To feel guilty for parenting my younger children differently (those with big age gaps!)

[ThisMustBeMyDream]

I have a 20 year old, then a 9 and 7 year old. I was 17 when I had my eldest and had to learn as I went along. There are some aspects of my parenting that I realised I got wrong, some through circumstance, some through choice. I have done them differently with my younger 2. I can't say what things I have done differently as people are bound to be offended, but I feel I am a better parent this time round. I feel like I've had a second chance at parenting. But I feel so guilty! Is anyone else like that?
I feel bad for my eldest that he was basically a crash test dummy in my parenting skills 🥴 .

Why don’t you have a chat with your eldest. Acknowledge your feelings and explain how much you love him and wished you’d been able to give him the same. That will go a long way I should think…

No need to feel guilty. Life changes, we grow, we learn, situations are different, the world is different, so parenting across an age gap will never be exactly the same.

Nothing at all to feel bad about. You can’t change the past, but you can learn from it. Just do your best each day, that’s enough. If they’re all loved then you’re doing just fine.

I could've written your post except for the guilt part.

There's 7.5 years between my eldest and the next one and 10.5 years between my eldest and youngest.

Yes I did parent them differently as you do learn as you go along but massively differently and my eldest absolutely understands.

Another reason I parented them differently is because they're very different personalities, so what worked with one didn't necessarily work with the others.

Sorry, not massively differently.

I have had many a chat with my eldest and explained to him how I feel about certain things. To be fair he is quite happy at how he was parented as his brothers have a much more "sheltered" upbringing. Eg he had an xbox at 8, his brothers have no consoles at almost 10 and 7 and no plans to change that as I realised introducing consoles early wasn't my finest move. It doesn't assuage my guilt though as I still think I wish I'd done it differently first time round!

OP, please try not to feel guilty. The world can change so much in just a few short years, and I bet there are issues now with your minor children that maybe weren't as present when your eldest was the same age!
You've brought up a lovely adult by the sounds of it.

I was thinking this the other day. My oldest is 21 and I have a 10 DS and 2yr old DD.
I definitely feel more present with these two but I put that down to them being very demanding and loud as opposed to my first son being very placid and an easy child
When my oldest got to a teenager he became difficult and lots of chaos ensued. I don't know how we got through it but I did they best I can and tried every day to keep him alive. Luckily he is but I do think what would have happened if I done things differently. Parenthood is all trial and error unfortunately

I think as long as they understand why things are done differently most people feel fine about it.

I'm an older mother. I love it in many ways, but also feel that if I had had my kids younger, my children would have benefited from having younger grandparents around, more years with me and their father, and so on. Your older child will have that. They also benefited from getting your undiluted attention when growing up, rather than having to compete with a sibling of a similar age. Why not think of things that way? These things have a way of balancing out.

Yes, you're right, I suppose I should try and see the benefits for him. He was very sheltered at school by having his grandma as his headteacher (although I'm pretty certain he didn't like it!). It meant that he got lots of help with his work as she always wanted him to be the model pupil (as she did me, I went to her school when she was a teacher there!). Despite the rocky teen years he has made it through and this year has gone off to uni with a good head start in his bank balance thanks to getting a well paid job (for a teen!). He hasn't done badly in life. I'm just not sure how long it will take for him to come back to me. He was very sweet natured as a kid. He has hardened through his teen years. I hope he will see that I did the best I could with what I had at the time. Will he resent having to work through college and uni when his younger siblings may not need to. Will he resent the fact that they will get more financial help at a younger age than he did? I'll be a younger grandma if he has kids at the age most men seem to - late 20's/early 30's, I won't be able to help with childcare regularly, where as the younger one's I may have retired by the time they have children. I guess I'm just overthinking really...

Of course you changed your parenting style and attitudes between the ages of 17 and 28. Who wouldn't? When we know better we do better. All parenting is a long term learning experience and I often think people do much of their learning on the eldest child regardless of age gap. There are very often changes in parental attitudes between oldest and youngest for example. Sometimes amongst friends and family I hear an eldest child told off for something along the lines of ',you should know better' when a youngest child of the same age would be laughed at and indulged with oh ...he's only little. Life's a learning experience so if you hadn't changed anything 11 years further down the line you wouldn't have learnt much op.
You sound very thoughtful and the older your son gets, I'm sure the more he will understand what a good job you made of things, especially for your age at the time. You can be proud that he is off to university and you've looked to his interests even though you've had two much younger children to think of as he was growing up. 💐