I feel like a shit mum

[Mariahdefrostingaswespeak]

Didn’t have that before until this year, I wasn’t smug, but I was ok, I felt I was doing a pretty ok job and even though things got hard at times, I could cope.
Dd turned 4 over summer, I’m really beginning to dread waking up to face another day. She’s part time pre school and on holidays at the moment. She doesn’t listen to what we say, shouts back, sometimes hits or throws, cries etc…nothing is easy, not one thing. I’ve held off from many play dates, which I used to love with friends I really like, as it’s just too much hassle. There can be huge meltdowns, where I have to take her home or some kind of incident. I’m just exhausted and sick of every day being like this, weekends are the same and Dh feels the same too, we’re both a wreck. We’ve tried everything with her. We obviously love her so much, but family life just isn’t enjoyable at all anymore. It seems like things have changed and she’s really changed in the last 8 months or so, especially since she started pre school in September. I’ve never sure if I’m being too soft, or too strict…it just feels like I’m always trying to override her at the moment, I feel a bit ashamed of her behaviour as didn’t raise her to be rude and like this. Don’t know where I’m going wrong 😔

At this age I would begin every outing with expectations.

We are meeting friends at the park, if you play nicely and leave when I ask we’ll do x when we get home.
If you are mean - then we are going straight home.

Ask her to repeat what you’ve said.

Then stick to your guns. You don’t need to engage other than a reminder - I said we would leave if you play up - we are now going home.

You’ll see a huge difference once she’s clear on expectations -

Do this at home - if they get ready for bed when asked they choose the story. Or get two stories etc

@Allsnotwell I do all this…

Mine was an uttef horror, always felt like it was my kid who was 'the one'. I stuck to firm bou daries and expectations and as soon as she negan school she became another child completely. Please don't loose heart or hope OP, this too really shall pass.

It’s interesting that this developed since she started preschool. I hesitate to overdiagnose remotely, especially on the basis of one internet post, but have you considered that she may be autistic?
Girls are much harder to diagnose, as they are much better at “masking” the behaviour, but the strain of having to do this all day at preschool may lead to meltdowns when she is back in her safe space with you. Autistics are often stressed in unfamiliar surroundings, or with other people, like on play dates.
The other possibility is that she is having a delayed “terrible twos” phase. Some parents think they have escaped it, as their toddler was beautifully behaved, only for the tantrums and defiance to appear belatedly at 3 or 4.

I'm a little curious about when you say you're constantly trying to override her. At that age especially with going to preschool she's gaining lots of independence and that can make her reassess how she feels about boundaries. I'd try giving her more choice (controlled choices for example pick out 2 weather appropriate outfits and let her choose what she wears) and maybe try teaching new skills at home like doing things for herself and ask her if she wants support before going in to help. There will be times when the answer is and has to be no and in those moments all you can do is be firm, explain why, recognise her feelings about it and move on. You could also maybe do some work with her around emotions and try to help her expand her language around emotions so she can communicate what she's feeling rather than going straight into meltdown. I think it's a phase they all go through and they are learning and processing so much with school etc it's natural that she wants to push boundaries and will get overwhelmed and can't regulate herself. It will get better you just need to survive it!!

@Babdoc Its been before pre school, probably worse from around last spring, although the last month or so has been bad in terms of her shouting at us etc. She’s only there three mornings per week and is on holidays at the moment and hasn’t been and is still the same 🤷🏻‍♀️I can’t work it out

@Cw112 She’s really independent and has been for a long time, happy for her to make lots of choices and do lots herself…she makes her own breakfast/lunch sometimes, has been getting ready independently for a long time, she has a lot of leeway in this. It’s when it something she * Can’t do…wanting sweets before bed for example or watching more tv when she’s watched enough that day and so on

Sounds similar to my DD tbh.

Sounds like you need to give her more autonomy... And that means literally jam or peanut butter in her sandwiches. Park or colouring.

At that age they need to make decisions... But stuff that's not impacting on you, the adult, negatively.

If you do something and it ends in tears, don't do it again. Just keep things simple and low key.

I'd put her in preschool for full days, sounds like she needs the structure and to learn about expectations.