etc. You're not a bad mum. What matters now is how you deal with it - when you're both calm, sit down with your son and apologise, make sure he knows it's not something you actually believe.

Where you go from there is harder but I would try speaking to him on a level as though to an adult, ask him for his input about what he thinks is acceptable/unacceptable etc. Make some short and medium term plans e.g. what does he want to do after he leaves school, what does he need to achieve to be able to get there etc. Might help focus his mind a bit.

Also are there any hobbies/sports he does or could be interested in? I've worked with teens in a support setting and those who have a physical outlet are usually happier (obviously generalising a lot, there are exceptions of course).

inappropriateraspberry · 01/11/2022 11:17

Well, it might give him the wake up call he needs. He shouldn't be hitting you!

SecretVictoria · 01/11/2022 11:19

Why would you apologise when he hit you? I’d be down on him like a ton of bricks.

LeMoo · 01/11/2022 11:21

inappropriateraspberry · 01/11/2022 11:17

Well, it might give him the wake up call he needs. He shouldn't be hitting you!

Agreed. It was a harsh but valid thing to say and you're not a terrible mum.

Why are you apologising? You're modelling behaviour that you are at fault for the escalation of behaviour into violence and then abolishing for calling him out on it.

He's sulking. Let him sulk.

LeMoo · 01/11/2022 11:21

*apologising not abolishing

muttondressedasmutton1 · 01/11/2022 11:24

Your son hit you... his dad use to hit you... what you said was true! He will end up like his father if he carries on assaulting you OP.
You spoke the truth! Truth sometimes hurts.
I hope you can both have a chat when he arrives home from school and move forward x

Cheminaufaules · 01/11/2022 11:25

Sounds like what you said to him hit home hard.
It's important that as soon as you see him you explain why you said what you said (heat of the moment, only human, love him and want what's best for him , etc. ) and emphasise that no way is he going to turn out like his dad. Emphasise that you know him and love him, that he's gone off the rails a bit which is entirely normal for most teenagers, but that he is loved by you and is a good person.
Don't focus on him hitting you at the moment. No, he shouldn't have done it. He probably feels ashamed but doesn't have the skills yet to address his feelings.
You sound like a great mom.

Pleasegodgotosleep · 01/11/2022 11:25

Why are you apologising!! He HIT you!!

Keyansier · 01/11/2022 11:25

Did I read this right? Your son hit you, you then apologised and now feel terrible about it?

Good lord.

SlashBeef · 01/11/2022 11:28

Why would you apologise? He hit you.

LeMoo · 01/11/2022 11:28

Keyansier · 01/11/2022 11:25

Did I read this right? Your son hit you, you then apologised and now feel terrible about it?

Good lord.

Yup. This is presumably the behaviour you adopted as an abused wife.

You are no longer a victim of domestic violence.

When he's home, explain that you were mistaken to apologise for his violence and it was totally unacceptable.

LeMoo · 01/11/2022 11:30

Your first reaction was the right one, op, and you need to find more confidence in yourself Flowers

bingotime · 01/11/2022 11:58

muttondressedasmutton1 · 01/11/2022 11:24

Your son hit you... his dad use to hit you... what you said was true! He will end up like his father if he carries on assaulting you OP.
You spoke the truth! Truth sometimes hurts.
I hope you can both have a chat when he arrives home from school and move forward x

And as someone in a similar position I imagine this is your worst fear.

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