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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my ex husband being unreasonable

14 replies

Happylove1 · 31/10/2022 19:18

I share 3 DC with my ex husband Lottie (16) Nate (15) and Seb (12). (not their real names just nicknames)

Me and him split up 10 years ago so the kids were very young. We had shared custody of Lottie and Seb as Nate has additional needs that my ex husband didn’t think he could care for (basically would of cost him a bit of money which he had but he couldn’t be bothered). Visits with the other two kids ended after he moved far away (about 6 hours away) so I’ve mostly had full custody of the kids apart from the occasional weekend stay once every 2 years.

I have been together with my DP for about 6 years now and are recently married and has an amazing connection with the kids.

Now my ex is back in the picture and has moved into a house a few doors down!!! We had a quite nasty divorce so why he thought that was a good idea I do not know. He has moved in with his new partner and his two young kids. He has just invited us all to his house for dinner am I unreasonable to say no to this?? Lottie and Nate are not interested in going but Seb wants to go. I think Lottie and Nate remember how he was when they were kids whereas Seb was so young he mostly has happy memories. Can I say we don’t want to go?? Do the kids have to go as we basically have joint custody (we haven’t had much intervention from court as it’s been fine for so long and I don’t want to put the kids through all of that)

I know we can’t avoid him for ever and of course I don’t want the kids (especially Seb) to not have a relationship with him but does this dinner idea seem ridiculous to any one else especially after our horrible divorce and no contact within 3 years??

OP posts:

Namechangeghjycv · 31/10/2022 19:50

The driving force behind this is his new partner, not him. It would be quite surprising to find he had genuinely turned over whole new leaf rather than just wanting her to think he had.
If I were you I wouldn't go and I would let the kids do what they wanted to do. I wouldn't collude with him pretending to be a good guy.

RFPO77 · 31/10/2022 19:55

Nothing good can come of this, keep your distance and don't engage. Only a proper wierdo would want to live a few doors down from their ex spouse/ exes spouse. Whatever dysfunctional crap they've got going on set the boundaries and bow out of it now. There's no need for you to have any contact with your ex now, the kids are old enough to maintain their own relationship with him if they want to 💐

autienotnaughty · 31/10/2022 19:56

I wouldn't go unless the kids really wanted me to. Kids I'd let them decide. It's likely new partner wants to get to know them.

XmasElf10 · 31/10/2022 19:57

No - I wouldn’t go… yuck yuck! The kids are old enough to express a preference so I’d let him see whichever kid wants to see him but might make sure they have reasonable and low expectations.

ihatethefuckingmuffin · 31/10/2022 20:00

I wouldn’t go to the dinner.
The dc’s are old enough to decide if they want to see him or not.

GinIronic · 31/10/2022 20:07

No way. You are not friends and your life isn’t a cosy soap opera. This invite is driven by his new partner. They are looking for childcare or babysitting from you or your DC. No chance.

StripeyDeckchair · 31/10/2022 20:19

I respond with a No saying

Whilst we will always have our children linking us, our relationship is way in the past and I have no desire to be friends with you. Our children are now of an age and maturity to decide what relationship yhey want to have with you, so I will leave it up to them to decide when to visit and have meals with you.

Obki · 02/11/2022 03:18

No, I wouldn’t go.

Sounds like he wants to be Disney Dad now that the child rearing has all been done by you.

Aprilx · 02/11/2022 03:22

I wouldn’t go. But I think all three of your children are old enough to decide for themselves.

SuperCamp · 02/11/2022 05:45

😂 at Norinie

knittingaddict · 02/11/2022 07:09

You definitely don't have to go and I wouldn't if I were in your shoes. None of the children have to see him either. The older ones can make up their own minds and no court would make them go. I suppose the youngest can go if he wants to, but I would keep a watchful eye on that.

Comtesse · 02/11/2022 07:15

How truly bizarre - to ignore for years then just pop up down the road. Playing happy families now is not really necessary.

knittingaddict · 02/11/2022 07:17

The op hasn't been back in two days and hasn't responded at all to the replies.

Original poster

Happylove1 · 02/11/2022 21:05

@knittingaddict I’ve had a busy few days with the kids going back to school and all on top of all this drama….

Ex has since again contacted me this time knocked on the door when I was out so DP answered and there was a bit of an altercation that occurred. Seb has decided to go tomorrow night which I am going to support his choice but I am getting my sister to take him so she can keep an eye on him. Since his dad moving back Nate has been very angry and is getting into quite a bit of trouble at school and I want to help him so much but I feel so helpless. There’s nothing I can do about this is there??

OP posts:

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