To say no

[Blendiful]

I have a week off this week which I have taken to unwind and have a break.
I work in a stressful job with a lot of responsibility for people, where even when off usually it is on my mind.

I am due to start a new place next week so I have a rare week whereby my previous work is not on my mind and my new work hasn't yet started.

A week or day 'off' for me always seems to mean to everyone else, time to give me a list of jobs I can do that no body else can be arsed or wants to!

DP has had a week the other week where he has barely any work to do, but this week is mega busy for him. He's self employed so it's a case of busy sometimes and other times less so. His time was spent doing nothing, watching tv, maybe a bit of work, taking a nap etc. nothing for me, nothing for the house aside from the usual day to day stuff we both do (I already do more of).

So I've said no to the list of jobs. He's acting like IABU, I have the time, but then so did he a few weeks ago and didn't. Why should it always fall to me, why can't I just have some time off to do nothing or whatever I want like everyone else?

YANBU! The only concession I might make is looking through the list and seeing if any were a priority for me or might make life easier next week, or if something could be easily slotted in alongside something else I was doing. But it should be 100% up to you!

YANBU. No is a complete sentence etc. Enjoy your time off.

What are the jobs, though?

Is this new job going to mean you have less time to get things done for a while?

Look at the list, see if there are any jobs that advantage you, do them and fuck the rest off.

YANBU. This is your week off and you clearly sound like you deserve it. Enjoy it!

What are these jobs and who gave them to you?

YANBU! My other half always gives me loads to do when I’m off and asks me to do lots of stuff, and sometimes I just have to say no for my own mental well-being!

Yes my husband's the same, I'm a stay at home mum and he thinks I'm lazy so gives me jobs to do! I ignore them, and just do what I can.

Thinking your lazy is shit

but when I was a sahm, especially school aged children, I completely accepted that my dh put at work 5 days a week would ask me to do stuff that needed doing for the family / house!

You deserve your week off. We all need a break at times. Your DH should respect that.

YANBU, but if he's got previous for doing this, then why didn't you present him with a 'jobs to do' list for his quiet week ? Or didn't he tell you about it until afterwards ?

I tried to present with a list of jobs but when he was saying about how he 'had no work to do' I have suggested that I can give him and idea of things that need doing, which is met with 'nope'. So I don't bother.

I know we both work hard and think we both deserve some time off. I struggle to sit still so don't mind at all doing things, but I hate that it's an assumption that as I'm off, that's cue for me to have no reason not to do anything anyone demands.

We both work full time and earn similar money (possibly me more) and the split of household chores is already more weighted towards me (though he'd never admit that either!) he underestimates how long things take to do as he doesn't do them. The washing for example I have 5 peoples washing to wash, dry and put away (though I make the kids put their own away mostly now) but they play sports and have uniform and day clothes and the eldest work and day clothes, so it's ALOT I am not exaggerating in saying that I probably do 2-3 loads a day sometimes!

I would have happily listened to what jobs IF I'd be asked rather than told this would be my list.

The jobs some are mutual (car related) and I already had these on my list, however they are not new and are things that have needed doing for a few weeks including when he had nothing to do, and things I already sorted the last time they were required, so technically his turn this time.

The other jobs were something child related (not my child), and again, not new as he would have known these needed sorting when he was off too (birthday related, so not exactly a surprise its the same day as every year!)

So he didn't do the jobs when he had time off but now thinks you should do them?

Fuck that

Also stop doing his washing and older kids washing.

Just tell him you are going to do exactly what he did on his time off - absolutely NOTHING. Ask him why that is not fair?!

Correct, he didn't do them when he was off, just spent the time relaxing.

More than likely because he knew I was off so thought I could do it then.

Just fed up of being the person who picks up the stuff no one else can be arsed with. Like these things are 'my job' they aren't! I could understand more if I stayed at home and the kids were now more grown up and I would naturally have taken on more of the things. But I don't, i have to fit it all round my full time job too.

So stop doing it.

So you meet him with “nope” as well. Especially re those jobs that relate to his child (who is not yours).

He needs to realise your “nope”’is as much a final answer as his.

Pretty much what I have said. But that's a huge problem and apparently I am being unreasonable and having a tantrum because of saying no I'm not doing everyone's jobs.

Just twists everything, he only had a few hours off apparently (not true, there were days he 'went back to bed') not long after I got up and that was it for the day. He works for himself so it's very different, he will pick up the odd job or queries but then not do much for the rest of the day.

I work for someone so my time off and time in work is set. I don't get to pick and choose. I dot question whether he works hard (though he seems to me)!

Look at him confused and say - but I'm on holiday? Did you do any of these when you were off...?

Or play it - "yes, need to do a few bits even though I'm off - what did you do on your week off and I will do similar?"

The household and admin splits can sometimes be very uneven - drives lots of us mad!

E exactly what I did and was told IABU

Which is why I came here for some clarity from others than I am in fact not insane.

nah he is a cheeky sod. Enjoy your holiday OP.

How could he possibly claim you were unreasonable?

If you both work but he sometimes has no/little work to do I don't understand why he wouldn't use some of that time to catch up on stuff.

Do the washing to save you the trouble for example.

YANBU. Just stick with 'nope, I'm having a break.'

Ask him why he thinks he owns your time but you have no say in what he does in his.

Don't justify, defend or explain yourself, or argue with him. Just keep saying no. Don't make the mistake of thinking he'd be reasonable about it if you could just make him understand your point of view; he understands perfectly. He just doesn't want to do this shit work so he thinks he can manipulate you into doing it by telling you that you are unreasonable.