DS aggressive at nursery

[ohnou]

DS has been very aggressive at nursery today. Kicking/ hitting children and not listening to staff when they were trying to get him to stop doing it.

He's almost 3. They say he likes a little tumble with kiddies, but usually it's within normal range.

I've observed him and he does sometimes tumble around inappropriately with children at soft play etc. I tell him to stop doing so and remove him etc.

He hasn't done it in my presence in anger, it's more how he plays, which is inappropriate. I'm not surprised that he has become angry and kicked / hit other kids. At home he does throw stuff in anger when he can't get his way and kicks his legs out when he's having a tantrum. So I can imagine him doing similarly at nursery, although I've never seen it myself.

Can anyone help ? I'm very concerned. Why would he do this ? Have we done something wrong ? How can we support him ?

He doesn't always listen when I tell him to stop doing something, he's very defiant.

Anyoooonee? Very worried

I mean there’s not too much you can do - he isn’t doing it when you’re there. Maybe look at a book like ‘hands are not for hitting’ and talk about kind hands etc. If the nursery bring it up again maybe just be honest and say ‘yes that’s really concerning, what do you follow at nursery when he does this?’ Realistically they should be looking at a behavioural plan and supporting him so they can spot the triggers/support him while playing and prevent this for all the kids.

We spoke about what they do and what I do at home when he's angry and throws stuff etc. they said they'll try and use the same techniques I use at home because he doesn't listen when they try their techniques there. I just hope he's OK. I wonder why he's doing it.

He's doing it because he's 3. Because at that age they are still learning. Because at that age they can't control emotions. Because they are 3.

Make sure you and the nursery are using the same techniques when he's too rough and, at home, reinforce the behaviour with books and/or games that model good behaviour.

It's perfectly normal behaviour for a child his age. Don't stress as it's not helpful, just have some strategies ready, he will learn and mature soon enough.

Given that he doesn't listen when you tell him nor when nursery tell him, I would say that either you all need to be more consistent in your reaction and perhaps be very firm even when there is an escalation. He needs to know that being physically aggressive will result in the same response in both settings.

My son was like this at nursery (he started at 3) and still occasionally lashed out at school when he started there. It was a real shock and very upsetting as we’d seen nothing like it at home at all. He’d always been a very gentle boy. In his case I think a lot of it was stress and anxiety presenting as aggression. Mostly because of covid rules he hadn’t been around a lot of other kids between around 18 months and when he started nursery and he’s quite a sensitive, introverted kid so I think the busy room, all the social demands, needing to learn to share, and missing mummy combined to make him feel really freaked out. Other kids cry, he lashes out. It’s not ideal and it was hard to manage because initially at least it just wasn’t happening at home. It did, after a few weeks, spill over into the home environment, partly, I think, because I had another baby which was tough for him, but mostly I suspect because he was finding nursery so hard and at first they managed it poorly and made it worse. I was tied up with the baby and I just don’t think DH was really on top of what was going on. I feel really sad that I didn’t know how bad things had got for him and I wish I’d asked for a meeting much sooner. So my advice would be — meet with the staff and ask what they’re doing to help him manage his emotions better. I’d hope to see things like lots of praise for anything good he does, social stories and role play to help him learn about gentle behaviour, maybe visual cues rather than just spoken instructions. Ask what the triggers are. Does it happen more around very busy, chaotic times? Are there specific kids he’s clashing with? And check that his key worker is on top of things. Stepping in early, when tempers are rising but no one’s boiled over yet is really important, and not all staff are as good at doing this as others. When my son got a new key worker — older, very experienced, really sensible and kind — things improved drastically. Finally, don’t punish him at home for what he does at nursery. Affection and reassurance and a positive ‘have a super day, I’m looking forward to hearing about how kind you’ve been!’ goodbye at drop off are the way to go. I know it’s tough but I really don’t think it’s anything you’ve done wrong. Good luck!

Thank you for your advice. I'll ask them all these questions. Especially around triggers. They were asking me what's happened, because he's been off for a week or so and just came back, so they were trying to figure out whether something has happened in that time which may have caused today's behaviour.

Regarding your son, he sounds sweet at home and gentle. I wouldn't describe my son like that. He has his moments, where he can be very sweet and caring. But generally he's more defiant, throws himself on the floor / throws stuff in anger when he can't get his way.

He doesn't hit us and I've not seen him hit other children. Sounds like there's more to come. I don't think he likes nursery that much, well, he cries every time he does and if you ask him if he wants to go, he always says no. He never talks about it either.

I'm changing nurseries soon anyway for him.

I get very alarmed and stressed quickly when I hear these things. But I suppose I need to keep calm. I just want him to be happy and I want to help any way I can of course.

Of course you just want him to be happy! It sounds like he’s just learning to manage his frustration and anger, and obviously there will be more of that in the nursery environment. Aside from the tantrummy stuff at home — study sounds well within normal limits to me! — do you have any other concerns about his behaviour or development? If not I’d put this down to his age and to the fact that he’s not that happy at his nursery. Tough for you, because you love him and you worry, but really not that unusual.

Which, not study. What a weird autocorrect.