Friend dilemma

[Meandyou6]

Hello
i have a problem and I would like to know what other people think

I have known my friend Michelle since school, we were close but as we got older our lives took us in different directions. I stayed in our village that we grew up in, work full time, got married a few years ago and have two step sons 11 and 13. Michelle stayed single, travelled and settled abroad.

We stayed in touch over the years but I wouldn’t consider her a close friend anymore , we have a catch up but we don’t talk like close friends would. She doesn’t discuss her problems with me for example.

a few months ago she moved back to our country about 100 miles away (in a big city) from our village. The problem is now she’s in the same country she expects me to visit several times a year, she wants me to visit before Christmas and start planning a second visit for early next year. She works but she’s single so she wants to go out to cocktail bars and the theatre on a weekend. It’s nice she’s making an effort but I’m at a totally different stage in life to her. I’m married and we have a large mortgage to pay, we have ss’s every other weekend and I am hands on with them, I can’t keep disappearing for the whole weekend every few months and I wouldn’t want to. She rents a flat that I could stay in but I would need to share her bed, or sleep on the floor or settee. Or I could pay for my own hotel room. We’re 46 and I don’t plan on staying on anyone’s settee.

I feel like I’m letting her own. when she told me she had moved I thought 1 visit a year was enough and I’ll stay in a hotel, but she thinks I’ll be visiting every 2-3 months and telling me how excited she is.

AIBU? what would you do?

A bit awkward - she clearly values your friendship more than you do.

If you don’t want to see her more often, just be honest with her. That doesn’t work for you. Once a year as as often as you’re prepared to give up a weekend to spend with her.

(personally, escaping to a city 2-3 times a year sounds amazing to me)

I’d say, ‘Sorry Michelle, my life is pretty full on and I can’t get away very often. Let’s aim to meet up at x date and then it will be once a year so let’s make the most of the time we have.’

Shes probably just a bit lonely as she’s settling in and will soon have other friends to go out with.

Meet up but take your dc. Let her see you have committments now. Give it time and she will be meeting new people.. Ones who can drop everything when she demands.

You're making this into a problem when it's not. You need to clearly tell her this won't be happening and she can reframe her expectations. Job done.

Could she come to you?

I agree she may be a bit lonely but after years of only a general catch up a few times a year it seems a bit full-on to want my company all the time when I’ve moved on and now have my own family which takes up a lot of my time. I live in a small village so she wants me to go there as she’s in a big city and she’s excited to be living “the city life”.

Why can't she come to you.

It sounds like she's lonely as she's just come back 'home' and probably found that everyone's lives have moved on other than hers in one way or another.

I'd arrange one weekend with her where you'll have more opportunity to spell it out to her how you have different commitments and desires from life now, if she doesn't get it after that one visit then just make (totally valid) excuses why you can't meet up as often and keep putting her off. You may find that she settles back into life here without needing to rely on you so much for company after a while.

This is up to you.

You totally can vanish for one weekend every three months and let your DH to deal with his sons. They aren't small children and maybe could enjoy a weekend with their dad, benefit from seeing a SM has her own life and so on.
You can vanish - if you want to. You don't have to want that, that is your choice.

If you want to consider more frequent visits, you can discuss the sleeping options with your friend. If she won't take it well, you'll know to make no more extra effort. Maybe she doesn't know that the sleeping options she can offer don't work for you. Some couches are really bed for sleeping, some are quite good (we have one with sleeping-standard thick mattress, normal bed length and very generous width for one sleeper, so we wouldn't expect someone would have issues with sleeping there for two nights, but would think about alternatives if someone would say so). Once more, you don't have to want that and you have a right to express you don't think you'll make it that often, but if she appears in your area, you can go for a coffee.

Doesn’t sound very full on at all to me. Just because your married and have kids (step kids or bio kids) doesn’t mean you stop seeing friends and having fun from time to time. They’re 13 and 11, they’re not babies. They’ll become independent soon.

It’s obvious from your posts though that you don’t value the friendship and clearly don’t want to meet up. So just say no. Like a PP stated, you are the one that is making this an issue.

Do you want to just not see her at all, or do you want to negotiate?

I think one night away would be ok personally. If you don't want to do cocktails and clubbing then suggest other things. Then maybe set an expectation that she comes to yours next time, if you don't mind a house guest. Don't let it become the norm that you do all the travelling.

How would you feel about meeting up a couple of weekends a year, or doing the odd day in the city and a matinee? There's potential to make it work as DSSs get older - you all go up for the weekend, your DP takes the boys while you go off and watch a show. But it comes down to whether you want to or not.

I thought 1 visit a year was enough and I’ll stay in a hotel, but she thinks I’ll be visiting every 2-3 months and telling me how excited she is.

Why does she think that?
Even if you didn't have a busy family life, why is she expecting you to be the one doing all the travelling?

Have you told her that you won;t have time to visit as frequently as she is suggesting?

I moved away and many of my closest friends live far away. I generally see them once a year, twice if I'm lucky. Expecting to see someone every couple of months is too much in my opinion. It's different when you're in your teens and 20s but as you approach 50 it's just not so appealing! I'm 48, I'd rather be at home than going away every 2 months to go to bars with someone I'm not very close to. I really love travelling to see my close friends but everyone's so busy now that it's generally one a year. Just be honest, tell her your life is busy but you'll enjoy seeing her when you do.

Personally I'd see her and then invite her to yours next time. She might be excited about the big city but you have different interests. If she can't be bothered to come to you, don't feel pressured to keep going to hers.